INTERMISSION: DRACULA CHA-CHA-CHA

Click Here For The MP3 file of Dracula Cha Cha Cha

and if you like that album cover, there's plenty more where that came from at LP Cover Lover.

What movie theater worth its salted popcorn doesn't play music in the auditoriums in between shows? Well, we're no different around here although, as might be expected, the choice in tunes is not quite the same as you'll hear over at your local metroplex. Take this little diddy, for instance, courtesy of The Dracula Library. Dracula Cha Cha Cha was originally recorded by the man affectionately known as the Prince of the Night Clubs, Italian composer and songwriter Bruno Martino. Here's the original Italian lyrics followed by the English translation as suggested by Google.

vampiro dal nero mantello [vampire from black cloak]
di notte tu succhi sul collo [at night you juice on the neck]
le donne di giovane età. [women of young age.]

Dracula Dracula Dra (cha cha cha)

coi bianchi affilati canini [white with sharp canine]
tu fai spaventare i bambini [you do frighten children]
le mamme le nonne ei papà. [the mothers and grandmothers dad.]

Ah! Ah! non far più lo spiritoso [not to make the most witty]
qualcuno può arrabbiarsi e darti uno schiaffo. [someone may get angry and give you slap.]

Ah! Ah! il tuo morso velenoso contagioso [your poisonous bite contagious]
potrebbe far venire un'infezione. [could be an infection.]

Dracula Dracula Dra (cha cha cha)

sei forte sei nero sei bello [six strong six black are beautiful]
perchè non ti succhi un bel pollo [why not you juice a nice chicken]
e lasci le donne campare. [and let women to live.]

Okay, so Google's word for word literal translation, while enjoyably descriptive ("Why not you juice a nice chicken?" Yuck.), leaves a bit to be desired in the readability department. Readers of sacred texts are more than familiar with this dilemma. Take our Christian Bible for example. The original manuscripts were written in two languages no longer spoken anywhere; Classical (Archaic) Hebrew and Koine (Hellenistic) Greek. From there it was translated into Classical Latin, Armenian, and a few others. We didn't start getting English translations until the Venerable Bede began working on one in the late 600s. Today there are literally (no pun intended) dozens of English translations to choose from.

Which raises the obvious question: which available translation is the best? The folks over at Catholic Answers have a short Bible Translations Guide which covers the different methods of translating the ancient texts into a new language and suggestions on how to pick the one best suited to your use. They really like the Revised Standard Version: Catholic Edition, which appears to be the translation of choice for Apologists. The USCCB uses the never published third revision of the New American Bible for readings in mass. This translation doesn't appear to get much respect in scholarly circles, but the USCCB owns the copyright, so I don't think it's going anywhere anytime soon. Here at the B-Movie Catechism we use whichever one is appropriate for the topic, but prefer the 1966 Jerusalem Bible for casual reading. Yeah, it has its gaffes like any other translation, but J. R. R. Tolkein was one of the editors and it reads like a dream. What's the worst translation? Well, that's an ongoing argument, but everyone except the Jehovah's Witnesses tends to look poorly on the New World Translation, the only version of the Bible translated by the Jehovah's Witnesses. And since we are on the Internet, it's hard not to mention... The LOLCat Bible.

(Speaking of bad translations. I couldn't help but notice that the above album cover, courtesy of LP Cover Lover, lists the artists covering Dracula Cha Cha Cha incorrectly as Los Dandies. The group's real name is Los Dandys. ¡Ay, caramba!)

And what does the Catechism have to say on the subject? "The Church "forcefully and specifically exhorts all the Christian faithful... to learn the surpassing knowledge of Jesus Christ, by frequent reading of the divine Scriptures. Ignorance of the Scriptures is ignorance of Christ." As for a specific translation, it makes no specific recommendation. Perhaps, in the end, the best translation of the Bible is the one you'll actually pick up and read.

SHORT FEATURE: STOP THE MADNESS

Yeah, we've had a few laughs over the past few weeks at the expense of goofy educational films from the early 20th century. Yet how canst we say to  our older brothers, Brothers, let us pull out the mote that is in thine eye, when we ourselves beholdest not the beam that is in our own eye? Which is a nice King James way of saying that while those guys way back then were kind of nutty, in the latter half of the century, we were out of our freakin' minds.

As proof I offer up Rockin' Nancy Reagan with some of her good friends including New Edition, Arnold Schwarzenegger, LaToya Jackson, Whitney Houston, David Hasselhoff, and Boogaloo Shrimp, (Where the heck was Mr. T?) all coming together to spread the good news about the First Lady's much ridiculed, yet oddly successful, Just Say No campaign. After watching this craziness, with its unlikely assemblage of future drug addicts, future centerfolds, and future Californian governors, it should be possible to go back and view some of those older instructional films with a new found respect for their dignity and restraint.

The message, at least, was valid. The Catechism tells us that "the use of drugs inflicts very grave damage on human health and life. Their use, except on strictly therapeutic grounds, is a grave offense. Clandestine production of and trafficking in drugs are scandalous practices. They constitute direct co-operation in evil, since they encourage people to practices gravely contrary to the moral law." Don't do drugs, kids, no matter how much PSAs like this one make you want to.

OUTTAKES #015

Ba dum dum! That's the joke folks! Oh well, anybody coming to this blog looking for subtle humor must not have been here before. May 15th is the feast day for St. Isidore (who looks strikingly like John Saxon in this portrait) so be sure to say a prayer for farmers, day laborers, Madrid, and the United States National Rural Life Conference.

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Welcome to the Weekly Newsreel version 3.0. Third time's the charm we've heard it said, so perhaps this format will last longer than the previous two incarnations. This time around we plan to bring you what all good newsreels should, which is... newsreels. (Startling, I know.) So, in honor of this week's (or two weeks or however long it takes my slow butt to write the next review) main feature, the newsreel digs into the archives to explore the world of sex and madness. Now off to press.

DATELINE: DALLAS 1978 - It's sex! Pistols, that is. The cow patties hit the fan when the British punkers played a gig at the Longhorn Ballroom and many of the local folk decided their anarchy act was nothing but BS. Despite the overall goofy tone of this news report, this particular stop on the Pistol's ill-fated U.S. tour is mostly remembered for the incident in which Sid Vicious, suffering from heroin withdrawal, spit blood on a female audience member who then proceeded to leap on stage and punch Sid in the face. Ah well, that's rock and roll. But was it really anarchy? For Sid, who would spiral out of control and die of an overdose, G. K. Chesterton would answer yes. "Anarchy is that condition of mind or methods in which you cannot stop yourself." he wrote. "It is the loss of self-control which can return to the normal. It is not anarchy because men are permitted to begin uproar, extravagance, experiment, peril. It is anarchy when people cannot end these things." As for Johnny Rotten and the rest, who reunited, clean and sober, in 1996 for some gigs? Bollocks, says G. K., "The more sentimental sort of Tory uses the word anarchy as a mere term of abuse for rebellion."

DATELINE: NEW YORK 1933 - It's madness! Or at least that's the way it appeared when Vaudevillian Ben Dova (Joseph Spah) performed his famous lamp post routine on the top of the 56 storey tall Chanin Building. Without a net. Unbelievably, four years after this performance was filmed, the indestructible Dova found himself aboard a rapidly burning Hindenburg with no option but to leap 15 feet to safety on the ground below. Without a net. Tired of defying death, Bova finally died of old age in 1986. Pretty miraculous, huh? The 1917 Catholic Encyclopedia tells us that "a miracle, like any natural event, is known either from personal observation or from the testimony of others. In the miracle we have the fact itself as an external occurrence and its miraculous character. The miraculous character of the fact consists in this: that its nature and the surrounding circumstances are of such a kind that we are forced to admit natural forces alone could not have produced it, and the only rational explanation is to be had in the interference of Divine agency. The perception of its miraculous character is a rational act of the mind, and is simply the application of the principle of causality with the methods of induction." That's a nice definition, but perhaps overly technical. Maybe this would be a great time to invite you to read this recent post by a good friend of mine. Miracle? You decide for yourself.

DATELINE: NEW YORK 1948 - It's sex madness! In this clip Dr. Marynia Farnham briefly explains part of her strong opposition to women entering the work force. (Excepting herself, I suppose.) The good doctor was the co-author of the 1947 book Modern Woman: The Lost Sex, excerpts of which can be found here. Read at your own risk, ladies. For our part here at the newsreel, we'll leave the response to our own Pope Benedict XVI (writing in 2004 as Cardinal Ratzinger) from his LETTER TO THE BISHOPS OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH ON THE COLLABORATION OF MEN AND WOMEN IN THE CHURCH AND IN THE WORLD. (Again with the long titles.) "[Children] learn to love inasmuch as they are unconditionally loved, they learn respect for others inasmuch as they are respected, they learn to know the face of God inasmuch as they receive a first revelation of it from a father and a mother full of attention in their regard. Whenever these fundamental experiences are lacking, society as a whole suffers violence and becomes in turn the progenitor of more violence. It means also that women should be present in the world of work and in the organization of society, and that women should have access to positions of responsibility which allow them to inspire the policies of nations and to promote innovative solutions to economic and social problems." Any of you brave sexist pigs out there are of course welcome to point out that the Cardinal's words do not bear the stamp of infallibility, however we here at the newsreel would prefer not to sleep on the couch tonight and will not do so ourselves.

And on that note we end the first installment of the reborn newsreel. As is our custom here, we sign off with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

COMING ATTRACTIONS: SEX MADNESS

Yes, you're at the right blog. No, there's been no sudden startling changes in my personal beliefs. Yes, I'm absolutely bringing you... SEXXXXXX MADNESSSS!

Actually, this little gem is from the same folks who gave you Reefer Madness. There's no real trailer available, but I threw together the introduction and one of the more, um... dramatic scenes to give you an idea of what the movie has in store. Enjoy.

CARNIVAL OF SOULS

 

THE TAGLINE:

"A new wave picture you cannot forget! A sensation about a new dimension!"

THE PLOT:

Emerging from a river following a terrible car accident which claimed the lives of all of her friends, Mary Henry decides to hurriedly leave town and accept a job as a church organist in Salt Lake City. Just short of her destination, Mary first begins to see visions of a ghoulish man leering at her through the car window, and then spots an abandoned pavilion off in the distance to which she feels oddly drawn. Continuing on to her new home, Mary does her best to settle into her new life, but can't escape the cold feelings of isolation and detachment which have eaten away at her since the accident. Her efforts to return to normalcy aren't made any easier due to the lecherous advances of her neighbor John and the continued visions of The Man and his fellow zombie-like companions from the old carnival. The situation comes to a head when Mary begins having episodes in which she can no longer be seen or heard by the residents of the city. Feeling the answers can only be found in the remains of the old carnival, Mary drives out to the place by herself. There, she witnesses a bizarre dance of the dead to which she is at first drawn to participate in, but then flees from as the ghouls try to chase her down. Meanwhile, back at Mary's old home town, a startling discovery is made.

THE POINT:

I do spoilers here, it's no big deal. I mean, really, how many people are gonna get upset when the stunning conclusion to Santa Claus Conquers The Martians is revealed before they watch it? This movie is different though. Not because the review will spoil the ending; the "shock" at the end of Carnival of Souls has been so overdone in film that it has very little impact these days. And not because it will spoil any sudden turns somewhere else in the story; if anything, the narrative is almost too straightforward. And certainly not because it will spoil any big jaw dropping effects-laden money shots; this movie has none. (The effects budget consisted of the cost of a mirror, some clown white makeup, and $38 to the city of Lecompton, KS for repairs to a bridge.) No, the reason to avoid reading this review is due to the expectations it might raise. You see, like so many reviewers before me, I'm going to write a veritable love poem to this film, one so gushing that it will leave Elizabeth Barrett Browning spinning in her grave. And what's going to happen is that you'll rush out and pick up the pristine 2-disc Criterion DVD set, hurriedly pop it in the player expecting the Citizen Kane of horror movies, and 84 minutes later you'll be staring at the words 'The End' and thinking to yourself, "Oh, c'mon! That's it?"

And that's going to happen because that's not how you're supposed to see Carnival of Souls for the first time. Here's what you need to do. Go to Wal-Mart or Dollar General and grab a cheap blurry pressing of the movie for a few bucks. Better yet, splurge on one of those Mill Creek 50 movies for 20 bucks box sets; their print really stinks. Then go home and lay it down somewhere and forget about it. A month or two from now when this post has completely passed from your memory, when it's late and you're too tired to do anything but watch TV but there's absolutely nothing on, remember that you bought Carnival of Souls and throw it on. And that's when it's going to get you, when you're least expecting it. I know it sounds nuts, but this is just one of those movies you shouldn't seek out. Just let it find you on its own. So, now you've been warned. If you've never seen Carnival of Souls, but think you might, then... get lost.

Still here? Fine. Then let's go ahead and let the love flow like a mountain stream. Ah, Carnival of Souls, how DO I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and breadth and height your meager $30,000 budget managed to reach. Yes, thanks to the lack of funds and the 2 week shooting schedule, there's still more than enough gaffs, bad sound looping, and rushed one-takes in Carnival of Souls to equal any other two B-Movies combined. But thanks to the two decades of experience filming educational and industrial shorts, director Herk Harvey and his six man crew managed to rise above the constraints of the production to create more than a few moments of quiet, eerie beauty.This is especially true in those scenes where the film needs it most, those which accentuate Mary's isolation from the rest of humanity. There's the battered Mary emerging from the river onto a dagger shaped sandbar alone and still so far from the shore. There's Mary transfixed before her organ playing an unearthly melody, her only audience the stained glass saints and martyrs in the windows above her. There's Mary walking through the deserted Saltair pavilion with the Salt Lake City skyline, and therefore the nearest living souls, far away on the horizon. (Incredibly, Saltair was a real abandoned carnival originally built by the Mormons in 1893. Herk was creep out when he saw it from a distance while driving along the highway, a scene he recreates for Mary early in the movie.) So despite the fact that a good chunk of the film visually resembles one of Herk's classroom films, there are still a number of scenes in Carnival of Souls which will embed themselves into your psyche for a long time to come.

I also love thee, Carnival of Souls, with a passion put to use In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith that monsters existed. Which is to say, in this context, that this movie somehow creeps me out in much the same way old B-movies did when I was a little kid. The difference being that, while movies like The Brain That Wouldn't Die and Attack Of The Crab Monsters now appear quaint to my adult sensibilities, Carnival Of Souls works on adults. (In truth, I didn't even see it until I was pushing 30.) Along with the aforementioned scenes, a good deal of the credit for this has to go to the music. Consisting almost entirely of organ pieces, the film's soundtrack relentlessly maintains a thick atmosphere of dreamlike other-worldliness in which you find yourself caught up in. Lacking the jump scares or nail-biting tension of the typical horror movie, Carnival of Souls succeeds almost entirely by sucking you into the realness of its unreality. (Sorry for all the tin-ear lyricism going on in this review, but I did warn you it would be a love poem.)

And, Carnival of Souls, if God choose, I shall but love thee better after I discover the main character's been dead (or nearly so) for the whole movie. Of course, as noted earlier, this twist ending is hardly original. The device goes all the way back to Ambrose Bierce's 1891 story, An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge, and has been recycled every other year since, sometimes quite effectively (Jacob's Ladder, The Others) and sometimes... er, not so much (Soultaker). The reason the premise works so well in Carnival of Souls, though, is the ambiguity of the situation. Like any good dream, the ending is open to interpretation. One explanation, similar to that found in The Others, has Mary as an unwitting ghost whom the spirits of Saltair have come to take home. Another possibility is that the whole movie, ala Bierce, is simply what occurs in Mary's mind in the seconds before she dies. Then there's the Jacob's Ladder scenario in which the events of the movie represent some form of Purgatorial state through which Mary must pass before moving on into the afterlife. It's a feasible conclusion considering the interchange with the physician to whom Mary has decided to confide in about the apparition of The Man. "I'm not a psychiatrist, and perhaps I'm being clumsy at all this" the doctor says, "but I am suggesting that perhaps this figure represents a guilt feeling." (I also found one reviewer who claimed the whole movie was some sort of feminist manifesto on the suppression of women in the 1950s. I guess anything's possible, but it's hard to imagine the guy who directed films like Why Study Home Economics, Manners In School, and Pork: The Meal With A Squeal was really that much into radical feminism.)

From a Catholic viewpoint, of course, the Purgatory angle is the most interesting, mainly because filmmakers so rarely get the concept right. It's not all their fault. Purgatory has become one of those teachings lots of people, even some Catholics, just don't understand anymore. The most common misconception appears to be the belief that Purgatory represents some kind of second chance for the condemned soul. it's a nice idea, but one that is expressly denied in the Catechism. "Death puts an end to human life as the time open to either accepting or rejecting the divine grace manifested in Christ... Each man receives his eternal retribution in his immortal soul at the very moment of his death." Maybe it's just me, but I don't see a lot of breathing room for second chances in that statement. The basic teaching about Purgatory is simply that "all who die in God's grace and friendship, but still imperfectly purified, are indeed assured of their eternal salvation; but after death they undergo purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven. The Church gives the name Purgatory to this final purification of the elect, which is entirely different from the punishment of the damned." Almost all Christian sects accept this final purification of the soul as necessary, it's just that the typical Protestant understands the process to be instantaneous while the Catholic imagination (especially post-Dante) has always envisioned it as an experienced state-of-being. Oddly enough, given that we're talking about an experience not limited by the human body's fixed perception of Space/Time, I suppose it's theoretically possible that both sides could ultimately be right. (I'll let somebody smarter than me work out the quantum mechanics.) Whichever the case though, it has to be said, the Catholic version sure does make for better theater.

So, with all that in mind, if we accept the theory that the events in Carnival of Souls somehow represent Purgatory for the character of Mary, we have to reluctantly admit that Herk and his crew got things a little bit wrong as this Purgatory appears to be the theologically incorrect kind. (Which doesn't make me love you less, Carnival of Souls. I love thee freely, as men strive for right yet continuously screw up anyway.) What we have here basically is Mary being offered, after death, a second chance to correct the chief error of her life; her cold and emotionally detached attitude towards to the world and every person she has ever encountered in it. At every step, Mary is reminded of her spiritual aridity, starting with the man who actually built the organ she will play. "It takes more than intellect to make a musician" he tells her, "Put your soul into it." The pastor for whom she works chastises her for skipping out on her welcome reception. "We'll let it go at that for the time being. But, my dear, you cannot live in isolation... from the human race, you know." Even her house-mate John continuously derides Mary for her coldness. (Okay, it's true that John's a creepy perv who starts drinking the minute he wakes up and is just trying to get Mary in bed, but still, he recognizes her problem.) Sadly, Mary rejects every effort to ignite her feelings for her fellow man and she is ultimately claimed by the lost souls of Saltair as one of their own. Rejecting her second chance, Mary is, as the final shot reveals, truly dead.

Even if the Purgatory theology is a bit flawed in Carnival of Souls, the sin for which Mary suffers is actually quite real. The Catechism reminds us. that "there is a certain resemblance between the unity of the divine persons and the fraternity that men are to establish among themselves in truth and love. Love of neighbor is inseparable from love for God. The human person needs to live in society. Society is not for him an extraneous addition but a requirement of his nature. Through the exchange with others, mutual service and dialogue with his brethren, man develops his potential; he thus responds to his vocation." And what exactly is that vocation? "The vocation of humanity is to show forth the image of God and to be transformed into the image of the Father's only Son." Mary tried to live her life as a solo act and in so doing denied her soul it's ultimate goal. Heavy stuff for a flick thrown together by a bunch of guys on their two week vacation. But that's just one of the reason's I love this movie, love it with the breath, smiles, tears, of all my life! And you just might too, but only if you didn't read this review first.

THE STINGER

The poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning once spent a few years locked away from humanity following the death of her brother by drowning. Unlike Mary, however, Elizabeth found her way back into society, eventually marrying and writing her most popular works, including the much quoted Number 43 from Sonnets from the Portuguese which I have so cruelly abused in this review. Just saying sorry now, Elizabeth, so I don't have to pay for it later.

OUTTAKES #014