CUTAWAYS

You know, it’s gotta be tough these days for any old-school Devil worshipers still out there. I’m not talking about them there new fangled Satanists who are really just hedonistic egoists with no real belief in a supernatural God or Devil. I mean the original guys, the ones who pledged allegiance to an actual entity and might actually want to perform the occasional virgin sacrifice to their dark master. Imagine what it must be like for them…

Almost enough to make you feel sorry for them, isn’t it? Almost. After all, what do the heathens expect after a couple hundred years of creeping secularism? And it’s getting worse. Recently released results from a study of middle schoolers performed by the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston found that “by age 12, 12 percent of students had already engaged in vaginal sex, 7.9 percent in oral sex, 6.5 percent in anal sex and 4 percent in all three types of intercourse.” Christine Markham, Ph.D., assistant professor of behavioral science, says “These findings are alarming because youth who start having sex before age 14 are much more likely to have multiple lifetime sexual partners, use alcohol or drugs before sex and have unprotected sex, all of which puts them at greater risk for getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or becoming pregnant.” Wow, either these scientists are uptight Puritans, or youngsters having sex might actually be a bad idea. Either way, though, what’s there to do about it? I mean, kids are going to have sex no matter what, right?

Well, not exactly. One study by the Center for the Advancement of Health suggests that sex education can help cut down on early sexual behavior, at least before the age of 15. Which is great except for the fact that such programs, if successful, would seem to have the unintended consequence of increasing the number of virgins available for Satanic rituals. Fortunately, there is a solution to both problems. In what can only be called a shocking discovery, a 2003 study by the NICHD (a sub-branch of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) found that “religion reduces the likelihood of adolescents engaging in early sex by shaping their attitudes and beliefs about sexual activity.” Who would have ever thought that belief systems which strive for holiness might actually decrease risky sexual behavior among children? But science says its true, thank God! And best of all, since most religions actively combat all forms of Satanism (modern egoism, ancient wacko cults, whatever) on both spiritual and philosophical grounds, we’ve got that problem covered as well.

INTERMISSION:

As Catholic Media Review made note of, the Year of the Priest kicks in on June 19 and to help celebrate it the National Catholic Register has offered up some suggestions for movies to watch which contain positive portrayals of our collared clerics. Here’s the top ten good priest movies according to NCR:

1. The Scarlet and the Black (1983)
2. The Bells of St. Mary’s (1945)
3. The Mission (1986), mature audiences
4. Going My Way (1944)
5. The Keys of the Kingdom (1944)
6. On the Waterfront (1954)
7. I Confess (1953)
8. Boys Town (1938)
9. Molokai: The Story of Father Damien (1999), mature audiences
10. The Exorcist (1973) mature audiences

Now that’s a pretty strong list and it contains some all time classics, priests or no priests. But, you know, as good as that list is, we think it could stand to have a few more movies added to it. The American Catholic has already made his suggestions, but here at The B-Movie Catechism, we were thinking more specifically that it could use some of OUR KIND of movies added to it. This is actually harder than you might think. Bad or fallen priests are a dime a dozen in B-Movies and the few good ones you run across usually only get a scene or two, like say Father McFerrin in Teenage Exorcist. But we’ve come up with a handful of low budget celluloid clergymen we think make the grade.

1. FATHER MCGRUDER from BRAINDEAD aka DEAD-ALIVE (1992): Okay, so like in Teenage Exorcist, the good Father McGruder really only has a bit part in this early Peter Jackson gore-comedy, and he does become something of a cad once he joins the legion of the undead. But watch the film (if you have a strong stomach) and you’ll agree McGruder had to be on the list if for nothing else than the scene where he transforms from pastor to pugilist, raining a storm of priest-fu on the zombie hordes as he yells out his battle cry, “I kick ass for The Lord!” (Come on, you have to know at least one priest who would want that on a T-shirt for his birthday.)

2. FATHER SANDOR from DRACULA, PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1966): There’s no way you can convince me that Father Dwight Longenecker didn’t see this film at a young impressionable age. I can just picture little Dwight looking up at the big screen as the English sounding take-no-prisoners priest barrels through villages and mountainsides with a rifle strapped to his back and thinking to himself, “You know, I think I could that for the rest of my life.” Father Sandor is the alpha male when it comes to priests in movies. He’s the only one I can think of who ever took out Dracula with a gun?

3. REV. MIKE HILL from THE NORTH AVENUE IRREGULARS (1979): Okay, this one’s a cheat as the reverend is actually Presbyterian, but what the heck, he spends most of the movie in a collar. Loosely based on a true story, this comedy tells the story of how the new pastor in town assembles a group of ladies from his church to take on the local mob and their numbers racket. It’s old school Disney goofiness from back in the day when they could actually make a live action movie without loading it with pre-manufactured pop idols designed to suck every dime out of the pockets of 13 year olds. Plus you get to roll your eyes knowingly as the preacher struggles to reinvigorate his congregation with some decidedly “Spirit of Vatican II” style techniques.

4. FATHER MICHAEL from THE UNHOLY (1988): The American Catholic already mentioned Chariots of Fire’s Ben Cross’ turn as a priest in The Assisi Underground (1985), but Ben returned to put on the cassock again in this lesser known (for good reasons) late 80s horror outing. After miraculously surviving a fall from a skyscraper, Father Michael is sent to New Orleans to battle a demon who targets priests for temptation and murder. The flick is mediocre and the tempting more often than not involves disrobed women (so stay away if that’s a problem for your chastity), but it’s still nice to watch a film where, for once, the priest actually makes it to the finale with his vows intact and is portrayed as a hero for doing so.

Anyway, that should give you a good start if you’re in the mood for something cheesy but would still like to see some charitable portrayals of priests. If you think of some we missed, be sure to let us know. Happy viewing.

CUTAWAYS

Alright, these twelve to fourteen hour workdays I’ve been pounding out for the past three months are starting to get to me. Besides the irregular blogging (sounds like a medicinal side effect doesn’t it), I’m aching, cantankerous, and just all around miserable. Lord help me, I think I’m turning into… Joe Don Baker!

Ah well, best not to complain too much about a job these days I suppose. And besides, if Pope John Paul II was right, there’s more than just a paycheck to be gained from it all. In his 1981 encyclical Laborem Exercens: On Human Work, he wrote that “work is a good thing for man - a good thing for his humanity - because through work man not only transforms nature, adapting it to his own needs, but he also achieves fulfillment as a human being and indeed, in a sense, becomes "more a human being." Work can accomplish this for us because, as the Catechism points out, “work honors the Creator's gifts and the talents received from him. It can also be redemptive. By enduring the hardship of work in union with Jesus, the carpenter of Nazareth and the one crucified on Calvary, man collaborates in a certain fashion with the Son of God in his redemptive work. He shows himself to be a disciple of Christ by carrying the cross, daily, in the work he is called to accomplish.”

I like that. Now the next time my job is going to cause me to get home a little late, I can just tell my wife I’m sorry, I know the boy is driving her crazy and she needs a break, but I have to do my part to save the world. That should work, right?

CUTAWAYS

As I was watching this clip from 1987’s The Barbarians, the first thing that came to mind was, “Wow, Princess Amidala really let herself go!”

But the second thing I thought of was how much there seems to be a tangible feeling in the Catholic blogosphere right now that if you’re in any way trying to follow the teachings of the Church, then the culture at large is out to get you like some angry, freakish mob. Or maybe I’m just projecting my own paranoia. Or both.

Whatever the case may be, it’s nice to know the Bible has us covered. In Ephesians it describes a whole set of spiritual armor we can don whenever we feel under attack. “Therefore take the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the equipment of the gospel of peace; besides all these, taking the shield of faith, with which you can quench all the flaming darts of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.” Pretty cool, huh? (And just in case you’re a literalist, don’t worry, we’ve got you covered there also.)

But anyone who’s ever browsed around the stalls at their local Renn Fest knows armor can be pretty heavy. You need a tad bit of strength just to pick it up and put it on. So what can we do to buff up and get a little spiritual muscle so we’re prepared for those time when it seems like the secular throng is trying to slip the noose over our necks? Well, Paul states the obvious in Ephesians, by reminding us to “pray at all times”. But Tara Little, writing in the Arkansas Catholic, suggests something that may not come readily to mind when you’re thinking about bulking up; fasting. Ms. Little likens fasting to “a matter of stretching ‘the spiritual muscle’ the same way one exercises his or her body.” In the article, Msgr. James Mancini concurs, noting that by fasting we recognize "that the Spirit and the flesh are in battle with each other. [In fasting] we try to limit or modify the demands of our appetites. The appetites are not wrong, God gave them to us for a purpose, but they definitely need discipline… Once we do start denying the flesh, we're able to sense Christ's influence much more [because] it's in our spirit that we're able to relate to him… God only needs the heart. He doesn't need all this time, and all this big effort. But we need to do something physical that will engage our heart to make that choice."

So, pray, pray at all times. But if you’re feeling a little extra flabby in the spiritual department, then try adding a little fasting to your religious workout. It can work wonders.

Braying like a jackass, on the other hand, is completely optional.