Monday, December 31, 2012

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 7: E.T.A.

Ah, New Years Eve. I never really was much one for partying on this particular day. Maybe it’s because by the time I hit drinking age I was already working at a movie theater and typically found myself ringing in the new year by locking up concession stands and covering up reel platters for the night. Or maybe I’ve just always been boring. Who knows? As for this year, well, thanks to the drowsiness inducing meds for my son’s Aspergers and my wife’s heart condition, there’s a 50/50 chance by the time midnight rolls around I’ll be watching the ball drop with as much human company as this poor schlub…

Oh well, despite all of the technical glitches, at least Marvin finally got his cup of kindness in the end. You know, like in the lyrics to that ubiquitous theme of New Years Eve, Auld Lang Syne.

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And so on and so forth. I’m sure you know how it goes, more or less. Actually, being first written down in old Scottish by Robert Burns in 1788, “For Auld Lang Syne” has had a number of interpretations into modern dialect. However, the one considered to be closest in sentiment to the original meaning is “for the sake of old times.” So it would seem that the song is asking us to raise our cups in honor of those who aren’t with us and remember them with kindness. Which seems a bit of a melancholy note to usher in a new year doesn’t it?

But there’s something about that “yet” which hangs at the end of some of the verses that, for me at least, changes the focus a little. With that “yet” in there, Auld Lang Syne actually takes on a tinge of hope. We may have experienced some loss over the past year, but we’ll have our cup of kindness yet. Yet! It’s as Pope Benedict XVI proclaimed a few days ago during the Vigil Mass on Christmas Eve, “Christ’s birth is a flowering of new life for all humanity. May every land become a good earth which receives and brings forth kindness and truth, justice and peace. Happy Christmas to all of you!”

I wish each and every one of you a Happy and Blessed New Year and may you all find your cup of kindness in the months to come.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 6: THE MOST AWFUL FAMILY IN BRITAIN

Today on this 6th day of Christmas we celebrate the feast of the Holy Family, a group of people Pope John Paul II once described as an “example for all Christian and human families… [one which] radiates genuine love and charity.” And they were pretty much perfect when you think about it, what with the family including an incarnated God, his mother made sinless by a special grace and privilege, and a stepfather who was a proper saint in his own right. But with such an overwhelming amount of perfection concentrated in one family, one can’t help but wonder about enantiodromia, that old Greek idea expounded upon by Carl Jung which The Collins English dictionary defines as the concept that an abundance of any force can cause an opposite reaction. If there’s any truth to be found in enantiodromia (always questionable with Jung), then just imagine what opposite reaction the abundance of perfection found in the Holy Family might produce. Perhaps it would look something like this…

Okay, so obviously all families aren’t as perfect as Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. Not to worry though, you won’t find us judging anyone around these parts (when your own family tree has a branch way down the trunk that ended in the electric chair you tend not to throw stones at others). But even those of us who struggle with trying to keep our less than perfect families on a Christian path still understand the importance of making the effort. And we understand how that effort affects not just the people in our own home, but in others as well. As the Catechism notes, “The importance of the family for the life and well-being of society entails a particular responsibility for society to support and strengthen marriage and the family. Civil authority should consider it a grave duty to acknowledge the true nature of marriage and the family, to protect and foster them, to safeguard public morality, and promote domestic prosperity.”

It’s with that understanding that the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops “have called for a nationwide effort to advance a movement for Life, Marriage, and Religious Liberty through prayer, penance, and sacrifice. Catholics across the nation are being encouraged to pray for rebuilding a culture favorable to life and marriage and for increased protections of religious liberty… The goal of this call to prayer is twofold: (1) to increase awareness of these challenges and (2) to build spiritual stamina and fortitude among the faithful so that we can be effective and joyful witnesses of faith, hope, and charity and agents of the New Evangelization.” The Bishops are asking (not demanding, but asking) that starting today, the Sunday after Christmas, Catholics around the country consider participating in one or all of the following five activities:

Monthly Eucharistic Holy Hours in cathedrals and parishes
Daily Rosary by families and individuals
Special Prayers of the Faithful at all Masses
Fasting and abstinence from meat on Fridays
A Fortnight for Freedom in June/July 2013

Again, they’re asking, not demanding, so think about it why don’t you.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 5: IT’S A BOB AND CARL CHRISTMAS

With the combination of festivities and reflection that make up Christmastime, it’s often easy to forget there are plenty of folks out there who don’t celebrate the same things we do during this time of year…

According to the latest U.K. Census figures, Jediism is now the most common "alternative" faith and the seventh most common declared faith overall in England and Wales (go ahead and laugh, but remember, nobody took Scientology seriously to begin with either). And here in the States, Jediism is now recognized by The United States Department of Defense as an official religion and cannot be discriminated against. So it’s not out of the question that sometime soon an acquaintance might just ask you to celebrate Life Day with them. But could a Catholic in good conscience participate in such an observance?

Well, to try and answer that, let’s see how things work with something that’s going on right this minute, Kwanzaa, a holiday that’s not much older than Life Day, but is a bit more widely celebrated. Kwanzaa is a week long holiday beginning on December 26 which was created in 1966 by African American activist, Dr. Maulana Karenga. While purportedly intended as an alternative to Christmas for African Americans, the official Kwanzaa web site currently states that Kwanzaa is to be considered a non-religious cultural celebration of African identity rather than an alternative to other religious holidays. In Dr. Karenga’s words, “The holiday, then will of necessity, be engaged as an ancient and living cultural tradition which reflects the best of African thought and practice in its reaffirmation of the dignity of the human person in community and culture, the well-being of family and community, the integrity of the environment and our kinship with it, and the rich resource and meaning of a people's culture.”

That being the case, the apologists over at Catholic Answers suggest that “if Kwanzaa is an authentic cultural holiday and not an alternative to Christmas, it would not be wrong for African-American Catholics to celebrate it, just as it is not wrong for Chinese Catholics to celebrate the Chinese New Year. But if, after study and reflection, a Catholic were to find that Kwanzaa was intended to undermine Christmas, it would be problematic to celebrate a holiday created for that purpose.” For those Catholics who do choose to participate in Kwanzaa, Franciscan Father Jim Goode, president of the National Black Catholic Apostolate for Life, has asked that they do so in a way which "brings us closer to God and closer to each other… [and] which enables us to see in every human face the face of Christ."

So, would Life Day fall into the same category as Kwanzaa, which would potentially allow a Catholic to celebrate it? It sounds like a silly question, I know, since the whole thing most likely started as a joke. In an interview with the New Zealand Herald, Australian Star Wars Appreciation Society president Chris Brennan admits that most of the people who claimed Jedi as a religion on the Census “did so for a laugh or to poke borax at the Government.” So if Jediism had remained in the realm of good clean fun, then there would be no problem with a Catholic donning a red Snuggie, scarfing down some Wookie Ookies and Hoth chocolate, and gathering around the television with some friends to watch a bootleg of the Star Wars Holiday Special. But the problem these days is that, for better or worse, Jediism is now recognized as an official religion. And since that’s the way things are, we have to actually approach the question with some degree (no matter how small) of seriousness.

Now, according to the Wookiepedia, “Life Day most likely was originally intended as a stand-in for the American holiday of Thanksgiving, as The Holiday Special was originally aired on November 17, the Friday before Thanksgiving that year.” Given that Thanksgiving is a secular holiday which Catholics are free to participate in, there would appear to be no problem there. As to its purpose, Life Day “was a celebration of the planet's [Kashyyyk] diverse ecosystem and the many forms of life it encompassed. It also was a time to remember family members who had died, and the young ones who continued to bring new life to a family.” That definitely makes Life Day sound like a cultural celebration along the lines of Kwanzaa rather than a purely religious one, so therefore it should be potentially safe for Catholics to participate in.

Unfortunately, as often happens, a snag has arisen over time. Wookiepedia notes that “the canonical date for the observance of Life Day has, nevertheless, been established in what sources there are as December 25, or the equivalent thereof in the Wookiee calendar. Whether this means that Life Day actually is intended to be understood as a solstice festival akin to Christmas as opposed to a harvest festival akin to Thanksgiving is unknown.” So these days, instead of a fun sci-fi alternative to Turkey day, we’ve got a formally recognized religion with a holiday that may or may not have religious overtones depending on who’s celebrating it occurring as an alternative to Christmas. And for Christians, alas, that’s a problem. So while the Church has made no official pronouncement on Life Day, the safe bet is that in its modern incarnation it’s pretty much off limits for good Catholic boys and girls. I guess, that’s just the way the Wookie Ookie crumbles.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 4: THE WALKING DEAD CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Ah, Christmastime. No matter what circumstances we find ourselves in, we always try to make this time of year as pleasant as humanly possible for our children don’t we? Why, I bet if the zombie apocalypse were to ever actually happen, we’d still be bending over backwards to make the season perfect for the kiddies. (Fair Warning: This short is a Walking Dead parody, so there’s a naughty word and more than a few zombie headshots.)

As a dad, I gotta say, Rick’s plight just hits home with me. The, um, parenting part that is, not the blowing out the brains of zombies bits. Real fathers just really want to do the best for their children. That’s true even when they’re not technically their real father. Just think of the inner turmoil Joseph went through trying to take care of his adopted son Jesus; struggling to find a place on that first Christmas so he wouldn’t have to be born in some alley, keeping him safe during their escape to Egypt, the day to day travails in providing for him during his childhood in Nazareth. And all the while knowing he wasn’t the biological father of the child he was raising.

In fact, Randall Smith, associate professor of theology at the University of St. Thomas, wonders just in what sense Joseph could be considered Jesus’ ‘father’ at all? “The question is not an unimportant one theologically.” The professor writes, “In fact, because Jesus is called ‘the son of David,’ and according to both Matthew and Luke, it is through Joseph that Jesus’ lineage is traced back to David. ‘How can that be?’ My students want to know, when he wasn’t Jesus’ real father. ‘Define a real father,’ I tell them. And from there the conversation usually gets pretty interesting. The first thing to understand about Joseph’s fatherhood is that, unlike every other case where a man who has not had sex with his betrothed finds out she is pregnant, in Joseph’s situation, there is no other ‘biological’ father who stands in a separate relationship between him and his son – no human father who has another sort of connection to Jesus that he, Joseph, does not. There is no ‘other man,’ as it were, unless you count God, that is. But then again, we must always count God, mustn’t we?  Who really gives life? As St. Augustine says in the Confessions (paraphrasing 1 Cor 3:6):  we plant the seed, but God gives the growth. We do our part. But let’s be very clear: the miracle of life does not occur without God. We are merely ‘co-creators’ with Him, and not merely at the moment of conception, but at every moment thereafter as well. Joseph’s story reminds us that human fatherhood is in reality merely a ‘participation’ in the fatherhood of God. We do not create the new life. We are merely stewards – caretakers, as it were – of God’s holy gift of what is, fundamentally his son first and foremost. We are responsible before God for taking care of that precious life, but the child we are given is ultimately meant to serve God’s will, not ours.”

And that being the case, then it only makes sense that by extension our participation in God’s fatherhood expands to include how our society as a whole treats God’s gifts. Author John C. Wright, contemplating on today's Feast of the Holy Innocents, notes that “Hell hates children, and always has, and always will. You can estimate the health of a culture, its unwitting loyalty to Hell or Heaven, by seeing how that culture treats its infants. Does the culture expose unwanted babes to the elements as the pagans did? Or regard childbirth as a blessing, as the Jews did, and do? It behooves us to defy Hell by adoring and cherishing the more precious and most helpless of the lives among us.” I wonder how we’re doing with that as a society this Christmas season. Maybe it’s a little something to keep in mind as we file into mass this weekend and see that statue of the infant Jesus lying in the nativity scene.

Friday, December 28, 2012

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 3: MARCIA, MARCIA, MARCIA

On the third day of Christmas we celebrate the feast day of St John The Evangelist, Saint John the Divine, one third of the Triumvirate along with Peter and James, one of the Boanerges (sons of thunder), traditionally represented in Christian art by the mighty eagle, and remembered most of all as THE BELOVED DISCIPLE… it seems like all day long I’ve been hearing how great John is at this or how wonderful John did that! John, John, John!

Okay, so maybe that’s a bit of an overreaction. After all, Msgr. Charles Pope suggests that the title of “Beloved Disciple” might not actually mean that John was Jesus’ favorite out of the original twelve apostles. “John never uses his name to refer to himself anywhere in his gospel. What is clear is that John knew and experienced that he was loved by God and that was apparently all that mattered to him in terms of his identity. This would also help to explain that this title was not an attestation that the Lord had favorites. Jesus himself does not use this title for John or any of the apostles. This is merely John’s self description of the fact that he was loved by the Lord and he knew that personally.”

But whether that’s true or not, it still seems like God favors certain people from time to time. Just consider the message delivered by the angels on the night Jesus was born, for instance. You know, the one in which they proclaim to the shepherds outside of Bethlehem, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men in whom he is well pleased.” Well, that’s great, but just who are these men God is so pleased with that he bestows upon them tidings of peace? In his recent book ‘Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives’ Pope Benedict XVI believes the answer to that question might lie in the account of Jesus’ baptism. “Luke tells us that as Jesus was praying, the heavens opened and a voice came from heaven, saying: ‘You are my beloved Son; with whom I am well pleased [= I have good pleasure]’ The man ‘with whom he is pleased’ is Jesus. And the reason for this is that Jesus lives completely oriented toward the Father, focused upon him and in communion of will with him. So men “with whom he is pleased” are those that share the attitude of the Son – those who are conformed to Christ.”

And that’s good to know, because it means we all have a chance to be the recipients of the angels’ message, the people with whom God is pleased. We all have a shot at being a beloved disciple. And even though we probably won’t all end up with a feast day like John, John, John, as long as we focus on conforming ourselves to Christ, things will likely turn out just like the Mr. & Mrs. Brady suggested to Jan they will. As long as we keep our eyes open and on God, opportunity will present itself. That’s when we’ll find out what we do best, and do our best with it.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 2–THE INSECT’S CHRISTMAS

Well, as fate (or good planning) would have it, Day 77 of reading through the Catechism in one year as a part of the Year of Faith recounts a familiar tale. “Jesus was born in a humble stable, into a poor family. Simple shepherds were the first witnesses to this event. In this poverty heaven's glory was made manifest.” So, from the very beginning, Christmas has asked us to focus our attention on the poor, the overlooked, the small. Some people, of course, carry this to the extreme…

But extreme or not, you have to appreciate how the insect family in our short feature is quick to accept “Father’s invitation.” That’s another thing besides their seeming unimportance that they have in common with the shepherds who were told of the birth of Christ. In his recent book ‘Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives’ Pope Benedict XVI notes of the shepherds that “they were among the poor, the simple souls whom Jesus would bless, because to them above all is granted access to the mystery of God (cf Lk 10:21f.) They represent the poor of Israel, the poor in general: God’s first love.” But as His Holiness goes on to point out, it’s not simply the shepherd’s poverty that allowed them to receive such a special invitation. “Another element has been particularly emphasized by the monastic tradition: the shepherds’ watchfulness. Monks set out to be watchful in this world – in the first place through their nocturnal prayer, but above all inwardly, open to receiving God’s call through the signs of his presence.”

You see, there were a lot of folks in Bethlehem when Jesus was born. In fact, if we’re to believe the gospels, the local inns were overflowing with them. But none of them even noticed what was happening out in the manger. It was only those who were “watching” beforehand who got to see the Lord. Advent may have been about waiting for His coming, but Christmastime is about looking for Him in the here and now. The invitation to see him could come at any moment, we just have to keep watch for it.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 1: BATMAN

Anyone familiar with the Batman of the comics knows that one of the Caped Crusader’s most repeated monikers is that of “The World’s Greatest Detective.” How did the Dark Knight earn this lofty appellation? Well, just watch his magnificent mind go to work solving one of The Riddler’s stumpers in this clip…

A stunning bit of analytical aptitude. But riddle me this. Could even the mental might of the Masked Manhunter discover the alleged secret Catholic messages buried within the lyrics of The 12 Days of Christmas? What’s that, you say? You’ve never heard the rumors that all those lords a-leaping and pipers piping were in fact an encoded message to help persecuted papists catechize their children in 18th century England? Well, that’s the theory which was put forth in the late 1970s by Hugh D. McKellar, a Canadian English teacher and part-time hymnologist, and later built upon by Fr. Hal Stockert in the 80s. For those without an official papal decoder ring, the hidden message is as follows:

Partridge in a pear tree = Jesus Christ

Two turtle doves = the Old and New Testaments

Three French hens = faith, hope and love

Four calling birds = the four gospels

Five golden rings = the Torah, the first five books of the Old Testament

Six geese a-laying = the six days of creation.

Seven swans a-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit

Eight maids a-milking = the eight beatitudes.

Nine ladies dancing = the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit

Ten lords a-leaping = the ten commandments.

Eleven pipers piping = the eleven faithful disciples.

Twelve drummers drumming = the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed

Amazing. Cunning. Crafty. And probably a complete myth. Historian Gerry Bowler, author of The World Encyclopedia of Christmas, notes that “there are a number of clues that give it away as a tall tale but most important is the fact that none of the supposedly secret meanings is distinctly Catholic. None of the twelve codes would have been considered anything but normal Christian orthodoxy by the Protestants which ruled England at the time, so it would not need to have been imparted clandestinely. If any of the meanings had been about the special status for Catholics accorded by Mary during her brief rule (1553-1558) or the theology of the Mass or papal monarchy, etc. then the story might be more believable. In fact ‘the 12 Days’ is just one of a number of similar counting songs found in almost every European language.”

So, bummer, it looks like The 12 Days of Christmas was really just meant to be a simple counting game instead of a secret teaching document. But, hey, we’re the Catholic Church, we can always change that with a bit of inculturation can’t we? Hey kids, come gather around the Yule log, it’s quiz time!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 55)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. It’s time again for another Newsreel, brought to you as usual by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday and bane of liturgical puppets everywhere. Now off to press.

I

We give scientists (and occasionally Notre Dame) a lot of grief here at the Newsreel, so it’s nice to be able to report they’re both up to something reasonable for a change. To start off the new year properly, The University of Notre Dame's John J. Reilly Center for Science, Technology and Values has announced its first ever list of emerging ethical dilemmas and policy issues in science and technology. Among the concerns the center sees on the horizon for scientists and laypeople alike include the possible hacking of medical devices (boobytrapped pacemakers), driverless zipcars (the Googlemobile), the potential abuse of 3-D printing (please wait, your bomb is being queued). And because the Catechism explains that “medical and scientific experimentation on animals is a morally acceptable practice if it remains within reasonable limits and contributes to caring for or saving human lives.,” the center is very concerned over the possibility of human-animal hybrids. Because, you know, that never goes very well, does it…

II

Oh well, at least it will probably take a while for scientists to get around to creating manimals. They’ll probably start tampering with something small first, like say insects. Like sometime real soon. According to an article in the Daily Mail, “Hundreds of thousands of genetically modified mosquitoes are awaiting federal approval for release into the Florida Keys as part of an experiment aimed at reducing the risk of dengue fever… The trial planned by mosquito control officials and the British company Oxitec would release non-biting male mosquitoes that have been genetically modified to pass along a birth defect that kill their progeny before reaching maturity… Only female mosquitoes bite, so the modified genetic material wouldn't be passed on to humans, Mosquito control and Oxitec officials said.” Sure, why not? What could possibly go wrong with releasing genetically modified insects into the human population…

III

You know, if scientists just have to tamper with animals, maybe they should start with something that would have no affect on humans. For instance, ScienceDaily notes that “research conducted by Henkjan Honing, professor of Music Cognition at the UvA, and a team of neurobiologists headed by Hugo Merchant from the UNAM, shows that rhesus monkeys cannot detect the beat in music.” That doesn’t really seem fair, so we think scientists should spend some time teaching primates to read music. That way they could recognize the beat when it comes around. Wouldn’t that be a sweet thing to do for our simian friends? And besides, what conceivable consequences to humanity could possibly result from making monkeys smarter…

III 1/2

Well. It looks like we’re doomed if we do and doomed if we don’t. So what the heck, let’s just go ahead and make dragons…

And with that, we sign off this edition of the Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Monday, December 17, 2012

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: SANTA AND THE ICE CREAM BUNNY

Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny

“This strange children's film was partially directed by exploitation filmmaker Barry Mahon (The Beast That Killed Women). Santa Claus sits in Florida, sweating and dejected until some kids bring animals to help him get his sleigh out of the sand. It doesn't quite work, but Santa tells the teens a story anyway, which is actually Mahon's 1970 film Thumbelina, featuring Shay Gardner, also one of the beach kids here. Eventually, a man in a bunny suit gets Santa's mission operational again, bringing Mahon's puzzling excursion into family entertainment to a close.” – rovi’s AllMovie Guide

December 16, 2012: Third Sunday of Advent (Year C)

A sad truth of life is that there are some things which once seen can never be unseen. I personally learned this the hard way back in the early days of the Internet when I naively clicked on a link which promised to provide a picture of the woman who inspired the James Bond film Octopussy. Oh, the price of Wisdom. Thankfully, most children’s movies are usually free of any sights which might seer the unsuspecting mind. But alas, such is not the case with Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny, a movie which cruelly offers us the vision of the titular man in red rising from his sleigh which has become unceremoniously stuck on a beach somewhere in Florida, only to reveal a grotesquely large sweat stain puddled in the crotch of his suit. And the loathsome sight is unavoidable because Santa’s posterior is (inexplicably) center frame and pointed directly at the camera. You know, around these parts we sympathize with the limitations of having a low budget for your movie, but if you inadvertently film the traumatizing imagery of a pudgy man with a puddle of perspiration in his pants, is it really too much to ask for a second take?

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Fortunately, the rest of the movie isn’t quite as horrifying as that moment, but it is just as baffling. And it starts right from the very beginning where we find Santa’s sleigh stuck in the sand on a beach, which I suppose could happen, yet (inexplicably) the magic flying reindeer one would assume could easily extricate Mr. Kringle from the situation are AWOL. Instead, the jolly one decides to seek help by telepathically summoning a group of children who are in the middle of typical childhood activities like playing ball, wrestling, and (inexplicably) jumping off the tops of their houses using patio umbrellas as parachutes (which some parents must have sanctioned and then allowed to be filmed). All the kids, including (inexplicably) Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn, arrive at the site and, after some deliberation, decide the best recourse would be to bring an endless stream of animals to have a try at pulling the sled free. They manage to drag in a sheep, a donkey, a cow, a horse, a pig, and (inexplicably) a guy in a gorilla suit, but none of them are up to the task.

When all that fails, Santa decides to walk down the beach, use a payphone, and call a tow truck. No, not really. What he actually does (inexplicably) is decide the best course of action would be to take a seat (most likely accompanied by a wet plop) and tell the kids a story. About Thumbelina. Because nothing could be more applicable to the situation than the story of a small woman born from a barleycorn who gets kidnapped by toads and almost forced to marry a mole. Look, to save me from having to type the same thing over and over, can we all just agree at this juncture that the word inexplicable pretty much applies to the whole film?

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So, where were we? Oh yeah, Thumbelina. This is the point in Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny in which the filmmakers made the decision to insert an entirely different movie into the middle of the one you actually paid to see. Not short flashbacks to an earlier film or stock footage or any of those other tricks to extend running time so familiar to B-movie fans, but an entire movie with credits and all which had been released just the previous year. Actually, movie is probably too kind of a word. Thumbelina is really a filmed version of a late 60s children’s theater production complete with cardboard sets, paper mache puppet heads, and a stoned lead actress dressed like Jan Brady. Depending on your level of sobriety you’ll either find the whole thing charming and retro in a low rent Sid & Marty Kroft kind of way… or you’ll be completely unnerved. And after that long bit of padding is mercifully over and done with, the Ice Cream Bunny (a guy in a rabbit costume only slightly less disturbing than the one in Donnie Darko) finally shows up in a fire truck and drives Santa to the Pirate’s World amusement park, at which point you realize this entire exercise in misery has been nothing more than a promotional tool to drum up business for a tourist attraction soon to be obliterated by the opening of Disney World.

But really, it’s not the crass commercialism of the endeavor that’s so bothersome about Santa And The Ice Cream Bunny. I mean, if pimping a theme park was all it took to ruin a film, I’d just go ahead and swear off Disney movies for the rest of my life. No, what’s really grating is the film’s portrayal of Santa Claus. Now as a Christian I’ve long accepted that the modern Coca Cola version of Santa we have today is far removed the saint who inspired him. The original Saint Nicholas (the 4th century bishop of Myra) not only secretly delivered gifts to children, but he was just as quick to smack a heretic like Arius upside his noggin for saying something stupid. As fun as it would be to watch, that’s not the kind of scene I expect to see show up in a Rankin Bass production anytime soon. But at least most modern versions of jolly old St. Nick show him to be a compassionate, self-giving, competent leader. And even when we get an insensitive jerk like the Santa from Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, it’s only because he’s overworked and has a nagging wife. But this Santa who hangs out on the beach waiting on the Ice Cream Bunny? He’s a useless bozo. For the love of Christmas, man, get proactive, get your butt out of the sleigh, and please, please, put on a fresh pair of pants! Is this really the guy we want our children waiting expectantly for during this time of year?

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Maybe it would be best if we remind our kids there’s someone else we should be waiting on this Advent season, someone with a little more to offer than even the best version of ol’ Papá Noel. We should teach them to be more like the folks we find in this week’s gospel, “filled with expectation” and awaiting the Christ. As Pope Benedict XVI informs us, “Advent, this powerful liturgical season… invites us to pause in silence to understand a presence. It is an invitation to understand that the individual events of the day are hints that God is giving us, signs of the attention he has for each one of us. How often does God give us a glimpse of his love! To keep, as it were, an ‘interior journal’ of this love would be a beautiful and salutary task for our life! In the language of the ancient world it was a technical term used to indicate the arrival of an official or the visit of the king or emperor to a province. However, it could also mean the coming of the divinity that emerges from concealment to manifest himself forcefully or that was celebrated as being present in worship. Christians used the word ‘advent’ to express their relationship with Jesus Christ: Jesus is the King who entered this poor ‘province’ called ‘earth’ to pay everyone a visit; he makes all those who believe in him participate in his coming, all who believe in his presence in the liturgical assembly. The essential meaning of the word adventus was: God is here, he has not withdrawn from the world, he has not deserted us.”

Without dwelling on the events of the past week, that last bit bears repeating. God is here, he has not withdrawn from the world, he has not deserted us. We wait for signs during Advent, not of something which is missing, but of something present we just may not have recognized yet. Wait for it. In time He will be revealed.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

THE B-LIST: 6 WAYS TO END THE WORLD

In case you’ve somehow missed all the hype over the past few years, December 21, 2012 marks the last day of the 13th b'ak'tun according to the Mesoamerican Long Count calendar. And since the Mayans believed the previous world ended after 13 b'ak'tuns, that naturally means our current world is supposed to expire in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately, the Mayans didn’t leave us any clues as to how this cataclysm is supposed to take place, so we’ll just have to use our imaginations. But however it happens, I sure hope it’s something strange and unusual rather than just the typical rogue asteroid or nuclear disaster we’ve seen ad nauseum in countless Hollywood productions. No, if the Earth is actually to be destroyed rather than being saved in the final reel, I think it should be in a way that’s really weird, perhaps something similar to the doomsdays portrayed in these movies…

Robot Monster

ROBOT MONSTER (1953)

Robot Monster was only the third movie ever reviewed here at the B-Movie Catechism (hard to believe I’ve been allowed to get away with this for almost six years now), and even way back then I took note of the completely loopy finale in which the eeevil Ro-Man destroys all life on Earth with a machine that emits soap bubbles and sparklers.

Quiet Earth, The

THE QUIET EARTH (1985)

In this artsy undertaking, well meaning scientists attempt to create a world-wide energy grid, but like the dumb careless dolts movie scientists always are, they instead screw up the laws of physics and erase everyone off the planet.

Pulse (2001)

PULSE (2001)

While porn may be the number one problem on the Internet, right behind it has to be the legion of lonely ghosts  who inhabit cyberspace. Unfortunately, in this flick, some meddling Japanese teens let the spirits loose and they begin to quickly kill the living around the globe. Who you gonna call? Your butt, to kiss it goodbye.

Dead Or Alive

DEAD OR ALIVE (1999)

Now if you like your endings to come completely out of nowhere, you certanly won’t walk away unsatisfied from this movie. It features a climax in which a member of the Yakuza suddenly develops hitherto unseen super powers, goes all Dragonball on his opponent, and finally produces a fireball from his chest that causes the planet to explode.

Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY (2005)

As if you didn’t know this one already, the Earth is demolished by an alien construction crew in order to make way for an intergalactic highway. Talk about inefficient governments. I guess this is what happens when you ignore subsidiarity.

Cabin In The Woods, The

THE CABIN IN THE WOODS (2012)

And finally, there’s this Joss Whedon effort. Without giving too much away, cause you really don’t want to know the ending before you see it, let’s just say that the world is done in because some people refuse to accept the necessity of horror movies. Take that, critics of my viewing habits.

Actually, I suppose when you think about it, non-believers probably find what we Christians claim will happen at the end of the world just as strange sounding as the finales of some of these movies. The Church teaches that after a period ruled by “The Antichrist, a pseudo-messianism by which man glorifies himself in place of God and of his Messiah come in the flesh” (which seems to be just about the whole history of man, doesn’t it), Christ will return with all his angels, the dead in Christ shall be raised in their glorified bodies, and those Christians still living will be transformed into the same in the "twinkling of an eye". After the final judgment, those who make the cut will continue on into a new reality in the presence of God. It’s so spectacular it makes you wonder how many Christians actually believe it will happen.

But those of us with faith do, that’s why “when the Church celebrates the liturgy of Advent each year, she makes present this ancient expectancy of the Messiah, for by sharing in the long preparation for the Savior's first coming, the faithful renew their ardent desire for his second coming. (CCC 524)” So if the world really is going to end on December 12 right smack dab in the middle of Advent, as a Christian I can only say bring it on, I’m looking forward to it.

Monday, December 03, 2012

HUNTER PREY

Hunter Prey

THE PLOT

“A group of intergalactic soldiers fight for their lives on an inhospitable desert planet after their spaceship crashes while transporting an extraterrestrial prisoner. When their captive stages a daring escape, the soldiers receive orders to bring it back alive at all costs. That proves to be a challenge when the creature begins hunting its captors, killing them off one by one as they strain to recapture it without using lethal force. Before long, only one soldier is left standing. He realizes that the longer he refrains from killing the alien the more likely it is he will become its next victim. Eventually, the soldier uncovers the truth about his mission, which prompts him to reassess his situation from an entirely new perspective.” – Rovi’s Allmovie Guide

THE POINT

So, just how small was the budget for Hunter Prey? Well, the fact that the advanced technological rifles carried by the soldiers are actually repainted Nerf guns should give you a pretty good idea. But you know what? They’re probably the best looking Nerf guns you’ll ever see because Hunter Prey is something of a master class in how to build a believable movie world on a budget one-third that of the typical thirty minute sitcom.  For instance, if you don’t have the money to accurately portray vast alien civilizations, then just set 99% of your action on a barren desert planet and head off to the wastelands of Mexico to make your movie. Or if you don’t have the resources to depict two armies at war, you can always center the story around a small squad of three soldiers and one bounty hunter sent to recapture a single escaped prisoner, that way you’ll have a cast small enough to live in the same small house with the production crew while filming. And if you don’t have a huge special effects budget, well, you can always drop by Target and stock up on toy guns and spray paint. Of course, it would probably also help things if like Sandy Collora, the producer, director & co-writer of Hunter Prey, you were a former special effects designer on films like Leviathan, Men in Black, The Abyss, and Predator 2. Something like that would go a long way towards your being able to make some decent props (jazzed up Nerf weaponry included).

 Hunter 01

But knowing how to make cool playthings doesn’t necessarily mean you can make a good movie to showcase them in, so it’s fortunate that Collora also spent a few years cutting his director’s teeth on excellent short fan features like Batman: Dead End and World's Finest. Those efforts not only allowed him to develop his craft, but also garnered Collora a ton of good will from die hard fanboys due to his insistence on filming characters like Superman and Batman exactly as they were portrayed in the comics (no out of wedlock children for the former, no enormous vinyl codpieces or bat-nipples on the latter). And Hunter Prey, while not based on a preexisting property, carries that same devotion to a beloved look and style, in particular the movies Collora and his writing partner watched over and over while growing up in the 70s and 80s. “There was so much inspiration all around you at that time” Corolla has said in interviews, “On Saturday morning television, in toys like The Micronauts and the Mego superheroes, and of course, in movie theaters, where I spent most of my childhood, devouring 70's genre classics like Jaws, CE3K, Alien, Logan's Run, all the Planet of the Apes sequels, Rollerball, and of course, Star Wars.”

What Hunter Prey does isn’t so much steal from those old films (alright, so maybe the giant whale skeleton in the middle of the desert is pretty much lifted straight out of A New Hope), but rather it attempts, and mostly succeeds, in recreating the look and feel of a movie from that era, or at least, given the budget, a well made TV movie from that era. The costuming has a definite lived in Star Wars appearance. The desert setting recalls classic Star Trek (I half expected to see Kirk and The Gorn go running by in the background at any minute), and the alien designs are reminiscent of… just about anything that had an alien in it during that period (except for maybe the actual movie Alien, because you definitely want to keep Giger’s psycho-sexual monster suits in their own little dark corner of the universe as much as you can). Instead, think more along the lines of the extraterrestrials found in stuff  like The Last Starfighter or Enemy Mine, and you won’t be that far off. Honestly, you can’t help but think of those two movies because one of the two main characters in Hunter Prey is named Centauri and there’s a whole scene in which a discussion is held about an honorable warrior race known as the Drac. It’s hard not to make associations when the movie you’re watching actually name drops characters from its predecessors.

Hunter 02

And if you think the visuals of Hunter Prey seem a little familiar, then you won’t be surprised to find that a lot of the story is pretty recognizable as well. There’s a bit of the aforementioned Enemy Mine (one human and one alien pitted against one another on an otherwise uninhabited planet), the classic Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield" (the human is the last of his kind, the alien has the potential to be the same), and even a bit of 2001 with the characters engaging in an ongoing conversation with an intelligent computer (voiced by Buck Roger’s Erin Grey!). So, yeah, Hunter Prey pretty much wears its influences on its sleeve (and its pants, shoes, and spare set of clean underwear). But it’s not as stale or unoriginal as it sounds. The narrative still manages to keep you interested enough to stick around to the end, mostly due to the interaction between the two main characters as they fight against the environment and try to outwit each other in an effort to complete their respective missions. In an interview with io9, the director remarked, “At its core, this is a picture about survival. Being able to adapt to your surroundings and persevere, to survive at all costs and prevail against incredible odds to complete an objective.” Of course, what adds some extra weight to the proceedings is the fact that the ultimate objective both species are pursuing is basically genocide; not the conquering of territory, not the capturing of resources, just the plain simple eradication of one people or the other. The movie doesn’t go into too much detail as to exactly why these two species feel it necessary to wipe each other out, but the reality of the fact hangs over every action the characters take. Admittedly though, while this makes for an interesting watch, that kind of a fight makes it kind of hard to pick a side to cheer for.

Unless, of course, it was God who was demanding the genocide, in which case you’d probably want to root for His team, right? Fortunately, such a thing couldn’t possibly happen could it, a merciful God ordering the complete annihilation of an entire people? Well, as atheists are quick to point out (almost constantly, even when you’re just trying to talk to them about something as innocuous as the weather), that very thing appears to have happened in the Old Testament when God commanded the Israelites to kill every Amalekites in existence. According to the 1907 Catholic Encyclopedia, the Amalekites were “a people remembered chiefly as the most hated of all the enemies of Israel, and traditionally reputed among the fiercest of Bedouin tribes… Their first meeting took place in the first year of the wandering, after Israel came out of Egypt, and was of such a nature that Israel then conceived a hatred of the Amalecites that outlasted their extermination under King Ezechias, many centuries later… There is little in this account of Exodus to show why the Amalecites should be singled out to incur the special animosity of the Israelites, yet it concludes with the decree of Jehovah that He will destroy the memory of Amalec from under heaven, and that His hand will be against Amalec from generation to generation.”

Hunter 03

Now, by modern sensibilities the order to destroy an entire people probably sounds like overkill (literally), so it’s easy to understand why atheists, non-Christians, and even quite a few believers find this particular biblical story at odds with the idea of a merciful God. But before jumping too quickly to label God a hypocrite, we should probably take into account a few things, the first of which is the fact that the people we are talking about in this part of the Old Testament were part of a culture far removed from ours in many ways. Discussing the Bedouin tribes who populated the region at that time, the New World Encyclopedia tells us how “Sharaf is the general Bedouin honor code for men. It can be acquired, augmented, lost, and regained. Sharaf involves protection of the ird [honor code for females] of the women of the family, protection of property, maintenance of the honor of the tribe, and protection of the village (if the tribe has settled down).” Where the duties of Sharaf apply to this particular moral dilemma is in the concept of hospitality to strangers. “Hospitality (diyafa) is a virtue closely linked to Sharaf. If required, even an enemy must be given shelter and fed for some days. Poverty does not exempt one from one's duties in this regard.” If you think about the large number of itinerants who made up the ancient Bedouin population, it’s easy to understand why these hospitality customs were treated as a sacred duty. Without them, the mere close proximity of two wandering tribes would almost certainly guarantee war over the scarce desert resources. So in short, no hospitality laws, no regional stability. Which means that when the Amalekites attacked the Jews for simply passing through, they weren’t just acting like common thugs, they were undermining the very social fabric of the entire region. And because a bunch of nomads didn’t typically have the means to detain bands of murdering anarchists, the act was made punishable by death in order to prevent recidivism. AND… if that wasn’t tough enough, the New World Encyclopedia also notes that “Bedouin tribes are typically held responsible for the action of their members”, so under the law, the death penalty acquired by the soldiers who committed the crime could actually be carried over to their entire people (more on that in a minute).

So, you see, when viewed in its proper timeframe and cultural context, the “genocide” carried out by the Jews against the Amalekites was actually the legitimate legal punishment under the Bedouin code of honor. Obviously, with our modern penal resources, it’s not the way we would prefer to handle such things these days (even if we sometimes do, another post for another time), but back before the common era it was an understandable method of ensuring safety and stability within a tenuous nomadic culture. But while all of that might explain from an earthly perspective why the Jews were legally justified in seeking to exterminate the Amalekites, it still leaves us with the atheists’ chief accusation that God’s rubber stamping of the action is in direct conflict with the image of God as put forth by Christianity. Basically, their question is why wouldn’t a merciful God command his followers to commute the death sentence, if not for the guilty soldiers, then at least for the Amalekite women and children who weren’t directly involved in the original attack?

Hunter 04

Well, what a lot of atheists tend to miss in their rush to proclaim God a genocidal maniac is the fact that the actual declaration by God in 1 Samuel to carry out the execution of the Amalekites occurs about four centuries after the first incident took place in the desert back in Exodus. So it’s not like God didn’t give the Amalekites plenty of time to repent their sins and change their ways. But mercy can be rejected. So, rather than take advantage of a 400 year long grace period, various passages in the Bible detail how generations of Amalekites instead willfully chose to spend their time continuously trying to enslave or eradicate the Israelites. As Rabbi Aron Moss explains it, “The Amalekites took any opportunity to attack Jews for absolutely no reason. There was no land dispute or provocation that caused this hatred – it was an intrinsic pathological need to destroy G-d’s people. Such hatred cannot be combatted through diplomacy. There was no option to re-educate the Amalekites or review their school curricula. Their hatred was not taught – it was ingrained. As long as an Amalekite walked the earth, no Jew was safe.”

What was happening with the Amalekites appears to have been a type of institutionalized sin of cooperation, or what some folks these days are calling a corporate sin. The Catechism reminds us that while “sin is a personal act… we have a responsibility for the sins committed by others when we cooperate in them: - by participating directly and voluntarily in them; - by ordering, advising, praising, or approving them; - by not disclosing or not hindering them when we have an obligation to do so; - by protecting evil-doers. Thus sin makes men accomplices of one another and causes concupiscence, violence, and injustice to reign among them.” It’s seems evident that while not all the Amalekites participated in the attacks on the Jews, their entire society made itself a willing accomplice by training their children to keep the attacks going generation after generation. And if that’s the case, then the Amalekites had a huge problem because, as the Catholic Encyclopedia tells us in its definition of Accomplice, “Whether in that case the accomplice has shared in the perpetration of the injustice physically or morally (i.e. by giving a command, by persuasion, etc.) whether positively or negatively (i.e. by failing to prevent it) the obligation of restitution is determined in accordance with the following principle. All are bound to reparation who in any way are accounted to be the actual efficient causes of the injury wrought, or who, being obliged by contract, express or implied, to prevent it, have not done so. There are circumstances in which fellowship in the working of damage to another makes the accomplice liable to restitution in solidum; that is, he is then responsible for the entire loss in so far as his partners have failed to make good for their share.” Or in layman’s terms, if you’re an accomplice in the sin, even if it’s not in the direct action itself, you earn the full penalty. And it’s that principle which we see at work in both the Bedouin code of honor (see, we got to it) and in God’s decree to kill all the Amalekites.

Hunter 05

Now at this point, assuming they actually read through all of that stuff about Beduoin history, cooperation with sin, and what have you, I imagine there might still be some dissenters who would protest, “Fine, fine, we’ll give you the adults. But what about the children? Why not at least allow them to live?” And it’s a fair question. After all, even in places like modern day Rwanda where warlords are turning kids into brainwashed killing machines, don’t we see various agencies making slow but steady progress in rehabilitating them back into society? So why couldn’t the same thing have been done with the Amalekite children? Sadly, again, the New World Encyclopedia’s description of Bedouin society would seem to indicate they simply didn’t have the resources to attempt such a thing without endangering the safety of everyone else. In effect, the cruel realities of the era sealed the fate of the children. And as for a merciful God signing off on that particular part of the genocide (because that’s what it was by the dictionary definition of the word), well, for that maybe it’s best to turn to the lesson of Sodom and Gomorra. If you’ll remember, the Bible notes that the outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah was so great, and their sin so grave (a sin which included abandonment of the laws of hospitality by the way), that God decided it was finally time to smite the whole lot of them. And He didn’t forego His mercy to do so, as God promised Abraham if there could be found even ten righteous people in Sodom and Gomorra, then He would let the entire population off the hook. We all know how that story turned out. What it comes down to is if we accept that there is an all-knowing God then we also accept that he knows the hearts of all people, and from there it’s no stretch to accept that He knows when an entire society has corrupted itself past the point of no return and definitively rejected His mercy. The ugly truth is that the Amalekites had centuries to root out their “corporate sin”, they chose not to and paid the lawful price. 

And finally, for those out there who understand all of the previous discussion, and yet still feel a merciful God wouldn’t order the total eradication of the Amalekites, there’s one last thing to take into consideration. God was right. You see, even after the decree was given to finally carry out the destruction of the Amalekites, King Saul didn’t complete the job. Against God’s will, Saul left the Amalekite king (and possibly a few hundred others) alive, and it was Agag’s descendant Haman who eventually sought the annihilation of the Jews a few centuries later in the book of Esther. Never play at being smarter than God, it just doesn’t work out well for anyone.

THE STINGER

The death of the children in the story of the Amalekites is understandably upsetting to a lot of people. But don’t you get the feeling that what bothers a lot of people just as much about stories like this in the Bible is the idea that time ultimately runs out and God, out of respect for our free will, allows us to suffer the consequences of our decisions? Who wants to hear that?

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

COMING ATTRACTIONS: HUNTER PREY

While taking a little time off from blogging for the Thanksgiving holiday, it dawned on me that I still had a few “atheists questions of doom” to get around to addressing. So, what does a little seen low budget space opera have to do with incredulous atheists? Come back in a day or two to find out.

Enter video caption here

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 52)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Welcome back to the Newsreel, brought to you once again by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. This week we take yet another look into what scientists are spending all of our tax funded research dollars on. Money well spent? You be the judge. Now off to press.

Girls In The Night

I

A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research entitled “Pornography Actresses: An Assessment of the Damaged Goods Hypothesis” reports some shocking conclusions. According to the researchers, “In terms of psychological characteristics, porn actresses had higher levels of self-esteem, positive feelings, social support, sexual satisfaction, and spirituality compared to the matched group,” all of this despite the fact that “women working in porn tried more drugs, had their first sexual experience at a younger age and had more sexual partners than those in the sample group.” Right. The flaw in the study, obviously, is that the positive results are based on the secular understanding of “self-esteem”, or as we like to refer to it around here, that relativistic self-centered state of mind that judges every situation on whether or not it hurts your feelings, and one which often leads to the development of narcissism and a sense of self-entitlement. And because secularized self-esteem is based on nothing but feelings, it is by nature transient and subject to change on a moment’s notice. Ask these same women the same questions five years from now when the money has dried up, the drugs have taken their toll, and the silicone has started to leak, and it’s quite possible the results will be startlingly different. Better to stick with the Christian version of self-esteem. As Msgr. Cormac Burke writes, “The Christian's self-esteem, his or her sense of self-worth, is both simple and extraordinary, inasmuch as it combines two very contrasting extremes. On the one hand I, as a Christian, know that I am a son of God; on the other, I know that I am a sinner in need of redemption. There is no greater sense of dignity and worth, and no greater sense of misery and danger. If I die loving God and others, I am saved. If I die loving just myself, I am lost. Christian education and formation — lifetime tasks — are fundamentally aimed at helping me take stock of my dignity, to grow in it with God's help and at the same time to fight against all inbuilt tendencies such as vanity, envy, greed or lust that turn me in on myself.”

Idiocracy

II

Maybe the modern problem of not being able to distinguish between false self-esteem and true self worth lies in the fact that people are just getting dumber. At least that’s what a paper published in the journal Trends in Genetics by Stanford University researcher Gerald Crabtree suggests. According to Prof. Crabtree, “The development of our intellectual abilities and the optimization of thousands of intelligence genes probably occurred in relatively non-verbal, dispersed groups of peoples before our ancestors emerged from Africa.” Since then, it’s been a slow downward spiral of intelligence as advancements in technology have removed our need to think creatively in order to survive. A number of scientists have immediately disagreed with Crabtree’s conclusions because, well, nobody likes being called stupid, yet Crabtree stands by his hypothesis. But even if he is right, Crabtree says not to worry because by the time we’re in danger of living in a world full of morons science should be able to “magically correct” the problem through genetic manipulation. Because as we’ve learned from movies like Scanners, nothing could possibly go wrong with that idea. But an even more immediate problem than the threat of telepathic mutants is the fact that Crabtree’s time calculations may be off a decimal or two. In case the good professor didn’t notice, even though our country just went through a four year decline in which the poor became poorer and religious freedom came under serious prolonged attack, the American people just voted back in almost every Democrat and Republican who helped exacerbate the mess to begin with. You know, those geneticists might want to get to work really quick.

Sound And The Fury, The

III

If all of the wacky scientific studies we’ve shared over the past few months haven’t been enough to make you cover your ears to shut them out, then this next one is sure to do the trick. In a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience, “Newcastle University scientists reveal the interaction between the region of the brain that processes sound, the auditory cortex, and the amygdala, which is active in the processing of negative emotions when we hear unpleasant sounds. Brain imaging has shown that when we hear an unpleasant noise the amygdala modulates the response of the auditory cortex heightening activity and provoking our negative reaction.” The fact that our brains actually heighten unpleasant sounds suggests to Dr Sukhbinder Kumar that our strong adverse reactions to certain noises might be a sort of primitive distress signal. This idea appears to be backed up by the top ten sounds identified by test subjects as the most unpleasant to the human ear. The list includes: 1. Knife on a bottle 2. Fork on a glass 3. Chalk on a blackboard 4. Ruler on a bottle 5. Nails on a blackboard 6. Female scream 7. Angle Grinder 8. Brakes on a cycle squealing 9. Baby crying 10. Electric drill. Since the responsorial Psalm set to a Cha Cha Cha melody which was heard at our local parish a few weeks ago mysteriously did not appear on the list, we can only assume it came in at number eleven.

Day Of The Animals

III 1/2

And in closing, we share with you this story of a deer who assaulted two men and then jumped inside their truck and stole their cigarettes. Police eventually arrived and tased the animal, but not before it finished eating the smokes. There’s probably a moral in there somewhere, but we’re still looking for it.

And on that note, we sign off the Newsreel for this week, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

WEEKLY NEWSREEL – 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 50)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. Welcome back to the Newsreel, brought to you once again by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. Scoentists have been keeping busy producing more studies, and we’ve been busy reading them. Now off to press.

Thinner

II

That unavoidable aroma of scented pinecones in the air can only mean that Thanksgiving and Christmas are rapidly approaching. And with them comes the inevitable worries of packing on a few extra pounds due to all those holiday meals. It’s not that being overweight is not considered a sin in and of itself, but some particular reasons for the condition, like say gluttony or laziness, can be, so this causes some Christians a bit of concern. Well, regular readers of this blog need not worry as researchers from the University of Westminster in the UK have determined that watching horror movies can help you lose weight. One specialist involved in the study explains that this is a result of the “release of fast acting adrenaline, produced during short bursts of intense stress (or in this case, brought on by fear), which is known to lower the appetite, increase the Basal Metabolic Rate and ultimately burn a higher level of calories.” So which films are your best bets for shedding a few inches? According to the study, the following flicks are are the top ten fat burners: 1. The Shining - 184 calories  2. Jaws - 161 calories  3. The Exorcist - 158 calories  4. Alien - 152 calories  5. Saw - 133 calories  6. A Nightmare on Elm Street - 118 calories  7. Paranormal Activity - 111 calories  8. The Blair Witch Project - 105 calories  9. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre - 107 calories  10. [Rec] - 101 calories. So there you go. The next time someone questions why you’re going to watch Jack Nicholson chase his son around the snow with an axe for the umpteenth dozen time, just assure that person that you’re following the teachings of the Catechism by taking reasonable care of the precious gift of physical health entrusted to you by God by burning off some excess calories.

scentofmystery

II

Speaking of aromas, do you or someone you know have a poor sense of smell. Well, according to a study out of Macquarie University in Australia, there’s a good chance one or both of you could be a psychopath. “Researchers found that those individuals who scored highly on psychopathic traits were more likely to struggle to both identify smells and tell the difference between smells, even though they knew they were smelling something. These results show that brain areas controlling olfactory processes are less efficient in individuals with psychopathic tendencies… Olfactory measures represent a potentially interesting marker for psychopathic traits, because performance expectancies are unclear in odor tests and may therefore be less susceptible to attempts to fake good or bad responses.” So the next time you’re at a parish that actually still uses incense as part of the proper veneration of the Word of God and you feel the urge to complain about it bothering your nose, at least be thankful you can actually smell it. It’s at least one sign you aren’t a lunatic.

Rat Scratch Fever

III

But just because your nose is working properly doesn’t necessarily mean your mentally healthy. Other sensory issues could indicate a problem as well. Livescience, taking note of an article in the journal the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, reports that if you feel the urge to scratch after seeing someone else do it, you could possibly be a neurotic. “Merely seeing someone else scratch activates brain centers involved in the itch response, suggesting the observation makes one itchy… [however] those study participants who were more neurotic (a tendency toward negative emotions) were more likely to experience itch contagion.” Now, this notion of compulsive itching as a sign of neurosis should come as no surprise to readers of the Bible. 2 Timothy 4:3 (RSV) tells us “For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own likings.” The itching ears in this case represents the impulse people feel to avoid uncomfortable truths by seeking out messages more agreeable to their existing desires. Which if you put it all together probably makes the creeping tide of Secularism the biggest itch contagion going around right now.

III 1/2

And finally there’s this…

Sharknado

…coming straight to DVD and the SyFY Channel sometime in 2013. Enough said indeed?

And with that, we now sign off the Newsreel, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.