Tuesday, April 30, 2013

SHORT FEATURE: CARMAGEDDON GONE YAKETY

So, over at Aleteia this weekend I spent some time with Michael Bay’s Pain & Gain. Ultimately there were a few things which kept me from completely liking it, but I have to give the film its due. Bay has finally made a movie with some honest to goodness real ideas in it. Weird, I know. I’m willing to bet that when you think of Michael Bay, the first thing that probably comes to mind is something more along the lines of this…

Okay, so that was… pointless… stupid… silly? Yeah, all of those. But it makes me laugh every time I watch it, and as Proverbs 17:22 points out, “a joyful heart is the health of the body.”

Plus, as Father James Martin notes in an interview with Our Sunday Visitor, with all the bad stuff going on these days, now is a pretty good time to hold onto our sense of humor and joy. “First, it’s important to have a sense of humility and poverty of spirit. Second, humor helps us get along with people. Humor is a natural social element that is an essential part of human interaction. Third, to gain some perspective. The saints used humor as a tool in their quest for humility and also as a way of gaining some perspective on their place in the universe. And finally, as Archbishop Timothy Dolan has said, ‘Happiness attracts.’ Why would anyone want to join a group of miserable people? It also communicates our belief in the Resurrection. We’re living in Easter time now — Christ has risen. The disciples ran with joy to see the risen Lord. They didn’t mope around.”

So find something to make you smile today. It probably won’t be a Michael Bay film, but I’m sure there’s something else out there.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

THE B-LIST – THE TOP 6 WORST PLACES TO BE BURIED

While recently reading through the Catechism in one year as a part of the Year of Faith (Day 185 to be precise), I ran across a quote from St. Monica regarding the handling of her mortal remains after her approaching death. “Put this body anywhere!” she said, “Don't trouble yourselves about it! I simply ask you to remember me at the Lord's altar wherever you are.” The good lady said this because she understood, as the Catechism explains, that “the Eucharistic sacrifice is also offered for the faithful departed who ‘have died in Christ but are not yet wholly purified,’ so that they may be able to enter into the light and peace of Christ.” So, saint or no saint, Monica was taking the possibility of time in purgatory seriously and wanted to make she was covered in case of that outcome.
Still, I have to wonder if she would have been quite so nonchalant about her body’s resting place if she had seen some of the movies I have. Here are some of the worst places in cinema history to be buried.
cemetery man
1. Buffalora Cemetery from Cemetery Man (1994)
Sure, we Christians believe in a bodily resurrection, but we prefer to wait until Jesus comes back around before we get to it. At Buffalora, you’re barely in the ground before you’re back up and looking for a quick snack… of human flesh!
pet sematary
2. The pet cemetery from Pet Sematary (1989)
Pretty much the same situation as Buffalora, except you have the added olfactory displeasure of waking up next to a bunch of dead cats.
phantasm
3. Morningside Cemetery from Phantasm (1979)
Still, being a zombie isn’t the worst thing you could come back as. If you have the misfortune to be laid to rest at Morningside, there’s a strong possibility the Tall Man will dig you up and compress your body into that of a mindless inter-dimensional dwarf. Then he’ll dress you up like a Jawa.
poltergeist
4. Cuesta Verde Estates from Poltergeist (1982)
While being dug up is no fun, getting to stay in the ground is no picnic in a horror film either. There’s always the chance some land developer will decide to build a subdivision on top of you, requiring your ghost to cause a little ruckus to get them to leave.
nightbreed
5. Midian from Nightbreed (1990)
And if it’s not the humans moving in, it’s the monsters. The main problem with having a bunch of mutants build a city underneath your gravesite is that the local backwoods militia won’t like it, and they always seem to have a few rocket launchers sitting around.
plan 9
6. The unnamed cemetery from Plan 9 from Outer Space (1959)
Now you’d think the problem here would be the aliens running around trying to resurrect the dead for their own evil purposes, but that’s not really it. The problem is all the cheap cardboard tombstones. We pay you guys thousands of dollars for a site and a marker and that’s all we can expect? Put a little effort into it, why don’t you?
Oh well, it’s all temporary after all.

SHORT FEATURE - THE APOCALYPSE

It was double duty time over at Aleteia again this past weekend as I watched Oblivion, the post-apocalyptic epic starring Tom Cruise, and HBO’s Girls, a show full of stupid people doing stupid things.

It got me to thinking, wouldn’t it be great if there was a movie featuring both the apocalypse AND stupid people. Well, I guess Seth Rogen thought the same thing, because This Is The End comes out in June. But then I thought, wouldn’t it be great if there was one I could watch right now. Well, guess what, somebody already took care of that as well. Feel free to take a look, but be warned, there will be blood.

That doesn’t seem quite fair does it? Who knew a single thought could get you into so much trouble? Well, maybe Jesus did. Remember, he’s the guy who said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you, everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Thankfully he didn’t follow that up with, “And when that happens, their heads will explode!” That’s because, instead of setting up a sudden death scenario, Jesus was reminding us that God’s laws aren’t just about external compliance. They’re meant to be internalized, effecting a transformation of the inner person. And fortunately, he gives us time to work on that change instead of immediately having our heads pop whenever we have a bad thought. I, for one, appreciate that.

Friday, April 19, 2013

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU

Now Showing Marquee 2

Unfortunately, work has kept me from heavy blogging this week, but I did manage to take in two movies for Aleteia over the weekend. First I saw 42, the Jackie Robinson biopic with very little actual Jackie Robinson in it (still liked it though), and then I watched To The Wonder, which is Terrence Malick at his most Malicky.

But enough of all that drama, how about something more along the lines of what’s usually found around these parts, like say a thriller. For that, look no further than Romish Graffiti where Scott W. has some things to say about The Tall Man, a movie that knows what’s better for your children than you do.

They just don’t make’em like they used to, do they? Maybe that’s why Paul D. Miller over at Schaeffer's Ghost is reminiscing about Raiders of the Lost Ark and its depiction of the all consuming fire that is God.

Of course, some people don’t want to make them like they used to, and that doesn’t sit too well with Micah Murphy. At Truth & Charity, Micah explains why he’s had about enough of revisionist fantasy novels where the bad guys from earlier works are reimagined as poor put-upon innocents, compelling him to ask the question, “Who Hijacked My Fantasy Genre?”

And finally, as you may remember, a couple of weeks back we had a pretty good debate going on here at the B-Movie Catechism about ethics and zombies. One question we never asked, though, is “why isn't Jesus a zombie?” Louis Sullivan takes some time to answer that at Busted Halo.

Anyway, that should keep you busy until I get back into the swing of things here. See you then.

Tuesday, April 09, 2013

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #13 – EVIL DEAD THE MUSICAL

Believe it or not, my assignment this week over at Aleteia was to review the new Evil Dead movie. Hey, it’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it, right? Now what some people forget is this is not the first time Sam Raimi’s cult classic has been reimagined. But that’s understandable, I suppose, because about the only way to see the previous reboot was to take a stroll down to your local community theater…

Ah, poor Annie. Oh well, not everyone is called to be in a relationship after all. The Catechism points out that “single men and women [can] embrace the gift of celibacy while living alone, with a family or with others who are single,” and that by doing so, “they are able to devote time and energy in service of others, and may serve in their parish community or in the Church in a number of different ways.” So buck up Annie, not everybody has to have a man. In your case, I’d seriously consider the celibate lifestyle. The male population would be most grateful.

Monday, April 08, 2013

IMITATING MARY (IS MY HOMEGIRL)

HOW I REACT WHEN THE CHOIR BREAKS OUT THE MARACAS

Like many of you I’m sure, one of my favorite new blogs is Mary Is My Homegirl, so I know you’ll understand that when I ran across this GIF I just had to give it a try. If you haven’t already, be sure to head over to Mary Is My Homegirl where this kind of thing is done much better on a daily basis.

Sunday, April 07, 2013

SHORT FEATURE–CARGO

Just in case anybody out there is having Walking Dead withdrawals now that season 3 is over with, here’s a sweet (no, seriously) little zombie short to tide you over.

“In children we have a great charge committed to us. Let us bestow great care upon them, and do everything that the Evil One may not rob us of them.” - St. John Chrysostom

Wednesday, April 03, 2013

PULP CATHOLICISM #010

Pulp Catholicism 010
And the quality exegesis you’ve come to expect from The B-Movie Catechism continues.

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU

Now Showing Marquee 3

Over at Aleteia this last week, I got to spend some more quality time with The Rock, this time as he suits up to take on the evil forces of Cobra in G.I. Joe Retaliation. Sure, it sounds bad, but I was the lucky one. While I got to watch the weekend’s box office winner, Jennilee Miller over at Schaeffer’s Ghost chose the opposite route and sat through the unmitigated bomb that was The Host. Strangely, amidst the near universal hatred of the movie (an incredible 11% at Rotten Tomatoes, that’s career ruining numbers folks), Ms. Miller still managed to find in the story an oddly compelling argument for upholding pro-life beliefs.

Speaking of strange, for those who watched the History Channel’s epic miniseries, The Bible, Entertainment Weekly notes that some weird things happened on set during the filming. And as long as we’re on the subject of television, why not stop by Romish Graffiti where Scott W. continues his trek through the wilds of Netflix streaming with a look at the short lived series The Chicago Code, then head on over to Acts of the Apostasy where LarryD laments how same sex marriage is ruining his beloved Doctor Who.

In other somewhat television related news, over at The American Catholic Donald R. McClarey continues his survey of onscreen portrayals of Pontius Pilate with one we just had to mention, famed TV star Telly Savalas. You know, I admit the man may have played a cool cop on Kojac, but in the movies he was just plain vicious. Not only did he order the death of Christ (The Greatest Story Ever Told) and kill the wife of James Bond (On Her Majesty's Secret Service), but he finally just up and appeared as Satan himself (Lisa and the Devil). Who loves you, baby? Not Telly if he was in a movie.

But enough of all that silliness, how about some porn? Well, sort of. Okay, truth be told, none at all. Really, it’s just Patrick Archbold spending some time at Creative Minority Report wondering if the existence of porn actually causes Hollywood to produce cleaner mainstream movies.

And finally, there’s no religious content involved, but there’s no way I could not mention that MANOS: The Hands of Fate video game app is finally available for Android devices. I’ve just side loaded it to my Kindle Fire, so if you don’t hear from me for awhile, you’ll know why.

manos

Monday, April 01, 2013

THE WALKING DEAD: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO BLOW YOUR OWN BRAINS OUT?

The Walking Dead, saison 1

Okay, so the chances of a real zombie apocalypse happening are pretty slim, but if it did it would raise some interesting questions for Christians. For instance, on tonight’s season finale of The Walking Dead, one of the characters who has been with the show since episode one finally gets bitten, and instead of making someone else kill them after they turn, asks for a gun so they can put a bullet through their own head.

In a non-zombie filled world, and assuming there are no mental issues involved, blowing your own brains out would be a clear case of suicide. And as the Catechism points out, this is clearly not allowed because “suicide contradicts the natural inclination of the human being to preserve and perpetuate his life. It is gravely contrary to the just love of self. It likewise offends love of neighbor because it unjustly breaks the ties of solidarity with family, nation, and other human societies to which we continue to have obligations. Suicide is contrary to love for the living God. If suicide is committed with the intention of setting an example, especially to the young, it also takes on the gravity of scandal. Voluntary co-operation in suicide is contrary to the moral law.”

But what about once you add zombies to the equation? In the world of The Walking Dead, unless you manage to chop off the compromised limb within a minute or so, a zombie bite is a guaranteed death sentence. And in the case of tonight’s episode, the character in question was bitten in the neck, so amputation was not an option. That means without a doubt this character was going to die, turn into a zombie, and immediately attack any living person in the room. So, under those circumstances, was it moral or immoral for this character to take their own life?

Alas, as much as I’ve searched, I can’t find anything addressing zombie apocalypse ethics in the Catechism, and I don’t suppose we’re going to a bishop’s ruling on this question anytime soon. That being the case, I’ll go ahead and take a shot at it (so to speak) myself. According to the Catechism, “The object, the intention, and the circumstances make up the "sources," or constitutive elements, of the morality of human acts. The object chosen is a good toward which the will deliberately directs itself… In contrast to the object, the intention resides in the acting subject. Because it lies at the voluntary source of an action and determines it by its end, intention is an element essential to the moral evaluation of an action… [however] a good intention (for example, that of helping one's neighbor) does not make behavior that is intrinsically disordered, such as lying and calumny, good or just. The end does not justify the means… The circumstances, including the consequences, are secondary elements of a moral act. They contribute to increasing or diminishing the moral goodness or evil of human acts (for example, the amount of a theft). They can also diminish or increase the agent's responsibility (such as acting out of a fear of death). Circumstances of themselves cannot change the moral quality of acts themselves; they can make neither good nor right an action that is in itself evil.”

So let’s see. If I’m reading things correctly, in this situation the intention is to protect others, which is inarguably a good thing, however, the moral object (the end towards which the chosen act is inherently directed) would be the extinguishing of one’s own life, which is a grave sin. I’d say the circumstances obviously diminish the culpability of the person pulling the trigger, but are they enough to make the action a moral one? Before we make a decision, let’s throw in one more wrinkle. The Catechism has this to say about defense. “Legitimate defense can be not only a right but a grave duty for one who is responsible for the lives of others. The defense of the common good requires that an unjust aggressor be rendered unable to cause harm.” Given that, perhaps the first question to answer is, since returning as a zombie would obviously endanger others, could shooting yourself in the head actually be considered a legitimate act of defense of others, or would it still be considered suicide (and therefore immoral) because there’s always the possibility someone else could finish off your zombified corpse before it harms anybody?

Well, I’m not the Pope, but in this case, I think that personally I would rather err on the side of mercy and say that if someone in that particular circumstance felt it necessary to take their own life for the safety of the group, God would probably go easy on them. He tends to do that after all.

So, anybody got any ideas on this one?