STILL VOICES #024

NOAH: A FOLLOW-UP

If you read my reviews over at Aleteia, such as the latest one for Noah, then you know they are often lite on the theological discussions I attempt (successfully or otherwise) to put into my reviews here. That’s very much on purpose as my editors have asked for a specific type of article from me as part of their evangelistic efforts. That’s fine as I’m more than happy to do whatever I can to help the cause.

Still, an occasional film shows up that I feel deserves a little more in-depth analysis. Such was the case with Noah, and I was seriously considering writing a longer piece on the film for this blog after the Aleteia review had run its course. But now, thanks to Darwin Catholic, I don’t have to. In his review of the movie, Mr. Darwin says most of what I wanted to. For instance…

“One of the key problems with the movie, in the end, is that it builds up Noah as such a dangerous fanatic that I personally was rooting for him to die in order to protect humanity from him, yet although Noah does at the last relent in a key way -- due to a moment of humanity which he nonetheless sees as a failure of nerve -- the movie fails to either mete out justice to him or show a sufficient conversion of character to seem dramatically satisfying. The story of Noah has been changed from one in which God deals out justice to humanity through clear (if dark) instructions, to one in which humanity, in the person of one ultimately powerful and relentless man, must decide for itself what is right and what is wrong. And never even quite does that clearly.”

And there’s a lot more of that kind of thoughtful analysis throughout the review. What I particularly like is that Darwin neither heaps scorn on the film as some have, nor does he lavish it with hyperbolic praise as have others. The movie deserves neither. Instead, he finds plenty to like in it, but ultimately concludes that it fails in its intentions. In other words, he agrees with me!

So be sure to head on over to Darwin Catholic and check out what I would have come close to writing about Noah here. My thanks to Darwin for the excellent review and for saving me some time.

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU: NOAH

It’s probably no big shock that I reviewed Darren Aronofsky’s Noah for Aleteia this week. I mean, how often are you going to get the chance these days to review a $125,000,000 biblical epic helmed by an Academy Award nominated director? The choice was a no-brainer.

Paramount, hoping to earn back its huge investment from the same crowd that flocked to see Son of God, has been relentlessly hyping the movie to preachers and churches. Unfortunately, that’s probably going to backfire because anybody who goes into Noah expecting to see a straight ahead adaptation of the story from the Bible is due for some serious shocks. Just ask poor Barbara Nicolosi over at Church of the Masses, she’ll tell you.

Of course, the flip side to Mrs. Nicolosi’s reaction are those who’ve invested quite a lot of time into the movie prior to its release. Peter Chattaway’s Film Chat blog, for one example, has pretty much been all Noah, all the time for a few weeks (if not months) now. I wonder if he’s having buyer’s remorse yet.

As for me, I’m sort of in the middle. As a biblical adaptation, Noah is certainly an utter failure, but as a weird little sci-fi flick with religious undertones, it’s not that bad really. And it’s not like everything in it is a complete fabrication. Even the ridiculous twelve foot tall multi-armed rock monsters have some basis in scripture, as Daniel McInerny points out over at Aleteia. Still, if you don’t want to spend any money on Noah out of principle, feel free to wait until it shows up on the SyFy channel as that’s where it’s undoubtedly headed.

I guess it all just goes to show that if you’re going to play around with the story of Noah, you should just stick to comedy. That approach worked for Cosby, after all.

PULP CATHOLICISM #061

If you can name the book that inspired this cartoon, kudos, you are a well read sci-fi fan. If by some impossible chance you recognize the code displayed on the screen and can interpret the message, congratulations, you are officially the Supreme Grand Nerd of the Internet. Take a bow.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #17 – HYSTERICAL

This week for Aleteia I toughed it out through Divergent, one of the silliest post-apocalyptic scenarios I’ve seen in a long time. Seriously, the future world of Zardoz made more sense than whatever is going on in Divergent. Sure, I’ll give them points for trying something different, but given the end result, perhaps they should have just stuck to something a little easier, like zombies maybe. You can do just about anything with zombies and have half a chance that it’ll turn out fine. Even impromptu dance numbers…

What is with zombies and ghouls always breaking out into a dance?  Well, Fr. John Hardon's Modern Catholic Dictionary tells us that “In itself dancing is perfectly licit. It may, however, become a source of evil either because of the way in which it is done or because it is an occasion of sin for some particular individual. In general, if dancing is not a proximate occasion of sin for the dancer, then it is permissible for him or her.”

Now, taking all of that into account, I’m pretty sure the dancers in this particular clip are okay because there’s nothing going on to arouse them. Well, not unless one of them has a secret fetish for the floating head of Julie Newmar, that is. Really, about the closest thing to evil in The Zomboogie is tough guy Clint Walker’s singing, and I don’t think that’s going to endanger anyone’s soul. Sanity, maybe, but not soul.

PULP CATHOLICISM #060

CUTAWAYS: HOT ROD HERMAN

My latest review over at Aleteia was for the latest video game adaptation to hit the big screen, Need For Speed. It’s probably the dumbest movie I’ve seen in theaters this year (and I’ve seen Pompeii), but I’ll admit, it’s got its fun parts as well. Still, if I’m must going to have to watch something with custom modified racing cars, I’d probably prefer it to be this…

The Munster Koach and Drag-u-la! Now those are some kustom kars I could go for. As it turns out, the Munster’s rides were built by the legendary George Barris and his crew, the same folks who cooked up other well known TV tanks such as the Green Hornet’s Black Beauty, Adam West’s Batmobile, & KITT from Nightrider, as well as notable B-Movie beaters such as The Car and Supervan.

Thinking about how iconic some of Barris’ designs are, it makes you wonder what he could do with something like the Popemobile. You know, there have been a lot of Popemobiles over the years, most of them made by Mercedes-Benz, starting in 1930 with a stretch version of the Nürburg 460…

…all the way to the current iteration, a modified M-Class SUV.

The latest version of the Popemobile is a true kustom kar, outfitted as it is with removable roofs, a throne-like backseat, a modified transmission designed especially for slow driving, full armor plating, and bullet-proof glass. With all that, I’m not really sure what Barris or any of the other kustomizers could do to improve the Popemobile. Maybe something like… well, tune in tomorrow and I might just have an idea or two.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #16 – JOURNEY TO THE SEVENTH PLANET

Okay, so when you see a one sheet that looks like this…

…and you watch a trailer that goes like this…

…there’s a better than average chance you’re going to expect Journey To The Seventh Planet to be a good old fashioned late 50s/early 60s sci-fi flick, one with stiff-necked heroes, toy spaceships, and dubious looking aliens. And you’d be right, Journey To The Seventh Planet is all of those things. What you might not expect is that once the credits begin to roll, this is what you’re going to get for a theme song…

Doesn’t really scream sci-fi epic does it? Of course, once you watch the whole movie, you’ll get it. After seventy-six minutes of rubber monsters, questionable green screen effects, and endless displays of 1950’s machismo (in other words, all that fun stuff you watch these films for), the film takes something of a bittersweet turn in the last sixty seconds as one character realizes he’s lost forever the woman of his dreams. Sure, the tune is undeniably hokey, but the sentiment still manages to work because we all know what’s it like to feel abandoned by someone we loved, whether it because the relationship didn’t work out for some reason had to end or simply because they just plain didn’t like us anymore and dumped us over the phone like a stinking coward (or so I’ve heard that such things happen from time to time, not that I would know from personal experience, so… let’s just move on).

Of course, we all know what to do when something like that happens, don’t we? Favorites include putting on a sad song (it’s scientifically proven to make you feel better) or watching a good tearjerker (ditto) while scarfing down some chocolate. But after that, Father Steven Jones over at Catholic Answers suggests that you need to discuss it with someone. “You need to talk. Tell your parents. Speak it! Go do a Holy Hour and tell Jesus. Find a Catholic Church that is usually empty during the day and go talk it to Jesus, in front of the Tabernacle, for one hour. He heals!… Just tell Him. God understands. Especially tell Him the parts you are ashamed of. Talk it through with Him, and He will bring you peace, and healing. But go to the Church. He is there, in that tabernacle. When you sit down there, let the tears come, and speak it out. You will feel His presence.”

Talking to God about your feelings in such a situation may seem strange, especially since in those moments it mat feel like there’s no God anyway, but keep in mind what season we’re in. One of the last things Jesus did while he was hanging on the cross was to cry out, “My God, my God, Why hast thou forsaken me?” In part, Jesus’ words represented a theological statement on his divine nature, referencing as they did the messianic tinged Psalm 22. But the fully human dimension of those words can’t be overlooked either. In that moment, with the weight of our sins on his shoulders, Jesus was allowed to feel as if God had deserted him, just as we often do in our worst moments. And if Jesus experienced that, then so too did God. That’s why, when that person we thought we would be with forever lets us down hard one day and then goes out with somebody new the very next day after (which, again, I’ve heard rumored has happened to some people), we should feel free to talk to God about it because He knows exactly what it’s like to feel abandoned. And that’s a strangely comforting thought.

PULP CATHOLICISM #059

SHORT FEATURE: THE MIGHTY HERCULES

For Aleteia last week I had the dubious pleasure of taking in 300: Rise of an Empire. Between that, Son of God and Pompeii, it feels like I’ve spent most of the last month sitting back in sword and sandal times. I haven’t been around this many people in togas since Latin club in high school. I don’t mind, though, as Greek & Roman myths were always a favorite of mine as a child. Maybe that’s why I developed a soft spot for The Mighty Hercules even though it’s generally considered one of the cheapest animated features to ever hit television. Take this episode, for instance, in which Herc tangles with a giant bug monster so sorry looking that Roger Corman wouldn’t even be caught dead using it (that’s a lie). And just for the heck of it, let’s watch it in glorious black and white, just like I first saw it…

How about that Daedalus, Sea Witch, and Mask of Vulcan, huh? No final impenitence on their part, was there? What’s that? Final impenitence? Oh, that’s just one of those old school Catholic phrases that refers to a person’s resisting of God’s grace all the way to their last breath. The Catechism tells us that “there are no limits to the mercy of God, but anyone who deliberately refuses to accept his mercy by repenting, rejects the forgiveness of his sins and the salvation offered by the Holy Spirit. Such hardness of heart can lead to final impenitence and eternal loss.” No such tragedy existed on the part of the three villains in this episode, however. Like an atheist in a foxhole, as soon as the giant bug turned their way, they were crying out for their god to save them with all their hearts. Oh well, anytime the call comes, it’s music to God’s ears.

Speaking of music, just in case you can’t live without it, here’s the show’s original opening theme sung by Johnny Nash, the same guy who would go on to record that perennial staple of oldies radio, I Can See Clearly Now. Go on, you know you want to hear it…

OUTTAKES #048

Just so you don’t have to ask, the stills are taken from the criminally out of print I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957).

PULP CATHOLICISM #058

THE B-LIST: 5 CATEGORIES THE OSCARS OVERLOOKED

Sure, I’m watching the Academy Awards. Since I’m an official movie reviewer these days (at least until Aleteia figures out they made a huge mistake), I feel like it kind of comes with the territory. Thank God the RiffTrax guys are watching it too, otherwise I don’t think I could make it through the whole thing. As you can probably guess, one of my problems with the show is that they tend to ignore the types of movies we watch around these parts on a daily basis. Well, let’s correct that, shall we? Here are awards in five categories that the Oscars overlooked this year.

BEST OLD SCHOOL CREATURE FEATURE YOU WOULD HAVE RENTED BASED SOLEY ON THE VHS COVER ART ALONE

FRANKENSTEIN'S ARMY

This was by no means the best low budget sci-fi/horror movie to come out in 2013, but Frankenstein’s Army absolutely had the most imaginative monster suits we’ve seen in a long time. This was the kind of movie you’d see on the cover of Fangoria and then haunt your local mom and pop video store until it came in. And then your ancient VCR would eat the tape. But that would be the next guy’s problem, because you were definitely gonna wind that thing back up and keep watching so you didn’t miss a minute of those cool monsters.

BEST DOCUMENTARY ABOUT A TOPIC WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SOCIO-POLITICAL IMPORTANCE WHATSOEVER

GLOW: THE STORY OF THE GORGEOUS LADIES OF WRESTLING

Truthfully, I didn’t watch G.L.O.W. a lot back in the day, but it was occasionally on in the background. Still, I could probably tick off a handful of the wrestler’s names if I had a chance to win a game show doing so. But for a enterprise that was basically a mash-up of the WWF, Hee Haw, and good girl art, this look back on the show’s heyday turns out to be surprisingly touching in parts. Plus it’s got body slams in it, so that helps too.

BEST ALTERNATIVE TO PAYING TO SEE GRAVITY

EUROPA REPORT

As I noted in the comments section of my review of Gravity, it’s a film you definitely want to see on the big screen. And I can say that with full confidence because I got to see it for free. Given that the majority of my readers are Catholic, I imagine it could be a bit of a monetary challenge for them and their 17 kids to go to the theater, especially if it’s to see a movie in IMAX. We’re talking second mortgage time. Because of that, let me recommend Europa Report, a fairly smart space disaster flick made for the same amount of money it probably cost to feed George Clooney’s ego. About the only dumb thing the movie did was try to come out the same year as Gravity.

BEST WORST GODLESS MOVIE

THE LORDS OF SALEM

Rob Zombie’s latest is probably his best movie to date. Of course, considering all his other movies were big ol’ piles of crap, feel free to take that any way you want to. Snarkiness aside, what Zombie actually does do well is channel the movies he loved growing up. In Lords of Salem, Zombie draws on such classic devil-flicks as Rosemary’s Baby, Ken Russell’s The Devils, and just about every movie made about Satan in Italy during the 1970s. Like those movies, The Lords of Salem presents a world in which the Devil is unstoppable and God is silent, if not plain dead. Does that make the movie evil? Only if it convinces you all that stuff is true.

BEST USE OF STEREOTYPES IN A LOW BUDGET HORROR MOVIE

GRABBERS

When bloodthirsty aliens invade an island off the coast of Ireland, it turns out there’s only one thing for the locals to do. Get drunk. No, seriously. The aliens won’t attack anyone with too much alcohol in their blood stream. Too bad they didn’t go after Salt Lake City, huh? You now, our parish once had a faith formation director fresh off the boat from Ireland who told me this joke: How can you tell if an Irishman has had too much to drink? If he falls down and can’t get back up, he’s only good for about one more. So, yeah, the drunken Irishman is a stereotype, but that’s who made the movie, so it kind of works. Basically, Grabbers is Tremors with barely understandable dialog, and there’s nothing wrong with that for those Saturday nights when SyFy isn’t showing anything new.

Well, the awards are nearing their end (please, God), so I think that’s all the categories I’ll do this time around. For all those folks who didn’t take home a statue this year (and for those who did, as well), just keep in mind what the Catechism says, “In every circumstance, each one of us should hope, with the grace of God, to persevere ‘to the end’ and to obtain the joy of heaven, as God's eternal reward.” Win that, and you won’t even think twice about those little hunks of gold.