THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 7: SEVEN by THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS

Back in 1979, a Canadian teacher and hymnologist by the name of Hugh D. McKellar published an article entitled "How to Decode the Twelve Days of Christmas." In it, he put forth the theory that the lyrics to the popular Christmas ditty were in fact a stealth catechetical tool designed to help Catholic children learn their faith during a time of religious opression in the 1500s. For instance, the seven swans a-swimming we sing about on this seventh day of Christmas were actually a mnemonic tool to help one recall the seven sacraments.

If that sounds like a bit of a stretch, that’s because it is. McKellar eventually admitted that he made the whole thing up. Still, it wasn’t really that far fetched an idea when you take into consideration the recurring use of particular numbers by the Biblical authors and the Early Church Fathers. The number seven and its multiples were a particular favorite throughout the years. Seven days of creation, seven years of feast and famine, seven seals and trumpets, seven sacraments, just oodles and oodles of sevens everywhere…

You just know the Pythagoreans would have loved that video. In their philosophy seven was a number of vast power, the number of all numbers, the number of the manifested universe itself. The Church Fathers, on the other hand, were careful never to assign any power to numbers themselves, even as they spent a lot of time delving into the significance behind the use of certain digits in Holy Scripture. As St. Ambrose noted in his letter to Horontianus, "The number seven is good, but we do not explain it after the doctrine of Pythagoras and the other philosophers, but rather according to the manifestation and division of the grace of the Spirit; for the prophet Isaias has enumerated the principal gifts of the Holy Spirit as seven."

Like other forms of divination, numerology is ultimately frowned upon by the Church. As explained in the Catechism, “all forms of divination are to be rejected” as they represent “a desire for power over time, history, and, in the last analysis, other human beings.” In short, it’s okay to use numbers to try and explain aspects of God, but never to try and play God. Do that and you’re bound to get in trouble. Count on it.

Oh, don’t you groan. You knew very well I was going to end it that way.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 6: THE HOFF SINGS STILLE NACHT

While I’m sure some of you (okay, one or two) enjoyed our little foray into the Star Wars Christmas Album yesterday, I realize that a number of my readers have more traditional leanings and would probably appreciate hearing one of the classic carols. Well, you can’t get more classic than Silent Night, which is so beloved that the recording of the tune by Bing Crosby still stands as the third best selling single of all time, barely trailing behind Crosby’s own White Christmas and Elton John’s Candle in the Wind 1997 (no, really). Bing’s version is so popular that… we’re not going to play it here. C’mon, this is The B-Movie Catechism. From us, you get The Hoff...

 …and in the original language even. The only way that could have been better is if he had been singing it while driving KITT into the ocean to save a drowning Santa from a sharknado.

Still, he nailed the German. Silent Night, as you probably know, is an Austrian composition with lyrics by Father Joseph Mohr and music by church organist Franz Xaver Gruber. In a letter written by Gruber, the melodist explains how the carol came to be:

“On December 24th in the year 1818 the curate of the newly erected parish-church St. Nicola of Oberndorf, Mr. Joseph Mohr handed over a poem to the deputy organist, Franz Gruber (at that time also teacher at Arnsdorf) with the request to compose a suitable melody for two solo voices with choir and the accompaniment of one guitar. The latter handed his simple composition over to the musically trained clergyman as requested – an exact copy of the original is attached hereto – his composition was produced immediately on Christmas Eve with great applause.”

Yep, you read that right; the melody for the most beloved Christmas carol of all time was knocked out in a few hours and composed with the (gasp) guitar in mind. Don’t freak out though, my traditionally minded friends, guitar parts in those baroque days were typically written as continuo instruments, ones which played a sort of improvised harmony on top of the bass line. They were almost never the lead instrument. So, breathe a sigh of relief and sleep in heavenly peace secure in the knowledge that Silent Night was not written for guitar masses.

PULP CATHOLICISM #153

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 5: WHAT DO YOU GET A WOOKIE FOR CHRISTMAS

Every year around this time, somebody (usually me) inevitably tortures you with The Star Wars Holiday Special. Strangely, though, no one ever seems to do the same with the Star Wars Christmas Album. Let’s rectify that situation, shall we…

Why exactly would Luke need a scarf on Tatooine? And can you imagine Han Solo ever wearing a pair of ear muffs? Oh well, who knows, maybe someone found out they would be headed to the ice planet of Hoth soon. On the other hand, giving love and understanding to Wookies of good will like Chewbacca, well, that sounds perfectly reasonable. You’re unlikely to get your arm ripped out with a gift like that.

Whatever presents we choose to put under the tree, Pope Benedict XVI reminds us, “Christmas gifts [should] remind us of the most perfect gift that the Son of God gave us of himself in the Incarnation… Christmas is the day in which God has given himself to human persons and this gift is made perfect, so to speak, in the Eucharist.” The nice thing is, if you do look at it in the way His Holiness suggests, then every single mass is basically Christmastime all over again. Minus the trees and the eggnog and the George Lucas approved Christmas music of course, but still, that’s a pretty good deal.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 4: A CHRISTMAS DREAM

Hey, kids, I hope you Santa brought you lots of toys and goodies this Christmas. Keep in mind, though, just because you got loads of shiny new stuff under the tree, that doesn’t mean you should just toss out all of your old things.  Do so, and who knows what might happen…

That’s right, Santa might just show up, slide down your psychic chimney straight into your dreams, and force you to have nightmarish visions full of dancing sugarplums and creepy dolls with souless eyes until you get the point and learn to be thankful for everything you have, old and new.

Oh well, at least ol’ Kris Kringle makes sure his message is clear. Alas, figuring out the meaning of some dreams is not so easy. Speaking on the subject, Fr. John Hardon's Modern Catholic Dictionary notes…

“There is some value in dream interpretation, in as much as human science may derive from dream analysis some useful data for the treatment and healing of sick individuals, especially those afflicted with some psychological abnormality or disease… On the other hand, to believe in one's own dreams or those related by others as foretelling future events is a sin of superstition. The exceptional cases where dreams are of supernatural origin are to be judged on their own merits. All evidence from Scripture and the lives of the saints indicates that when God makes use of dreams as an extraordinary means of communication he also makes sure the person realizes where the dream originated. The standard rules for discernment of spirits are to be applied in case of doubt whether a dream is of supernatural origin.”

So the next time you dream of some horrifying sock puppet pleading for its life, don’t just immediately assume it’s a message from on high. Unless you get some kind of solid spiritual confirmation, chances are it really is just a vision brought on by an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, or a fragment of underdone potato.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 3: A DATE WITH YOUR FAMILY

The last Sunday of the year is usually given over to celebrating the Feast of the Holy Family. That’s a pretty impressive title isn’t it, “Holy Family.” I bet they had to go on a lot of family dates to earn that moniker…

Or maybe not.

Actually, according to Pope Francis, there are three main habits a family must develop in order to mirror the holy one of Jesus, Mary & Joseph. They are…

Prayer: “The husband for his wife, the wife for her husband, both together for their children, the children for their grandparents… praying for each other. This is what it means to pray in the family and it is what makes the family strong: prayer.”

Faith: “How do we keep our faith as a family? Do we keep it for ourselves, in our families, as a personal treasure like a bank account, or are we able to share it by our witness, by our acceptance of others, by our openness?… Christian families are missionary families. …They are missionary in everyday life, in their doing everyday things, as they bring to everything the salt and the leaven of faith!”

Joy: “True joy comes from a profound harmony between persons, something which we all feel in our hearts and which makes us experience the beauty of togetherness, of mutual support along life’s journey. But the basis of this feeling of deep joy is the presence of God, the presence of God in the family and his love, which is welcoming, merciful, and respectful towards all.”

So… prayer, faith and joy. According to Pope Francis, those are the three keys to start your family on the path to holiness. Rigidly controlled dinnertimes are apparently optional.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 2: DEATH AT CHRISTMAS

What with Christmas being all about the birth of Jesus, it’s normally not the time one thinks of the ol' Grim Reaper is it? Santa certainly seems to have forgotten about him.

You know, it’s fine that we don’t think a lot about death on Christmas Day. After all, that’s what the day AFTER Christmas is for. That's when we celebrate the Feast of Saint Stephen. Pope Benedict XVI explained it best in his 2006 Angelus Message…

At first glance, to join the memory of the "protomartyr" and the birth of the Redeemer might seem surprising because of the contrast between the peace and joy of Bethlehem and the tragedy of St. Stephen, stoned in Jerusalem during the first persecution against the nascent Church.

In reality, this apparent opposition is surmounted if we analyze in greater depth the mystery of Christmas. The Child Jesus, lying in the cave, is the only-begotten Son of God who became man. He will save humanity by dying on the cross.

Now we see Him in swaddling clothes in the manger; after His crucifixion, He will again be wrapped in bandages and placed in the sepulcher. It is no accident that the Christmas iconography sometimes represents the divine newborn Child lying in a small sarcophagus, to indicate that the Redeemer was born to die, He was born to give His life in ransom for all.

St. Stephen was the first to follow in the steps of Christ with martyrdom: like the divine Master, he died forgiving and praying for his executioners (cf. Acts 7:60). During the first four centuries of Christianity all the saints venerated by the Church were martyrs.
They are a countless multitude, which the liturgy calls "the white army of martyrs," (martyrum candidatus exercitus). Their death was not a reason for fear and sadness, but of spiritual enthusiasm, which always gave rise to new Christians. For believers, the day of death, and even more so, the day of martyrdom, is not the end of everything, but rather the "passage" to immortal life, it is the day of the final birth, the "dies natalis." Thus is understood the link that exists between the "dies natalis" of Christ and the "dies natalis" of St. Stephen. If Jesus had not been born on earth, men would not have been able to be born for heaven. Precisely because Christ was born, we are able to be "reborn."

Christmas. Dropping an anvil on the head of death since the very first one.

THE TWELVLE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 1: CHRISTMAS NIGHT

Hey, I’m all for helping the homeless, but I draw the line at taking a bath with them…

Questionable bathing choices aside, you gotta admit The Little King’s heart was definitely in the right place. But that’s just how he rolled. Don Markstein's Toonopedia describes the character this way: “The Little King (who qualified for his adjective only vertically — he was quite large in the waist) was monarch of all he surveyed, but took a down-to-earth attitude toward the fact. He made his own trips to the palace mailbox, sat behind his throne to eat lunch from a workman's pail, and even did occasional household chores. He was undignified enough to slide down banisters, and took obvious delight in the fact that nobody could tell him not to.” Plus, as we witnessed, if he saw a couple of homeless guys in the street, he wasted no time getting them a meal, a bath, and a decent bed to sleep in.

You know who would of liked The Little King? Pope Francis. Speaking of the birth of another little king in his recent Christmas homily, Pope Francis had this to say about how we should conduct ourselves as Christians:

“This Child teaches us what is truly essential in our lives. He was born into the poverty of this world; there was no room in the inn for him and his family. He found shelter and support in a stable and was laid in a manger for animals. And yet, from this nothingness, the light of God's glory shines forth… In a society so often intoxicated by consumerism and hedonism, wealth and extravagance, appearances and narcissism, this Child calls us to act soberly, in other words, in a way that is simple, balanced, consistent, capable of seeing and doing what is essential. In a world which all too often is merciless to the sinner and lenient to the sin, we need to cultivate a strong sense of justice, to discern and to do God's will. Amid a culture of indifference which not infrequently turns ruthless, our style of life should instead be devout, filled with empathy, compassion and mercy, drawn daily from the wellspring of prayer.”

So, while it doesn’t necessarily mean we should jump in a tub with a couple of strangers we just met on the street, the birth of Christ should still inspire us to to radical acts of charity and compassion. We should all keep a Little King inside of us each and every day.

THE B-LIST: TOP 5 STAR WARS MEMORIES

Merry Christmas Eve everyone! Now, I'm sure there are some of you (heretics) out there who have had just about enough of Star Wars by now. Not me, though. I've been having so much fun with all the hype that I'm going to squeeze at least one more post out of it. Of course, a big part of my enjoyment has stemmed from the fact that I'm one of those old enough to have been there since the beginning, which means I've got almost forty years worth of memories associated with this particular film series. So, in a shameless steal from the Film Vault Podcast, I thought I would take the time and share my top five personal recollections that revolve around Star Wars.

“Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh… everything’s perfectly all right now."

What kid didn't want Star Wars action figures back in 1977/1978; I know I did. Alas, we weren't exactly what you would call a well-to-do family, so my parents had to tell me up front they couldn't afford to buy me any (the memory of my mother's expression as she explained that still makes me hurt for her). What they did manage to scrounge up, though, was a cassette copy of the film's score. Sure, I was disappointed at first, I was still a kid after all. But over the next few months, that tape became one of my most cherished possessions. Not only did it allow me to relive every scene of the film in my head (no VCRs in those days), but more importantly, it sparked a lifelong love of music of all kinds. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only kid to learn what a leitmotif was thanks to John Williams. Suffice to say, that relationship with music still carries me through hard times to this very day. It's like God and The Rolling Stones have always said, you can't always get what you want, but sometimes you get what you need.

“The circle is now complete.”

Turns out, though, I wasn't the only one who remembered those early Christmases. Years later as I was entering college, along with all the practical presents, my mother slipped a couple of Star Wars action figures into my Christmas stocking. Better late than never, she said, even if I was too old to actually play with them. Or so she thought. Decades later, with perhaps a little lump in my throat, I passed those very same figures into the hands of my own son and you can rest assured we've shared many an adventure with them since. If that sounds like I'm a grown man playing with action figures, then just remember that it was G. K. Chesterton who said that imagination is the most essential element in education. So I'm not playing, I'm educating.

"You've taken your first step into a larger world."

That being said, I've never forced Star Wars on my children. I didn't buy them stuffed Wookies for their cribs or Yoda blankets for their first beds. Naturally, I took my daughter to opening day when The Phantom Menace came out, but it didn't really capture her imagination like the Harry Potter films would a couple of years later. My son also remained mostly unaware of that galaxy far, far away for the longest time, with the Lord of the Rings movies more than satisfying his appetite for fantasy. But right around his tenth Christmas, one of the cable channels was running a marathon of the original trilogy and my wife left it on in the background. During dinner, I could see him continuously shooting furtive glances to the television in the living room until finally he asked, "Who's that gold robot guy and what's his problem?" Over the next few hours I sat back and watched as he slowly got hooked. Within a week, my DVDs of the originals were firmly locked in his grasp and he was spending his birthday money to buy the prequels (which he loved, by the way). Sometimes, you just can't do anything but wait and hope your kids find their way.

“Would it help if I got out and pushed?!!”

When I think about it, waiting has always been part of the Star Wars experience for me. For example, when The Empire Strikes Back came out, I was up first thing in the morning clamoring to be dropped off at the theater. It was doubly important that I get their as early as possible because, not only was it the first showing and no way was I missing that, but also because the first 100 people in line would receive a free one-sheet sized poster. Imagine the sinking feeling in my stomach when, having arrived at least two hours before showtime, I discovered the line was already stretched as far as the eye could see. Let me tell you, it was a wretched feeling watching that box full of posters slowly dwindle as I inched closer and closer to the door. But miracle of miracles, with only two posters left, I made it to the door. Really, it was just like Heaven; who cares how far down the list my name is, as long as I get the prize when I reach the entrance.

“You do have your moments. Not many, but you have them.”

So, yeah, me and Star Wars go way back. And now a new episode is here and it's been a blast. It's a rare occasion these days when the whole family gets to go to the movies together, mostly because you're almost required to take out a loan in order to do so. But each of us have our own individual attachment to Star Wars, so we bit the bullet and bought tickets for opening night. I have to say, just to be able to let my son experience the thrill of seeing those mythical words appear on the big screen and watch the opening crawl begin to the strains of John Williams oh-so-familar fanfare was probably worth the price of the tickets all by itself. Fortunately, the rest of the movie was pretty good too. You know, in the end, there are really only a few things a parent can give their child that has any lasting value. Love and faith top that list, of course, but a few good memories, those can be pretty important too.

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you get to make some lasting memories of your own this year, Star Wars or otherwise.

PULP CATHOLICISM #152

OUTTAKES #055

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU: THE FORCE AWAKENS EDITION

With no press screenings in Atlanta (which my family had forbidden me from attending without them anyway), I had no choice but to join the online battle for tickets to The Force Awakens. After an hour or so of furiously hitting refresh on the Fandango site, I finally managed to snag seats for opening evening. To bide my time until then, I reworked an old blog post on The Star Wars Holiday Special, and then reworked it again with a couple of thousand less words for Aleteia. Finally, though, the night arrived and you can read my spoiler-free review which is also up at Aleteia.

By design, my articles for Aleteia are brief, and I'm chomping at the bit to say more once everyone has a had a chance to see it. Until then, though, there is no shortage of other reviews out there to tide you over.

First up is the inevitable Steven D. Greydanus review at the National Catholic Register wherein he, naturally, didn't like it quite as much as everyone else. Like many, including T. Martin, he criticizes the similarity in structure between The Force Awakens and A New Hope. I understand this criticism, but honestly, I'm starting to dismiss it the more and more I hear it. Much like the Bible, I find one of the reasons Star Wars works is exactly because it tells the same fundamental story over and over again with each new generation facing the choice to choose the light side or the dark.

Catholic Skywalker is a bit more enthusiastic, although he feels the new film is a little less operatic than its predecessors, while Fr. Dennis gives The Force Awakens his dependable 3 stars, being particularly impressed with John Williams' score, though more for its callbacks to the older films than for its new elements. I think both of these criticisms are valid, though I wonder if these things may be purposeful as The Force Awakens is so obviously a transitional movie and the new characters are just beginning to earn their operatic moments.

Speaking of the new characters, Jimmy Akin has devised a chart (of course he did) detailing how the new faces parallel and evoke the old ones.

I'm sure there will be more Catholic reviews in the days to come as more folks get out to see the film, but this should be plenty to read for now. A final word of warning, however, avoid the Catholic News Service review at all costs unless you want major plot points spoiled. Boo on them.

PULP CATHOLICISM #151

SHORT FEATURE: RICHARD PRYOR’S STAR WARS BAR

Recently NBC attempted to reboot the weekly variety show with Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris to... ahem, less than stellar critical reception. I guess there's just something about those bygone airwaves of the late 70s/early 80s which simply can't be recaptured. Some would say it's the no-budget production values, while others would credit the second and third-tier guest stars. Me, I think what modern variety shows are missing is more Star Wars.

You know what I'm talking about. We've already experienced in previous posts how the dubious mixture of song and dance and light sabers made for some unforgettable television. There was that French Star Wars dance thing, the Donnie & Marie Star Wars send-up and, of course, The Star Wars Holiday Special itself. (Hey, I said they were unforgettable, I didn't say they were any good.) One of my favorites, though, would have to be the Star Wars Bar skit from The Richard Pryor Show.

How can top that combination of actual costumes from the movie and one of the funniest men to ever take the stage? And Pryor's reaction to the customer that looks like Satan? Priceless.

And who knows, maybe that reaction wasn't all acting. Having been raised in a brothel, it's probably not very surprising that Pryor wasn't too keen on religion in his younger days, going so far as to record a pretty scathing anti-religious routine on his 1971 album, Craps (After Hours). Stop by just about any atheist site and you're bound to run across his famous line from that recording which claims "the reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit." However, when this Star Wars Bar skit showed up in 1977, it might have been the first sign that the comedian wasn't so skeptical of religion after all. This became even more apparent after he set himself on fire in 1980 and, in typical Pryor fashion, made it a part of his routine to openly thank God for not burning his penis off. And by the time he was crippled with multiple sclerosis in the late 80s, Pryor was freely admitting to the New York Times that, yes, he did indeed believe in God. So, sorry atheists, looks like you lost another one.

Hey, I'm not saying Richard Pryor passed away a Saint, but then again, most of us don't. It's like David Bohr notes in his book, Catholic Moral Tradition, conversion can sometimes be "marked by an abrupt, powerful religious experience which turns one's life in a totally new direction," but more often than not, it can be "a very long, slow, and laborious process." Just ask St. Augustine, it took him 30 years of toying with the idea of religion before he caved in and started taking the whole thing seriously. Some people just need more time than others. Fortunately for us all, time is one thing God has plenty of to spare.

DIRECTOR’S COMMENTARY: THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL

A moderately long time ago on a blog not so far, far away (okay, it was this one) I took one for the team and reviewed the Star Wars Holiday Special. Well, since Advent is upon us and we’re just under a week away from The Force Awakens hitting theaters, it seemed like a good time to revisit that old review, updating it a bit to address some of the changes made to the Star Wars universe since Disney took over.

THE PLOT

It’s Life Day, the most important holiday on the Wookiee’s home planet of Kashyyyk, but Chewbacca, on the run from the Empire since helping the rebellion blow up the Death Star, hasn’t made it home yet. Chewie’s family (wife Malla, father Itchy, and son Lumpy) wait in quiet desperation for his return while doing their best to avoid the incriminating questions of the imperial storm troopers who have invaded their home searching for clues of the rebel’s whereabouts. With the aid of local trader Saun Dann, the Wookie family manage to sneak a few calls to Chewie’s pals Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia while keeping the Empire goons distracted with various entertaining gadgets. After some narrow escapes from stock footage imperial star destroyers, Han and Chewie finally arrive at the house where Han is forced to knock a trooper off a flight of stairs to his death. (Don’t worry about your young impressionable kids, the trooper swung first.) Saun Dann provides a convenient cover story which allows everybody, including the just arrived Luke, Leia and the droids, to join with Chewbacca’s family in the celebration of Life Day.

THE POINT

I’m about to say something so heretical, so sacrilegious, so potentially blasphemous, that it may mean my excommunication from the ranks of sci-fi geekdom forever. But I have no choice. You see, I have watched the Star Wars Holiday Special and what I have to say is this… I really and truly wish with all my heart that George Lucas had written this show.

I know, I know, please forgive me. I know George is the guy who wrote dialog the likes of "Hold me, Anakin! Hold me like you did by the lake at Naboo!", thereby assuring a pair of potentially tragic Shakesperian-type lovers would be forever viewed simply as a couple of twits. I know he’s the guy who actually wrote the word “YIPPIE!” for his child actor to yell out, thereby assuring anyone over the age of five would want to bludgeon the poor kid to death. And yes, I know he’s the guy who wrote every grotesque word that came out Jar Jar Binks’ mouth thereby insuring a major character in the Star Wars universe would always be seen as a mentally handicapped Rastafarian wannabe. I know Lucas is the guy who wrote ALL OF THAT… and yet, still, I wish he had written The Star Wars Holiday Special. Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen.

I’m willing to take this unholy stance because, even though Lucas’ own literary lapses are legendary, I can’t remember a time he’s ever, I repeat EVER, written anything as mindbendingly screwy as some of the stuff in The Star Wars Holiday Special (And, yes,  I’m counting Captain EO). Now to be honest, Filmfax magazine does claim that Lucas was somewhat involved in the first rough draft of the script. But having little interest in an idea forced on him by 20th Century Fox, Ol’ George made the decision to leave everything beyond that point in the capable hands of Smith-Hemion Productions. And that’s probably where everything went straight to hell because, alas, Smith-Hemion was not a company known for its writing. What Smith-Hemion WAS known for was producing shows like the Tony Awards. Have you ever listened to the jokes on one of those things and wondered who in the name of all that’s holy wrote them and thought they were remotely funny? Well, it was these guys.

Which at least explains a good chunk of what’s wrong with The Star Wars Holiday Special. For those fortunate few of you who have never seen it, let me explain. What the nice people at Smith-Hemion Productions did was take George’s outline and twist it to fit their own special niche. The show quickly morphed from Lucas’ vague concept of “a sweet and sentimental vision of a holiday season" into a full blown 1970s style variety show complete with aging yet familiar television faces like Art Carney, pedestrian comedy skits, and dinner theater style musical performances. The end result of it all was… well, not exactly what Star Wars fans were hoping for. In a May 2002 interview with Maxim magazine, Lucas briefly commented on the special. “Right. That's one of those things that happened” he said, “and I just have to live with it.” Of course, by living with it he means sealing it up inside a vault never to be seen again (ahem, at least not through any normal channels).

But rather than try to bury The Star Wars Holiday Special (as Lucas has attempted to do), maybe we should try to praise it just a bit instead. For one thing, even though it wasn’t the “sequel” we were waiting on, the show was still the fix we were all jonesing for that brisk November of 1978. After all, Star Wars had finally ended its astonishing 44 week theatrical run in March and it would be another year and a half before The Empire Strikes Back hit the big screen. We faithful were starting to feel a tinge of desperation to see our favorite rebels again and The Special at least gave us that. There was Luke Skywalker (whose recent injuries from a car accident required him to wear more makeup than a roomful of transvestites at a Tammy Faye Baker lookalike contest), there was Han Solo (a mortally embarrassed looking Harrison Ford who used to pretend this show never happened until Conan O’Brien ambushed him one night with some found footage), there was Princess Leia (well on her way by this time to a much publicized alcohol and cocaine addiction), and there were even all of the lovable supporting characters like C3PO, R2D2 and, of course, Chewbacca (all just happy to have a gig in between films). Say what you will, but at least all the original actors were there, walking around… and saying things… annnnd singing.

Okay, in fairness, Carrie Fisher was the only Star Wars cast member forced to sing. And its not like there isn’t precedent for such a thing. Hobbits and kings alike break into song all of the time in those Lord of the Rings stories, so why not Princess Leia? (Sigh.) Because in the ancient fantasy world of Middle Earth it just doesn’t seem out of place for people to communicate tales of heroic struggle and loss through song. In the Star Wars universe, however, it… it… in the Star Wars universe, the freakin’ fugitive Princess of Alderaan and de facto leader of the rebel alliance doesn’t just spontaneously burst into song because she’s overcome with emotion while attending a holiday wing-ding thrown by a bunch of overgrown lhasa apsos, okay! She just doesn’t! And almost nothing that happens in The Star Wars Holiday Special has any business being near Star Wars either. An interminably long Cirque De Soleil type performance by The Wazzan Troupe in the Wookiee’s living room. No. A post-Maude Bea Arthur singing a cabaret tune to a bunch of aliens at the Mos Eisley cantina. No. An imperial guard completely and utterly mesmerized by a Jefferson Starship video. No. Harvey Corman playing four different roles, including a multi-armed Julia Childs type chef named Gormaanda. No, no, no, and no. Chewie’s dad Itchy lustfully leering at Diahann Carroll as she sings and (blecch) comes on to him. NOOOOOO!!! (As Luke would soon say.) I have to believe, as goofy as some of the things George Lucas has personally written over the years may be (I’m looking at you midochlorians), even he wouldn’t have put some of this crapola down on paper.

Now amidst all that dreck, there are a couple of redeeming moments. The Nelvana produced cartoon which introduces the character of Boba Fett was actually pretty cool (despite such artistic choices as Han Solo’s nightmarishly elongated face), the art direction was still top notch (the Wookiee architecture actually resurfaced in Episode III), and it was kind of neat to get a recipe for Wookiee-ookies (released soon after in The Star Wars Cookbook: Wookiee Cookies and Other Galactic Recipes). But in the end there just wasn’t enough good stuff to counterbalance the overriding wrongness of the whole production.  After this debacle is it any wonder Lucas became such a stickler for protecting his franchise (at least from everyone but himself). Having already waived his fee as director in lieu of owning the licensing rights to Star Wars, Lucas took special care to procure all rights to The Holiday Special back from CBS and lock it away in that aforementioned vault. From there, as we previously discussed way back in our review of Final Exam: The Novelization, Lucas Licensing developed a continuity tracking database dubbed The Holocron designed to keep track of what was and what wasn’t “Star Wars Canon”.

Basically, the Holocron worked like this. It consisted of four tiers (G, C, S, & N) with varying levels of authority based on their relationship to and distance from the films. Besides the movies themselves, G-Canon included novelizations and radio plays based on their scripts, as well as any statement George Lucas personally made. The second level, C-Canon, included books, comics, and video games which expanded the universe beyond the movies, but didn’t have any blatant contradictions. On a lower level, S-Canon included stories and games which were out of continuity, but may still have included non-contradicting elements from the higher levels. Imaginary stories and fanfiction populated N-Canon and were given no credence whatsoever. (Which means, mercifully, that video of Star Wars: The Empire Brokeback that showed up on YouTube DID NOT COUNT as canon.) Sue Rostoni of Lucas Licensing is quoted as saying, "Our goal is to present a continuous and unified history of the Star Wars galaxy, insofar as that history does not conflict with, or undermine the meaning of Mr. Lucas's Star Wars saga of films and screenplays." Of course it would have been extremely helpful if Mr. Lucas hadn’t re-edited his blasted movies every time ILM invented a new CG program, but for the most part The Holocron system seemed to accomplish pretty much what they wanted it to.

Until Disney took over, that is.

Once Lucas sold them the rights to Star Wars, Disney charged in like a bunch of mouse-eared Martin Luthers and declared there was going to be some substantial changes to the official canon. Under the Disney Reformation, everything produced pre-Disney except for the six movies and the Clone Wars cartoon was now deemed apocrypha (or “Legends” to use Disney’s term). In addition, anything added henceforth (books, comics, whatever) would be considered new canon, even if it contradicted what had come before. So, gone were beloved story lines such as the Thrawn trilogy, Luke’s relationship with Mara Jade, and generations of Skywalkers struggling with the force, and in were Rebels, Darth Vader Comics (which you really should be reading), and whatever J. J. Abrams has in store for us. Needless to say, a large number of lifelong fans were understandably upset that most of what they had believed about the Star Wars universe was now relegated to the status of fan fiction.

It’s a bummer to be sure, but that’s what happens when you take canon away from the ones who created it and put it in the hands of someone else. Just ask the original Lutherans. While they were mostly okay with their founder booting seven books from the Christian Old Testament, even they had to cry shenanigans when he turned his attention to the New Testament and began questioning the worth of Hebrews, James, Jude, and Revelation. To be fair, some Catholics before Luther had done the same thing, but fortunately the Church had safeguards in place for just such problems. As the Catechism notes, “It was by the apostolic Tradition that the Church discerned which writings are to be included in the list of the sacred books… [Holy] Tradition transmits in its entirety the Word of God which has been entrusted to the apostles by Christ the Lord and the Holy Spirit. It transmits it to the successors of the apostles so that, enlightened by the Spirit of truth, they may faithfully preserve, expound and spread it abroad by their preaching.” What they can’t do, though, is ever change it. Not even the Pope himself can ever do that.

Alas, there is no such like charism at work in the Star Wars universe. Pretty much whoever owns the copyright can change or invent anything they want to on a whim. The problem with that, of course, is that the more you add or change, the more potential there is for error to creep in. How do I know that for sure? Well, you tell me, is there any other way to view Jar Jar Binks than as a vile canonical error? I didn’t think so.

THE STINGER

By the way, Mr. Lucas, for all of your hand-wringing and bemoaning over the Star Wars Holiday Special and your promise to never officially release it to the public again, how do you justify your actions two years later in 1980 when you officially sanctioned THIS?

Way to safeguard your “canon”, George. Oh well, I guess it’s not your problem anymore. Happy Life Day everybody. Whatever that means.

PULP CATHOLICISM #150

PULP CATHOLICISM #149