THE TWILIGHT BINGE #004: THE SIXTEEN MILLIMETER SHRINE

 

S01E04 - The Sixteen-Millimeter Shrine

"Barbara Jean Trenton (Ida Lupino) is an actress past her prime, a once-brilliant star who sequesters herself in her private screening room where she can relive the flickering moments of a fleeting fame played out on the silver screen. Watching her old films drives her deeper into another world...a world beyond space and time...one step away from The Twilight Zone."

Back in September 2015, Forbes ran an article with the rather eye-catching headline, “At Age 32, Is Anne Hathaway Already Too Old To Be A Movie Star?” During the interview, the Academy Award winning actress lamented, “When I was in my early twenties, parts would be written for women in their fifties and I would get them. And now I’m in my early thirties and I’m like, ‘Why did that 24 year old get that part?’” Hathaway’s basic premise was that women in Hollywood have a relatively short shelf life and once they reach a certain age, it pretty much over. Apparently, it’s an old sentiment, going back at least to 1950 and the release of Sunset Boulevard, the classic tale of an aging silent film star who slowly goes mad while trying to stage a comeback.

There can be no doubt Rod Serling had Sunset Boulevard on his mind while scripting The Sixteen Millimeter Shrine as he went so far as to secure that film’s composer, Franz Waxman, to handle the music for the episode. And of course, there are the similarities in the main character of Barbara Jean Trenton, a retired actress who spends her days locked up in her mansion, drinking and watching her old films. This is The Twilight Zone, though, so the story begins to veer into the strange when Barabara actually receives an offer from her former studio to appear in a film. The catch is that hers would not be the role of the romantic lead, but rather the supporting one of the lead’s mother. Too vain to let go of her past glories, Barabara refuses to play the role and chooses instead to immerse herself (literally) inside her fantasy world. 

I wonder if Russell Crowe ever saw The Sixteen Millimeter Shrine, because it sure sounds like it in an interview he gave where he said, “I think you'll find that the woman who is saying that [the roles have dried up] is the woman who at 40, 45, 48, still wants to play the ingénue, and can't understand why she's not being cast as the 21 year-old… Meryl Streep will give you 10,000 examples and arguments as to why that's bulls***, so will Helen Mirren, or whoever it happens to be… If you are willing to live in your own skin, you can work as an actor. If you are trying to pretend that you're still the young buck when you're my age, it just doesn't work.”

Alas, some folks just never look past the external, even those who should know better. Pope Francis noted this very thing in a 2014 homily when he said…

”How many Christians live for appearances? Their life seems like a soap bubble. The soap bubble is beautiful, with all its colours! But it lasts only a second, and then what? Even when we look at some funeral monuments, we feel it’s vanity, because the truth is returning to the bare earth, as the Servant of God Paul VI said. The bare earth awaits us, this is our final truth. In the meantime, do I boast or do I do something? Do I do good? Do I seek God? Do I pray? Substantial things. And vanity is a liar, a fantasist, it deceives itself, it deceives the vain, because in the beginning he pretends to be [something], but in the end he really believes himself to be that, he believes. He believes it. Poor thing!”

Hmm, I wonder if the Pope saw this episode as well?

PULP CATHOLICISM #157

THE B-LIST: COMICS THAT WILL NEVER BE MADE INTO MOVIES #04: SPIDER-MAN: ONE MORE DAY (2008)

After perusing the first three entries in this nearly forgotten list of comics that will never be made into movies, it dawned on me that it’s so far been comprised of nothing but DC Comics from the late 60s/early 70s. Well, there’s an easy way to rectify that situation. Ladies and gentleman, may I introduce to you one of the most reviled storylines in modern comics, nay, in all of comics… Spider-Man: One More Day.

First, a little back story. One More Day was published on the heels of Civil War, the company-wide crossover event that pitted all of Marvel’s superheroes against each other in a frre-for-all over whether or not they should be forced to reveal their secret identities and accept government oversite (Yes, this was the same story that inspired the soon to be released film, Captain America: Civil War). With every hero forced to pick a side, Spider-Man throws in with Iron Man’s pro-registration side and reveals to the world that he is Peter Parker. Seeing this as an opportunity to harm his old foe, the imprisoned Kingpin sends a hitman to kill Parker’s wife, Mary Jane. Spidey manages to pull MJ out of the way just in time, but his Aunt May, who was standing right behind her, isn’t so lucky.

And that’s where One More Day begins, with poor old Aunt May dying in a hospital bed (again) and Peter desperate to find a way to save her (again). He first beats the crap out of Tony Stark in an effort to convince the Armored Avenger to help with the medical costs, but since Peter flipped sides in the Civil War after May was shot, Tony refuses to cough up any dough. Stark does eventually filter two million dollars to Peter through his butler Jarvis, but the doctors inform them it doesn’t matter because May is beyond the help of medicine anyway. Shaken but undeterred, Peter decides to call on some of his other super friends for a solution.

His first stop is at the sanctum santorum of Doctor Strange because, well, magic. Sadly, the Sorceror Supreme who has in the past altered the very fabric of reality and fought the living embodiment of the universe to a standstill, explains that even his talents have their limits. He can, however, use his magic to allow Peter to instantaneously consult with every genius on the planet, even Doctor Doom, in the hopes of finding a way to save Aunt May. Unfortunately, the answer is the same everywhere. No dice. Even when Peter activates a time travel spell while Strange is distracted, he finds he cannot alter history. May, it seems, is destined to die.

On his way back to the hospital to be with May during her final hours, Peter experiences a succession of odd philosophical discussions, first with a little red headed girl who claims to have the solution to all his problems, and then with a series of strangely familiar middle-aged men who tell Peter how much they wish they could have been like him instead of going down the path they chose. Finally, a confused Spidey bumps into a mysterious woman in red who explains that the men were all alternate versions of Peter Parkers who never became Spider-Man. Then, before a befuddled Peter can figure out what’s going on, the woman reveals herself to be Mephisto, one of the multiple versions of the devil running around the Marvel universe.

Mephisto offers to both save Aunt May and make the world forget Peter Parker is Spider-Man, but at a cost. However, the cost is not Spider-Man’s soul, as you might expect, but something else. What Mephisto wants is to erase Peter and Mary Jane’s marriage, make it as if it never happened, something he can only do with their consent. “You will not consciously remember this bargain.” Mephisto tells the couple, “But there will be a very small part your soul that will remember, that will know what you lost. And my joy will be in listening to that part of your soul screaming throughout eternity.”

And so, here it comes. The moment that lierally made thousands of Spider-Man fans rise to their feet and scream “@#$% you, Marvel Comics!” After a whole issue of hand-wringing, Peter and Mary Jane make a deal with the devil because neither of them believes Peter is strong enough to continue on with the knowledge that his decision to reveal his identity led to his Aunt’s death. True to his word, Mephisto begins to weave his spell as the midnight hour arrives, but there’s a catch. Right as the change begins to take affect, Mephisto reveals to the couple that the little red headed girl Peter met earlier was the child who will never exist now that her parents were never married. It’s a really dick move, but hey, he is the devil.

As the final bell tolls, Peter and Mary Jane declare their eternal love and vow that one day, devil or no devil, they will find each other again. And then Peter wakes up, heads downstairs to where his Aunt May is making breakfast, and then rushes off to a welcome home party for his mysteriously alive pal Harry Osborne. There, he catches a glimpse of a bitter Mary Jane (we later learn it’s because she’s distraught over engagement falling apart) as she enters an elevator to exit his life. The End.

 

Now, you might be wondering just who the heck thought the whole notion of a superhero making a deal with the devil was a good idea. That would be Marvel Comics editor-in-chief Joe Quesada, who had always considered Pete and MJ’s marriage to be the worst thing to ever happen to the character. In his opinion, which he claimed was backed up by sales figures, it made Spider-Man completely unrelatable to the majority of comic readers. Now, I have no doubt that at least some portion of comic readers probably could relate better to a thirtysomething year old slacker living in his elderly aunt’s house, but Marvel was already publishing a comic for them with Ultimate Spider-Man, a title which told tales of an unwed teenaged Peter Parker. Really, it just came down to the fact that Quesada thought stories with married heroes were dull and assumed nobody else was interested in marriages either.

Except for the devil apparently. Quesada stated that he believed Mephisto was an appropriate choice for a deus ex machina because it would show a powerful villain taking advantage of a beloved hero at his weakest moment. Just about everybody else on the planet, on the other hand, thought the idea of Spidey bargaining with Satan was was the epitome of stupid. Series writer J. Michael Straczynski (of Babylon 5 fame) even publicly threatened to take his name off the story despite the fact that he was an avowed atheist. Even a non-believer like Straczynski understood the concept that while a hero might occasionally have to do something he normally wouldn’t, as in killing an enemy to save millions of lives (yeah, I’m still defending Man of Steel), he wouldn’t make a deal with God’s main nemesis just to avoid feeling bad. @#$% you, Marvel Comics!

So, yeah, the very idiocy of the premise and the damage it does to the moral character of Spider-Man is one of the main reasons this story will never find itself adapted to the big screen. But there’s also another, one that might not be so obvious at first. You see, as much as it pains me to admit it, Quesada was right about one thing. If you were going to choose to do a story in which a bad guy’s main goal was to wreck a marriage, Mephisto really was the perfect villain for it. And that’s because Satan does, in fact, hate the sacrament of marriage and would do whatever is in his power to destroy it.

As the Catechism reminds us, when a man and woman enters into a sacramental marriage, “their mutual love becomes an image of the absolute and unfailing love with which God loves man.” Of course the devil would hate such a thing. And Straczynski, whose work on Babylon 5 showed him to be no stranger to religion despite his own non-belief, understands this. So, when questioned by Peter and MJ about what he has to gain from the deal, Staczynski has Mephisto respond thusly…

“It is because yours is the rarest love of all. Pure, unconditional, and made holy in the eyes of he who I hate most. A love like yours comes about but once in a millenia and to take that away from him… to deny him… is a victory like none other imaginable.”

Ouch. Pretty much gets right to the point, doesn’t it? And that’s why, In a nation where the divorce rate is hovering at 50% and the government is doing its best to remove all traces of religion from the sacrament, there’s no way in hell a major studio is going to release a comic book movie that implies by wrecking marriage we’re doing the devil’s work for him.

THE TWILIGHT BINGE #003: MR. DENTON ON DOOMSDAY

S01E03 - Mr. Denton on Doomsday

"Town drunk Al Denton (Dan Duryea), once a feared gunslinger but now an object of pity and scorn is forced to draw against a sadistic bully (Martin Landau). A glance from mysterious peddler Mr. Fate (Malcolm Atterbury) allows Denton to get off two miraculous shots, saving his life. Now a town hero, Denton regains his self-respect and swears off liquor. But soon, the routine that drove him to the bottle in the first place begins again -Denton is challenged to a shootout by a young hotshot (Doug McClure). Practicing, Denton finds his ability with a gun is long gone, In desperation, he turns to Fate for more magic. What Fate provides might just save Debton from a bullet...or it might do much, much more.."

A quick perusal of Wikipedia indicates there were at least 26 oaters (TV series set in the old west) airing on prime time American television during the year 1959. They ranged from the biggies like Bonanza and Gunsmoke to cult faves such as Maverick and Bat Masterton to the quickly forgotten like Sugarfoot and The Man From Blackhawk. And the proliferation of oaters wasn’t just because people liked watching tough guys on horses shoot at each other. As Stephen Kiss, Sr. Librarian for the New York Public Library system, mused, “Early TV western series helped define America as a nation. Westerns sought to teach the good values of honesty and integrity, of hard work, of racial tolerance, of determination to succeed, and of justice for all. They were, in a sense, modern morality plays where heroes, strong, reliable, clear-headed and decent, fought their adversaries in the name of justice. At the show's end, moral lessons had been taught and learned.”

Given all that, it shouldn’t be any surprise to find that the third episode of The Twilight Zone, which aired in October 1959, would feature an old west setting. Of course, this being The Twilight Zone, it’s not just another horse opera. Sure, it has the requisite gunslingers (including an oily Martin Landau and future B-movie demigod Doug McClure) calling each other out in saloons. But it also has two things going for it that most of its contemporaries didn’t. First is Serling’s writing style, which really began to hit its lyrical stride with this episode. Just listen to his intro for the main character…

“Portrait of a town drunk named Al Denton. This is a man who's begun his dying early—a long agonizing route through a maze of bottles. Al Denton, who would probably give an arm or a leg or a part of his soul to have another chance, to be able to rise up and shake the dirt from his body and the bad dreams that infest his consciousness.”

They’d probably laugh that kind of stuff off the TV if it was written today, but for my tastes, it’s still a joy to the ears.

The second thing the episode has in its favor is the twist near the end of the story, a narrative technique which Serling would soon become ackowledged as a master of in the grand tradition of O. Henry. Twist endings, when done correctly, can cause an audience to reevaluate everything that’s come before and see the whole story in a new light. In this instance, the twist comes in the form of two small bottles handed out by Mr. Fate which take the tragedy the tale was inevitably headed towards and turns it into one of second chances. “Fate can work that way...in the Twilight Zone." Serling declares at the end.

It can work that way in the real word, as well. As explained by St. Thomas Aquinas, while God, who exists outside of time, may have foreknowlege of everything that is gong to happen, He does not will everything to happen, instead allowing us the free choice of our own actions within linear time. Fate, from a Catholic view, is never absolute. As Mr. Denton discovers in this episode, as long as one draws breath, there is always the opportunity for a second chance.

Twilight Tidbits: The first TV series Serling would script after the demise of The Twilight Zone was actually a western by the name of The Loner starring Lloyd Bridges. Sadly, it lasted only one season, with TV Guide declaring that while the show was “obviously intended to be a realistic, adult Western… [it was] either too real for a public grown used to the unreal Western or too adult for juvenile Easterners.” I wonder how it would do today?

THE TWILIGHT BINGE #002: ONE FOR THE ANGELS

 

S01E02 - One For The Angels

“Lew Bookman (Ed Wynn) is an unremarkable, sixtyish salesman who works the city streets. Life passes without incident, until one July afternoon when Mr. Death informs him that he is to die at midnight. Faced with the problem of finding a replacement for his elusive subject, Death arranges for little Maggie, a neighborhood child, to die in a traffic accident. Bookman, now determined to save the girl, has no choice but to confront Mr. Death and deliver the toughest sales pitch of his career”

The Twilight Zones’ second episode marks the series’ first foray into fantasy rather than pure speculative fiction, but I would imagine only the most unfeeling of sci-fi fans would complain. With this story of a good natured saleman trying to con his way into just a wee bit more time before death claims him, Serling proved he was capable of warming hearts just as quickly as he could chill spines. You know, thanks to his legendary status in the annals of sci-fi, it’s easy to forget Sterling was an Emmy Award winning writer of dramas before he created The Twlight Zone. Episodes like this one, however, are a quick reminder that one of the reasons for the success of the series was Serling’s ability to script recognizably real people who found themselves in fantastic situations.

On that front, Lew Bookman is probably one of the most endearing characters to ever stumble into The Twilight Zone, thanks in no small part to Ed Wynn’s charming performance. From his gentleness with children to his good-natured attempts to outwit Mr. Death to his ultimate act of self-sacrafice, he’s the portrait of a decent fellow. That’s why, when Mr. Death smiles and informs the old man that his final destination is "Up there, Mr. Bookman. You made it.", all we can think is, “Well, of course he did.”

As much as Serling’s ability to tug at the heartstrings, it’s probably also surprising to some just how often traditional Judaeo-Christian concepts such as “up there” permeated his writing on The Twilight Zone. But the fact is, Serling was a Jew born on Christmas Day who eventually drifted into Unitarianism. So, even though he developed some strong secular humanistic notions over the years, God was never completely absent from his mind or his pen. As Marc Scott Zicree explained in The Twilight Zone Companion, “Virtually all the better episodes had running through them a sense of cosmic justice, of people getting their just desserts, often with a full helping of irony. The fantastic element that was the Twilight Zone was there for a reason: if the main character was a rotter, it would give him his comeuppance; if he was a decent sort it would give him a second chance, a magical opportunity to set his life right ... A moral code was being applied.” And the show was all that much the better for it.

Twilight Tidbits: Genre fans will immediately spot the cameo by Robby The Robot as one of the toys Bookman sells to the kids.

PULP CATHOLICISM #156

THE TWILIGHT BINGE #001: WHERE IS EVERYBODY

Next month we’ll celebrate our ninth anniversary here at the B-Movie Catechism (yeah, can you believe they’ve let us get away with this for almost a decade now). Anyway, it seemed appropriate to do something special for our tenth year, and since binge watching is all the craze these days, we thought we’d give it the old college try around these parts. However, if we’re going to spend that much time in front of the boob tube, then whatever show we choose needs to be something worth the effort. With that in mind, you’re invited to join us every other day or three (or whatever, you know how we are) for however long it takes as we binge on dimensions of sight and sound and the very mind itself by watching every episode ever of… The Twilight Zone.

S01E01 - Where Is Everybody

“Mike Ferris (Earl Holliman) finds himself walking into a town utterly devoid of people, with no memory of who he is or how he got there, the only clue to his identity being the Air Force jumpsuit he's wearing. Thus began the first episode of The Twilight Zone, the pilot, the half-hour that sold the series”

All in all, this tale of an amnesiac airman who finds hmself all alone in the world is a fairly safe start for Rod Serling’s brilliant little brainchild. It’s sophisticated enough to separate the show from kiddie fare like Captain Video and literate enough to distinguish itself from previous prime time efforts such as Science Fiction Theater, yet there’s nothing in it so offbeat that it would scare off potential advertisers. That last bit was pretty important because, at that time, adult science fiction was considered something of an oxymoron by the people footing the bills for broadcast television. So even though Serling was a much sought after screenwriter, his treatment for the series’ pilot still needed to be light on any sci-fi elements and steer clear of the twist endings and social commentary that would soon become staples of the show.

Fortunately for us all, Serling was able to give potential backers for The Twilight Zone exactly what they needed to see to greenlight the show while still producing something worth watching. As sci-fi legend Charles Beaumont would note in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science-Fiction soon after the show’s debut, while he found the central mystery of the isolated, lonely astronaut to be pretty standard fare, “there was one element in the story which kept me from my customary bitterness. The element was quality… It shone in the dialogue and in the scene set-ups. And because of this, the story seemed fresh and new and powerful.”

And besides, even though it wasn’t chock full of sci-fi, it’s not like the story was lacking in depth. The theme of coping with loneliness which permeates the episode is one Serling would return to multiple times over the course of the series, and one which is still prescient if the recent success of The Martian is any indication. As Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted noted, “The ache of loneliness has haunted human beings from the time of Adam and Eve’s expulsion from Eden. It has become particularly acute in modern societies where individualism is rampant and where the acquisition of things is exalted… The antidote to loneliness lies in stretching beyond our own little world and reaching out in faith to the living God… No one but God can calm our restlessness. Nothing created can still the longings of the heart. To deal successfully with feelings of being isolated and all alone, we have to reach out to what is greater than our selves. We need to believe in God and to experience His love. This call extends to us all; it is hidden within our loneliness.”

Okay, so The Twilight Zone’s debut didn’t actually point towards that solution, but it did make viewers contemplate the problem, and that’s a far cry from had come before in televised sci-fi. The series was off to a very good start.

Twilight Tidbits: Be sure to keep an eye out for the town square the astronaut wanders into as it would show up in lots of places over the years including films such as Gremlins and the Back To The Future series.

THE MEDUSA VS. THE SON OF HERCULES

 THE PLOT

“A retelling of the legend of Perseus and the Medusa, in which the hero is defending the besieged kingdom of Seriphos. Its people are near starvation, under siege by the army of Argus on one side, a huge dragon on another side, and the hideous Medusa on another. The king is about to give his daughter, Andromeda (Anna Ranalli), to the evil Galinor, king of Argus, as a bride for his son, in order to open up a route for trade. Perseus (Richard Harrison), the son of the murdered king of Argus, vows to avenge his father's death, stop the usurper Galinor's subjugation of Seriphos, and free both kingdoms. To do this, he must slay the dragon and then destroy the Medusa, which will restore her victims -- Seriphos' best soldiers -- who have been transformed into stone in her valley, to flesh-and-blood, so that they can defeat the army of Argus. First, however, he must defeat the evil son of Galinor in a tournament and win the trust of Andromeda's father.” – AllMovie Guide 

THE POINT

We don’t get a whole lot of gladiator movies in theaters these days, do we? Sure, there’s the occasional big budget flop like Pompeii, but that’s nothing compared to how it used to be. Back in 1958, after the international success of Hercules starring Steve Reeves, sword and sandal movies, a.k.a. peplums, became all the rage. In Italy alone, between the years 1960 and 1965, at least 130 peplums were cranked out and dumped into theaters. To put that into perspective, that amounted to one-seventh of the country’s total film output. That’s a whole lot of oiled-up guys in togas.

Which, by the way, is what caused the films came to be known as peplums in the first place. The togas, that is, not the oiled-up guys. Originally a word used to refer to an actual style of colorful dresses worn by women, peplum came to be applied to gladiator films by film critics who saw the genre as an offshoot of the historical costume dramas which had been popular in Italy since the silent movie days. What set peplums apart from their predecessors, however, was a very noticeable focus on beefcake. And it wasn’t just because people liked ogling oiled up pecs, though I suppose that didn’t hurt with certain audiences. As Louis Bayman noted in his book, Popular Italian Cinema, “The peplum foregrounded the muscular male body as an instrument of self-reliance, liberation, and moral authority. This celebration of male physical strength struck a chord with both Italian and international audiences, not least because the peplum reaffirmed the worth of individual male power – and potency – at a time when radical social, economic, and political transformation, in Italy and elsewhere, was generating a sense of instability and corresponding anxiety.” So, the peplums possibly served a sociological function beyond just providing some visceral thrills.

But whatever the reason, peplums were super popular, as were their heroes, many of whom appeared in multiple standalone films. Including Reeves’ seminal outing, there were a total of 19 Hercules movies made in Italy in the late 50s and early 60s. These were joined by 5 films featuring Samson, 8 starring Goliath, and 9 with Ursus as the lead. The undisputed champion, though, was Maciste, one of the longest running characters in Italian cinema. In addition to his already impressive 24 silent films, Maciste went on to appear in 25 more movies during the peplum craze.

The only thing was, monikers like Maciste weren’t very meaningful to audiences in the U.S., so when it came time to redub peplums for American consumption, names were often changed to something with a bit more brand recognition. That’s why, when Embassy Pictures put together a package of 14 peplums for syndication on American television, they decided to tie all of them to Hercules. The problem was, if they renamed all of the characters Hercules, they would have to pay to redub the films a second time, which would sort of defeat the point of buying a bunch of cheapo peplums to begin with. Their solution was simplicity itself, just insert a narration identifying the main character in each film as one of Hercules’ kids. It didn’t even matter how many there were because everybody knows how those Greek gods got around. And so, The Sons of Hercules, complete with a catchy theme song, made its debut.

The Medusa Vs. The Son of Hercules, as noted above, is really just another take on the legend of Perseus, the most famous version of which was, of course, Ray Harryhausen’s Clash Of The Titans. Well, Harryhausen this ain’t. Still, the early work by special effects wizard Carlo Rambaldi (Close Encounters, E.T.) featured in this flick has its own low budget charms. In fact, Rambaldi’s Medusa, which eshews the traditional serpent-haired femme fatale in favor of a one-eyed tree-like creature with floppy snake branches, is downright creepy the first time it appears lumbering out of the fog. On the other hand, the life sized, nearly immobile dragon our hero has to fight… not so much. It’s still fun whenever it shows up, though. Add these creatures to the other changes in the story, such as the trap-laden tournament of champions Perseus partakes in, and the whole affair is a fairly enjoyable way to kill some time.

Be that as it may, The Medusa Vs. The Son of Hercules is still the story of Perseus who, as anyone who ever browsed Bullfinch as a child can tell you, was only connected to Hercules by the fact that they were both illegimate offspring of Zeus (you know how those Greek gods got around). I suppose they could have called the show The Half-Brothers of Hercules, but then the theme song probably wouldn’t have been as catchy. Embassy adroitly sidestepped this obstacle by having its opening narration explain that not all of the “sons” of Hercules were actually sired by the big guy. Rather, the demigod declared them his sons in name and spirit due to their dedication to upholding Herc’s heroic virtues. Basically, if you were willing to go out and fight hideous bone-crunching flesh-rending monsters, you stood a pretty good chance of becoming a son of Hercules.

Fortunately, we don’t have quite the same requirements to become sons and daughters of our God. As noted in The Council of Trent’s Sixth Session Decree on Justification, God allows us the opportunity to pass “from that state wherein man is born a child of the first Adam, to the state of grace, and of the adoption of the sons of God, through the second Adam, Jesus Christ, our Saviour. And this translation, since the promulgation of the Gospel, cannot be effected, without the laver of regeneration, or the desire thereof, as it is written; unless a man be born again of water and the Holy Ghost, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of God.” Or to put it less technically, anyone who has been baptized, either physically or through the desire of their heart, is a child of God. Period.

And not only is becoming a child of God a bit easier than becoming a son of Hercules, the benefits are a little bit better as well. As the Catechism tells us, “as an ‘adopted son’ he can henceforth call God ‘Father,’ in union with the only Son. He receives the life of the Spirit who breathes charity into him and who forms the Church.” So while the sons of Hercules first had to demonstrate such virtues as self-reliance, liberation, and moral authority before being named his children, our God actually claims us as his own children first and then “breathes” into us the power necessary to attain such virtues. Monster fighting and wearing togas optional. Overall that’s a pretty good deal.

THE STINGER

Oddly enough, while the moster fighting and togas are optional for God’s children, the oiling up isn’t. Ancient athletes often rubbed oil onto their bodies under the belief that it kept muscles limber and protected the skin from the elements. Likewise, during baptism, the priest annoints those about to receive the sacrament with The Oil of Catechumens as a form of exorcism to help break the hold of the evil one and to strengthen the spirit. Lovers of weird analogies rejoice!

PULP CATHOLICISM #155

OUTTAKES #056

PULP CATHOLICISM #154

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 12: FRANKENSTEIN VS. SANTA

And so another 12 Days of Christmas comes to an end, and yet, technically Christmas isn’t quite yet over as Ordinary Time doesn’t officially begin until the Monday after the Feast of the Baptism of the Lord. We’re kind of floating in a weird time when it’s not really one season or the other…

But hey, why choose? As we mentioned a few days ago, whenever and wherever there’s a mass, there’s Christmas. And let’s face it, around these parts, it’s pretty much always Halloween. Most important, though, is the simple fact that God is always present, right here and right now, no matter what time of the year it is.

So, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Groovy Ordinary Time (we don’t really have a traditional way of wishing someone a good Ordinary Time, do we), and peace be with you all. Hope to see you all around this year.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 11: CAROL OF THE BRAINS

Dig into the origins of Carol of the Bells and you'll find that the original lyrics actually didn’t have anything to do with bells at all, or Christmas for that matter. Based on a Ukranian folk tale, they told the story of a swallow flying into a home in order to announce what a glorious new year the family was about to have. It wasn’t until 1936 that lyricist and orchestral arranger Peter J. Wilhousky changed the lyrics to the popular Christmas-centric ones we know today. Since then, there have been at least three other versions released with slightly modified lyrics, though none have caught on as well as Wilhousky’s. Maybe this one will…

Yeah, maybe we should just stick with the one we know.

The funny thing is, although Wilhousky changed the lyrics to match the season, Carol of the Bells still doesn’t explicitly mention anything at all about the religious origins of Christmas. Even so, it’s not much of a stretch to assume that the titular bells which are bringing such good cheer are the same ones which once rang out from steeples to call the faithful to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. They could even be the small bells many parishes still ring throughout the Gloria during that particular liturgy. The old Catholic Encyclopedia actually lends a bit of credence to that latter notion as it purports that the introduction of bells during the liturgy was actually for the benefit of those outside the church and not those within…

“From the introduction of the Elevation of the Host in the Mass at the beginning of the thirteenth century it seems to have been customary to ring one of the great bells of the church, at any rate during the principal Mass, at the moment when the Sacred Host was raised on high. This was to give warning to the people at work in the fields in order that they might momentarily kneel down and make an act of adoration. It seems, however, not improbable that in England the big bell was not commonly rung but that a small hand-bell was used for the purpose. This was taken to a small window (low side window) ordinarily closed by a shutter, thrust through the aperture and rung outside the church.”

You know, maybe it’s time more parishes brought back the ringing of church bells. If the church buildng itself is supposed to be a physical statement on the presence of God in the community, wouldn’t it be a nice thing to provide it with a voice as well?

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 10: HONEST TRAILERS: JUPITER ASCENDING

I don’t watch a lot of the Honest Trailers series on YouTube because I normally prefer to provide my own snark for the movies I watch. But when I saw that they were taking on Jupiter Ascending, hands down one of the goofest movies to come out in 2015, I just couldn’t resist…

Actually, the funniest part of the whole thing is when they simply restate the convoluted plot of the film with no embellishment. Watching Jupiter Ascending, you could tell the Wachowski’s really, really wanted to write their very own version of Dune except, you know, with dog-eared guys on roller skates instead of worm-riding warriors. Never has so silly a film been so chock full of labyrinthine world-building.

Hey, if you’d like to hear an elaborate take on on our solar system’s largest planet, but with 100% less toilet-cleaning space princesses, then you might want to take the time on this tenth day of Christmas as we preemptively celebrate The Epiphany to track down and read astronomer Mark Thompson’s theory that the Star of Bethlehem was, in fact, the planet Jupiter. It’s a pretty cool theory that takes into acocunt planetary positions, astrological beliefs during biblical times, and the illusory effects of retrograde motion. If his theory is correct, it would even pretty much nail down the year of Jesus’ birth.

All that’s nice, of course, because it would demontrate that yet one more thing in the Bible was an actual historical event and not just metaphor. And yet that wouldn’t stop the Star from having theological significance as well. As Father Scott Carl, assistant professor of Sacred Scripture at St. Paul Seminary School of Divinity, explained in an interview with The Catholic Spirit:

“First, Matthew tells us that the Magi have seen ‘his star at its rising’ (Matthew 2:2). His readers would have made a connection to the promise made to Abraham that his descendents would be like the stars of heaven (Genesis 15:5; 22:17); Jesus is one of these descendents who surely stands out. Second, Numbers 24:17 says that ‘a star shall advance from Jacob.’ This verse was seen as a prophecy about the Messiah who was to come. Jesus, being a descendent of Abraham, thus, comes from the line of Jacob, and so the star of Bethlehem fulfills this Old Testament prophecy. Third, the fact that the Magi, astrologers from the East, seeing the star, come looking for the newborn king shows that the Gospel message is not just for those of Jesus’ race but for all people. The star, therefore, helps to communicate the universal significance to Jesus’ birth.”

Not bad for a story without Channing Tatum in eyeliner, huh?

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 9: THE HOBBY

It has been said that a person without a hobby is a much to be pitied individual. Of course, the taking up a hobby doesn’t necessarily guarantee the pity should stop…

Yow! It would appear St. Basil The Great, one of the Saints whom we honor on this 9th day of Christmas, was right on the nose when he famously warned, “Leisure without the fear of God is, for those who do not know how to use time, the teacher of wickedness.”

Along with being quotable, Basil was also something of a joker. He made that oft-repeated statement near the end of  homliy in which he was brow-beating certain members of the congregation for their gambling habit. Knowing that many of them were itching for mass to end so they could rush out to the dice tables, Basil stretched out his homily a bit. Finally, as the pewsitters began to get really fidgety, he got in one last jab. “Perhaps, some profit will be found in what I have said;” the future Saint speculated, “but, if not, at least, because you have been kept occupied here, you have not sinned. Therefore, to detain you longer is to withdraw you for a longer time for evils.”

Say, that’s a pretty good strategy isn’t it, making mass longer to keep folks from sinning? Or, you know, at least it was back in the days when even the gambling addicts were respectful unough to wait until mass was actually over before bolting for the door.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS–DAY 8: MOTHER

If a mother is doing all the things a mother is called on to do throughout any given day, then odds are she’s doing way too much…

Yeah, it’s safe to say a good mother earns her fair share of love and respect. Take Mary, for instance. She carried the incarnate God in her womb and provided all of the genetic material for his body. She cared for him as a child and guided him as a young man at the start of his ministry. She was there for Jesus at the end of his earthly life and for his followers at the beginning of his Church. And now Mary resides in Heaven and intercedes on behalf of anyone who asks her to. Yep, I’d say she’s due for more than just a nice card. That’s why the Church is quick to shower as much honor on the mother of Christ as it can on the first day of each year.

Ginny Kubitz Moyer, author of Mary and Me: Catholic Women Reflect on the Mother of God, had this to say about the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God:

“The use of the word ‘Solemnity’ here is not a statement about Mary’s personality. It is a designation used for certain days within the liturgical (church-based) calendar of the Church. Solemnities are the highest rank of liturgical celebration, higher than feast days or memorials. By celebrating a solemnity dedicated to Mary’s motherhood, the Church highlights the significance of her part in the life of Jesus, and emphasizes that he is both human and divine.”

See, it’s about Mary, but’s it’s really about her child. Which is the way it is with all good moms when you really stop and think about it.