THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 7: KAIJU CHRISTMAS

Some things have to be posted simply because they exist. Such is the case with the Kaiju Christmas song...

Yeah, I have no idea what he's saying. Fortunately, we live in the Internet era, so it doesn't take much effort to look up a translation for the lyrics listed in the liner notes. Here's one courtesy of MyKaiju.

Go-Go-Gojira Santa Claus! Looking good with a red hat

Full of gifts! With Minilla too! Look! Look! Hear the sound of bells!

La la la la la la! A present!

With a white beard and shaking smile

La la la la la la! A ringing bell!

Everyone sing, Christmas!

Mo-Mo-Mothra is a flying bird! Coming from a distant land!
(Line not translated)

La la la la la la! A present!

The monsters' hearts are bouncing

La la la la la la! A ringing Bell!

Snow is falling! Christmas! Snow is falling! Christmas!

Hmm, that seems a little sketchy in places. There's even one line they either overlooked or couldn't figure out. Maybe we should give Google Translate a shot at it.

Go-Go-Gojira! Santa's red hat suits you well

Souvenirs filled with Minilla The sound of a bell that can hear this

La la la la la la! A present!

White beard also shakes

La la la la la la! A ringing bell!

Let's sing together every Christmas

Mo-Mo-Mothra is a flying bird from a distant country

Dance with your hands tightly and sad tears blown away

La la la la la la! A present!

The hearts of monsters also bounce

La la la la la la! A ringing Bell!

Christmas falling snowing Christmas falling snowing Christmas!

Alrighty then. Either way, it doesn't look like we're getting it absolutely right. And this is translating something from a language that over 125 million people use every single day. No wonder we're constantly seeing new translations of the Bible coming out. After all, the Scriptures were written in ancient Hebrew, Aramaic, and Koine Greek, none of which are in common use anymore. It's a miracle we can piece together decent modern translations at all, much less agree on what the original authors were trying to say. If only there had been put in place some final authority to settle matters when disputes over the Bible arose. Oh, wait...

NOT THE LAST ARGUMENT ABOUT THE LAST JEDI: MY RESPONSE TO BISHOP ROBERT BARRON'S REVIEW

WARNING: This piece contains spoilers for The Last Jedi.

Image nabbed from YouTube

Bishop Robert Barron is a theological expert, intellectual giant, and heir apparent to the Catholic media crown of Venerable Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen. He is not someone I care to disagree with, certainly not publicly. That being said, I have to sort of, kind of take issue with his review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. His article is well worth reading in its entirety, but his general conclusion can be summed up in this excerpt...

"The mythic and archetypal dimensions are all but overwhelmed by an aggressively feminist ideology. The overriding preoccupation of the makers of the most recent Star Wars seems to be, not the hero’s spiritual journey, but the elevation of the all-conquering female. Every male character in The Last Jedi is either bumbling, incompetent, arrogant, or morally compromised; and every female character is wise, good, prudent, and courageous."

Yeah, let's talk about that. To begin with, I'm not going to contest the existence in Hollywood of a mindset that would like nothing more than to do away with any portrayal of what it sees as "toxic masculinity." My own parish priest once told me over dinner that he believes it started with Alan Alda's character in M.A.S.H. and he would brook no argument otherwise :) Whether or not that's actually when it began, it's a fact that such an anti-male movement is at work in some corners of Tinseltown. Not every corner, but some.

I'm also not going to argue that Bishop Barron shouldn't have interpreted the movie in the way he did. A film is a collaborative work of art, and each person viewing it may construe what they saw differently. That's how art works. So, if it's His Excellency's takeaway that The Last Jedi was a feminist screed, so be it. What I am going to do, though, is give a couple of reasons why I disagree with such an interpretation.

Reason one is that Star Wars: The Last Jedi is not a stand-alone film. If it existed in a vacuum, I might be more sympathetic to the Bishop's read. However, Star Wars has been around for forty years, and during that time I've seen plenty of guys save the universe. In fact, if you take all of the characters into account, the franchise has been something of a sausage party. Luke, Han, Chewbacca, Lando, Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon, Mace, Yoda; they've all had their time in the spotlight. So the ladies get to shine in a couple of films while the guys play second banana. Big deal. Nothing Rey does takes away from what all the men did before her. And it won't take away from all the men who come later. Star Wars is going to be around for awhile, probably longer than I will. I'm sure another man or two will get to be the main hero at some point.

Speaking of Rey, that brings us to my other reason. While many who watched The Force Awakens pegged her as something of an insufferable Mary Sue, The Last Jedi actually explains Rey's seeming invincibility. Hint, it's not because she's a girl. Perhaps this is the part where the good Bishop fell asleep, as he admits to doing, but at one point Snoke reveals that as Kylo Ren grew to power in the Dark Side, the Force itself chose someone to bring to prominence in the Light. Why exactly it chose Rey isn't given, but absolutely nowhere is it hinted it's because she is female. By all appearances, she's simply the right person in the right place that the Force can use to accomplish what needs to be done, as long as she's open to it.

As a Christian, I kind of like that. It's actually nice that Rey is a nobody, as the movie goes to great pains to point out again and again. She's just a girl from humble origins whom the guiding force in the Star Wars universe has chosen to bestow its graces. There are plenty of times in the past two films in which Rey is about to have her butt handed to her, but then she surrenders to the Force in a kind of "let it be done unto me" sort of way, and the Force sees her through. It's nothing inherent in her gender that makes Rey so powerful, it's the Force working through her. There's a good Christian lesson in there for both women and men alike if they want to think about it.

I could go on, but I've blathered on enough to make my point. While I can understand Bishop Barron's take on The Last Jedi, I just can't agree with it. But that's always been part of the fun of being into movies. You watch'em, you argue about'em, then you start over again with the next one. And considering how much money The Last Jedi is raking in, there will definitely be a next one. And a next one after that. Happy arguing, everyone!

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 6: A STRANGER THINGS CHRISTMAS

Of course I watch Stranger Things. Was there ever any doubt? I am, after all, the poster boy for the show's demographic. And, yes, I still watch A Charlie Brown Christmas every year. It remains a thing of singular beauty in an increasingly ugly world. So, when I saw there was a mix-up of the two, well, all I could say is... sign me up!

I have to admit, Thirteen has a point. Eggos are pretty much the answer to a lot of problems. Sure, there are the rare instances when the golden goodness of a waffle just isn't enough, and when those moments arise, it is good to have someone around who really loves you to help you get through it all. Still, waffles are pretty darn good.

You know, like almost everything else in the modern world, the Catholic Church had a hand in the creation of waffles. The ancient Greeks are the ones who first started roasting thin cakes between two heated pans, but it wasn't until the Church got involved that their popularity really took off. Called oublies, medieval waffles were basically over-sized communion wafers (unconsecrated, of course). Made from the same ingredients as hosts, these grilled goodies were often decorated with religious imagery and served after meals as a form of symbolic blessing.

Eventually, the Church gave permission for people to make their own oublies, and that's when butter, cream, and spices began being introduced into the recipe. Non-Church oublies, or wafels as they came to be known, also didn't need to be unleavened, so they began to get a bit thicker. And then the Dutch got involved in the 15th Century, started using square pans, and voilà... Eggos. Okay, so it actually took a little bit more time to reach Thirteen's favorite frozen food, but the basics were there.

So, the next time you're overcome by greed and gluttony and feel the compulsion to shout "Leggo my Eggo!", maybe you should consider the waffle's holy origin and decide to share instead. That's what a friend would do.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 5: HARDROCK, COCO AND JOE

Most depictions of Santa's annual Christmas Eve delivery show the old fella making his rounds all by himself. When you think about it, though, that's a twenty-four hour trip. Unless Santa is pounding down Red Bull the whole time, he probably needs an occasional hand with the driving. That's where Hardrock and Coco come in. Oh, and Joe, I guess...

Joe. What a loser. Even the lyrics don't pretend he has any use whatsoever. Santa loves hims, though, so he gets to come along for the ride.

It's kind of like the way God loves us, no matter if we're 'useful' or not. As Pope Francis noted, "This is precisely what the prophetic ministry of Jesus consists of: announcing that no human condition can constitute grounds for exclusion from the heart of the Father, and that the only privilege in the eyes of God is that of not being privileged, of being abandoned into his hands."

That's certainly good news for those of us who aren't out there doing the heavy work when it comes to the faith. We can't all be priests or nuns or ministry leaders or whatever. Some of us just do silly things like watching bad movies and trying to find something good and true in them. Some of us are Joe. And God let's us come along anyway, cause he loves us so.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 4: SANTA CLAUS VS. SATAN

Well, yesterday's match-up between Santa and the Frankenstein Monster turned out okay in the end. But that was just a warm-up. Now, thanks to some weird fever dream writer/director René Cardona had back in 1959, Santa has to go up against Ol' Scratch himself...

Hopefully, the first thing everyone learned from this clip is that you should really invest in some sort of home security system, otherwise just about anyone will be able to waltz in anytime they feel like it. Given who might take advantage of the opportunity of an open door, a good home blessing with holy water and salt might not be a bad idea either.

The second thing to be learned from this clip is... Satan isn't always the brightest person in the room. As C. S, Lewis wrote in his rather lengthy preface to Paradise Lost (seriously, it's as long as some books), "What the Satanic predicament consists in is made clear... by Satan himself. On his own showing he is suffering from a 'sense of injur'd merit.' This is a well known state of mind which we can all study in domestic animals, children, film-stars, politicians, minor poets; and perhaps nearer home... What we see in Satan is the horrible co-existence of a subtle and incessant intellectual activity with an incapacity to understand anything. This doom he has brought upon himself; in order to avoid seeing one thing he has, almost voluntarily, incapacitated himself from seeing at all... He says ‘Evil be thou my good’ (which includes ‘Nonsense be thou my sense’) and his prayer is granted."

The short version is, if you purposely make yourself blind to what is right in order to be able to do something wrong unimpeded by conscience, you will almost always screw up by missing something important. This may even include not noticing a fat guy crawling in a window behind you and setting up a cannon to shoot you in the ass with a dart.

The even shorter version is... sin makes you stupid.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 3: FRANKENSTEIN VS. SANTA

It's time to say those two little words that will most likely cause at least half of you to immediately run screaming for the hills. It's time to we said... Prog Rock!

For those of you who stuck around, I'm sure you noticed the strains of O Come, O Come, Emmanuel sneaking in there at some point. You know, most people can toss off the first verse of that old carol with no problem. Usually by the third verse, though, it's a good idea to have a hymnal around or someone's bound to get completely lost. It goes like this:

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free

Thine own from Satan's tyranny

From depths of hell Thy people save

And give them victory o'er the grave

Rod of Jesse is something of an obscure reference. It comes from older translations of Isaiah 11:1 where it states, "And there shall come forth a rod out of the root of Jesse, and a flower shall rise up out of his root." The verse is referring to a savior who will come from the line of Jesse, the man who would go on to father King David. From there, it doesn't take much to connect the dots from David to Jesus. So, basically, the Rod of Jesse is a reference that draws attention to how Jesus, through his family tree, fulfilled yet another Old Testament prophecy.

What does any of that have to do with Santa fighting Frankenstein to the strains of Prog Rock? Absolutely nothing that I know of. But hey, when you listen to Prog Rock, the mind, much like the music, tends to wander, so cut me some slack.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 2: ELVES

Sure, we all know about Santa's elves, how they help make the toys and occasionally practice dentistry on poor helpless Bumbles. But tales of the álfar go back at least as far as Norse mythology where they were portrayed as a lot more than just happy wee folk prancing around in stocking caps. Allegedly, they were magical beings of great power. As such, it was only natural the occultists among the Nazis would take an interest in them. At least, that's what the 1989 movie Elves would have us believe...

Believe it or not, that bit of dialog is one of the least crazy things in the film. Thanks to such utter lunacy, Elves is something of a much watch for fans of Dan Haggerty and/or bad movies, although those two things usually go together more often than not.

Oddly enough, the idea of elves being demonic beings actually goes way, way back. In Jacob Neusner's book Religion, Science, and Magic, it states, "Although originally ambivalent in character, elves were gradually demonized under the influence of Christianity." We see this play out in the story of Beowulf where elves are noted as one of the races that resulted from the mark of Cain. In the English Royal Prayer Book of the late eighth century, the word elf is equated Satan. And in the Canterbury Tales, the Wife of Bath claims the little guys are actually incubi. Of course, everything was about sex for the Wife of Bath, but still, you get the point.

These days, though, thanks mostly to Santa Claus and Tolkien, elves have pretty much been rehabilitated. Now they're considered either happy toy makers or endless fodder for cosplayers. Either way, you'd be hard pressed to find anyone, Nazi or otherwise, who believes sex with an elf would result in the birth of the Antichrist. No Will Farrell jokes, please.

So, for any elves out there who might happen to be reading this, welcome back to the fold. Isusarad ‘elir and idhrin-eden ‘elir!

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS - DAY 1: SILENT NIGHT (GOAT EDITION)

Advent has come to an end and Christmas is upon us. So join us, will you, in singing along to that perennial classic, Silent Night...

Sorry, my neighbor recently picked up a few more goats and one of them is a screamer. After one too many blood curdling shrieks in the middle of the night, I have goat on the brain. Besides, animals are just as much a part of the Christmas story as Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, right? Oddly enough, no. Even though animals are almost always included in nativity scenes, there are none mentioned in the infancy narrative in the Bible. Not a one.

Then why are there always animals in nativity scenes? Well, apparently it started with a 3rd century homily by early Church father Origen. He suggested that the birthplace of Christ was the same one referenced in Isaiah 1:3, where it states, "An ox knows its owner, and an ass, its master’s manger." Once that link was established, it quickly became a tradition to include an ox and an ass in artwork depicting Jesus' birth. And when St. Francis put together the first live nativity scene, sure enough, an ox and an ass were included. St. Bonaventure describes it this way...

"It happened in the third year before his death, that in order to excite the inhabitants of Grecio to commemorate the nativity of the Infant Jesus with great devotion, [St. Francis] determined to keep it with all possible solemnity; and lest he should be accused of lightness or novelty, he asked and obtained the permission of the sovereign Pontiff. Then he prepared a manger, and brought hay, and an ox and an ass to the place appointed."

Hey, if St. Francis says it's okay to have animals at the nativity, it has to be okay. So, have a very goat Christmas everyone. Christ the Savior is born.