DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 30, 2022

The Northman (2022) Viking prince seeks very, very bloody revenge for the murder of his father. Basically Hamlet as Conan, but brilliantly made and occasionally metaphysical. TIL: Vikings may have originally sacked monasteries, but they ended up becoming champions of the Church.

Savage Justice (1988) What if Patty Hearst's brainwashing turned her into Rambo? It'd be stupid, that's what. Reliably goofy VHS action fare. TIL: Teaching a child religion isn't brainwashing. It doesn’t take away their ability to make rational choices; it helps them do so.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 25, 2022

Sharks of the Corn (2021) Mystically summoned shark puppets prey on yocals in a corn field. Nice that Tim Ritter is still cranking them out, but... holy WTF! TIL: Bible translations that use the word corn do so in its original generic sense meaning grain, not American maize.

Luther the Geek (1989) With proper low expectations, it's an unexpectedly watchable Troma acquisition about a killer with steel teeth who clucks like a chicken. TIL: Derived from the German word geck, geek originally meant just a fool, and you know what Psalm 14 says about fools.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 22, 2022

Mutant Hunt (1987) Cyborgs drugged by evil corporation turn murderous. Could any of the director's gay porn be much cheaper than this? TIL: While not excusing users, The Pontifical Council for Health Care Workers suggests drug suppliers should be the primary target of police.

A redemption story full of twists, turns, and... tails? My review of The Bad Guys for Aleteia.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 21, 2022

Alienator (1990) College brats come between a buff bounty-hunter and her prey. Sort of remake of 1957's The Astounding She-Monster, but likely made for even less money. TIL: Aquinas warned to beware the man with one book. Many bodybuilders translate this as don't skip leg day.

Hellbent (1988) Faust as a post-punk rock fable with some mad mommy action thrown in. Doesn't completely work, but scratches that 80's itch nicely enough. TIL: The legend of Faust is predated by that of St. Theophilus who allegedly made a pact with Satan but later repented.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 20, 2022

The Phantom Empire (1988) Explorers discover Sybil Danning lording over an underground civilization. Snail-paced attempt to replicate old serials. TIL: A 1936 expedition sought the Ark of the Covenant, believed to have been taken to a hidden civilization beneath Mt. Tsurugi.

Winterbeast (1992) Cheap regional horror featuring amateur stop-motion killer totem poles. That synopsis gets better with every word, doesn't it? TIL: Priests in the 1800's used mini totem poles called Sahale sticks to visually explain Christianity to Pacific Northwest natives.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 14, 2022

Invitation to Hell (1984) Demonic Susan Lucci runs a country club that steals the souls of wealth-obsessed yuppies. This kind of stuff happened all the time in the 80's. TIL: Aquinas notes generosity is the chief virtue to combat the lure of greed, followed closely by gratitude.

Time to ignore the critics. Again. My take on Mark Wahlberg's latest, Father Stu, for Aleteia.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 13, 2022

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982) Entirely entertaining mash-up of The Warriors and Escape From New York. Bonus points for random drum solo. TIL: Despite all the Italians in the movie, the Bronx was actually a popular destination for Irish Catholic immigrants in the mid-1900's.

The Witches (1966) Schoolmarm recovering from a nervous breakdown finds Satanists in rural England. Not Hammer's finest, but a nice diversion. TIL: Researcher Dave Evans estimates there are more academics researching occultism in the UK than there are actual practicing Satanists.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 12, 2022

Fatal Games (1984) Olympian hopefuls make the cut, but not the one they wanted. Mostly lackluster low-tier slasher that's sure to irk trans-fans everywhere. TIL: Vatican Athletics,  comprised of Swiss Guards, nuns, priests, and workers, is slowly nearing Olympic accreditation.

Valentine (2001) Cupid-masked killer seeks revenge over traumatic embarrassment at a middle-school dance. Scream cash-in has its rabid fans, but honestly, it's just alright. TIL: There are actually three different St. Valentines, all of them murdered for their Christian beliefs.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 9, 2022

Oddballs (1984) Summer camp shenanigans, but more like Airplane than Meatballs. Probably best if seen as a pre-pubescent as that's the level of writing. TIL: All scripture is useful for teaching, but not every story is developmentally appropriate for youngsters. Use common sense.

The Weekend Murders (1970) Rich folks gather for a will reading and... you know the rest. Likable lampoon of Christie mysteries and British class snobbery. TIL: Alas, even being a member of the aristocracy didn't save Catholics from torture and death in Elizabethan England.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 7, 2022

Blood Car (2007) Vegan invents engine that runs on human blood. Promising satire undone by no budget and way too many sex jokes. WTH is Anna Chlumsky doing here? TIL: Genesis notes the life of the flesh is in the blood, something science finally caught on to centuries later.

Demented (1980) Idiots unwisely try to exploit a rape victim's trauma. Sketchy acting, but somewhat redeemed by a bonkers third act. TIL: Judaism & Christianity are mostly to thank for altering the perception of rape as violation of a man’s property to a crime against the victim.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 6, 2022

Phantom Brother (1988) Man is haunted by a bro who's a jerk even in death. Opens cool, but quickly descends to usual SOV standards. TIL: Oddly, despite all the sibling rivalry it depicts, Scripture uses true brotherly love as an example of how believers should treat each other.

Horror House on Highway Five (1985) Slasher in a Tricky Dick mask is somehow involved with Nazis, brain worms, and missiles. Unintelligible, but a pretty cool soundtrack. TIL: Richard Nixon's Quaker beliefs is credited for his emphasis on détente with Russia and talks with China.

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 5, 2022

Shocking Dark (1989) The only shock here is how much of an utterly shameless beat-for-beat ripoff of Aliens it is, at least until "Bishop" turns into a dark Terminator. TIL: Scripture's ethical dualism of light and darkness is symbolic; the consequences of which we choose is not.

Class Reunion (1982) Crazed alumni of Lizzie Borden High are offed by one of their own. Undeniably bad National Lampoon horror-comedy I inexplicably adore. TIL: Founded by a Catholic monk in 597 AD, The King’s School Canterbury is the second oldest school still in operation.

OUTTAKES #063

 

DAILY CALL SHEET: APRIL 1, 2022

The Invisible Man (2020) Has more in common with Sleeping With The Enemy than H. G. Wells, but works well enough by the time the credits roll. TIL: G. K. Chesterton’s The Everlasting Man was a response to Wells’ Outline of History, gently lampooning its snobbish progressivism.

Varan the Unbelievable (1962) Replacing Japanese footage with new American scenes worked for Godzilla, so it should here too, right? No, not right. TIL: Paraphrased Bibles, which often don't use the original languages as a source, are consistently voted the worst translations.

DAILY CALL SHEET: MARCH 31, 2022

Schizoid (1980) Generic slasher stuff mixed with sleazy family drama. It's biggest crime is not letting Klaus Kinski go full Klaus Kinski. TIL: "Be who you are and be that well. So that you may bring honor to the Master Craftsman whose handiwork you are." - St Francis de Sales

Ape vs. Monster (2021) Asylum cash-in on Godzilla vs. Kong. The kind of movie you watch just because it's on, or maybe to keep Eric Roberts working. TIL: The Bible notes that apes/monkeys were part of King Solomon's menagerie, a symbol of the splendor and wealth of his kingdom.