One Million Years B.C. (1966) After Tumak of the dark-haired Rock tribe is exiled to the desert by his father, he hooks up with Loana of the fair-haired Shell tribe. Alas, the pair's Pebbles and Bamm Bamm romance does nothing to cool relations between the two tribes and it looks like war is on the horizon. However, the local volcano may have something to say about things. Completely ahistorical (what fossil records?) and really thin on story, this is mostly remembered these days for Ms. Fuzzy Britches herself, Raquel Welch, running around in a leather bikini while being chased by stop-motion dinosaurs.
TIL: The use of the labels A.D. (anno domini/in the year of the lord) and B.C. (before Christ) started in the year 525 when a monk named Dionysius started utilizing A.D. to count the years since the traditionally recognized birth of Jesus. The Venerable Bede added B.C. to the system in 731 and Charlemagne officially adopted the usage of both labels sometime in the ninth century. The attempts to replace the labels with B.C.E. (before common era) and C.E. (common era) started around 1715 but the new labels have never caught on as much as non-Christians would like. I mean, you still have to explain why it's the common era, so it's really kind of lame.
Midnight Offerings (1981) Were you a fan of the old M-TV show Celebrity Deathmatch but were disappointed they never did a Waltons vs. Little House on the Prairie episode? Not to worry, ABC's Movie of the Week has you covered. It's Erin Walton vs. Mary Ingalls as two teen witches dueling to the death (eventually) for the affection of their high school's resident heartthrob. Sure it's silly, but played so dead serious you can't help but just go with it. Who knew such family friendly femmes could be so fatal?
TIL: Making offerings to deities is an ancient cross-cultural thing. However, according to Genesis, the origin of the practice goes back to humanity's beginning with Cain‘s gift of the fruits of the earth to Jehovah. The Catholic Encyclopedia notes, "at the root of all oblations is the idea that God has a claim upon man, his possessions, and the fruits of his labors, and is pleased at receiving an acknowledgment of His sovereignty." That notion remains as part of the small offerings we make these days like fasting, tithing, or charitable actions.
The Monster Walks (1932) An heiress and her fiancé arrive at her ancestral estate only to find (1) everybody there hates her guts because the family's patriarch left her all the money, and (2) her dearly departed dad was conducting weird experiments in the basement. All of that can mean only one thing. You guessed it, there's a homicidal ape loose in the house. Look, I don't know where all these rich people in the 30's and 40's got their apes, but if the glut of old dark house movies from that time period are any indication, every mansion came with at last one. Anyway, this is a lesser effort in the ape in an old dark house subgenre, but if will do if you've already seen the better ones.
TIL: Apes have no religion, but Jane Goodall often wondered if they had some kind of inner life, especially after watching them seemingly contemplate nature with what seemed to be awe and wonder. “Why wouldn’t they also have feelings of some kind of spirituality?” she asked. Alas, Michael Egnor at Mind Matters notes that every study conducted so far indicates, "Apes can’t contemplate spirituality-God, the afterlife, morality, salvation-because they can’t contemplate anything... Abstraction is beyond the reach of animal minds, because abstraction is an immaterial power of the mind, and only humans have immaterial thoughts." That's a shame, because I really wanted to use potential ape spirituality to make a joke about the I'm spiritual but not religious crowd.
The Sleeping Car (1990) A sad sack divorced thirtysomething heading back to college to finish his degree rents an old locomotive sleeping car decked out for student housing. Unbeknownst to him, the car's last occupant was an alcoholic serial-killing train engineer whose spiteful spirit still haunts the sofa. In no time, the lethal love seat kills anyone who stops by for a visit. No lie. It's a promising weird setup boosted by the presence of the always affable David Naughton. Sadly, it never quite gels and the film ultimately feels like lukewarm 80's leftovers.
TIL: For 30 years prior to WWI, The St. Anthony of Padua chapel rail car carried the sacraments to areas of the U.S. that had no Catholic Church. Spearheaded by Oklahoma City’s Bishop Francis Kelley, the idea was was initially opposed by his Archbishop who, true to his Franciscan roots, felt that a heated railroad car with bedrooms and a kitchen was far too luxurious a way for missionaries to travel. But Pope Pius IX loved the idea and gave it his blessing. Actually, the Baptists, Russian Orthodox, and Episcopalians also had cars on the rails, but the Catholic car was the most popular, with 25,000 people in Boston alone turning out to see it.
SHORT FEATURE: HAIR - EASY TO BE HARD Ordo Amoris? Yep, one of those old Catholic terms is actually in the news. Now, don't worry, we're not getting into politics (Blech!), we're just interested in the ideas itself. So, if you're looking for a defense or condemnation of how any particular politician thinks the principle of Ordo Amoris should be carried out, look elsewhere.
Aquinas (of course) spells out the general guidelines of Ordo Amoris, or the Order of Love if you prefer English. He notes, "One’s obligation to love a person is proportionate to the gravity of the sin one commits in acting against this love.” Basically, he's saying it's a sin not to prioritize those for whom we have greater responsibility.
Let's do a for instance. What if your neighbor's house catches on fire at the same time Los Angeles is burning down. Ideally, you'd be in the financial situation to aid both. But, if you're strapped, helping your neighbor has to come first. Yes, even if their dog yaps too much or they haven't returned those tools they borrowed. Really, it's just common sense.
Oddly enough, the point is made quite excellently in this clip from the musical Hair in which the character of Hud's fiancé shows up to tell him she's pregnant and he tells her to get lost because he's too busy being a part of the movement. This cause her to break into song (and has anybody performed this better than Cheryl Barnes does here) lamenting how this socially conscious hippie is overlooking the very person he should be helping the most. Ordo Amoris is right there in the lyrics...
Matinee (1993) Looking to capitalize on the dread generated by the Cuban missile crisis, master showman Lawrence Woolsey brings his latest celluloid extravaganza, Mant!, to a small Florida town. While teen drama and atomic paranoia run rampant around him, Woolsey prepares for the film's premier by setting up a number of gimmicks. These include having an actor dressed as the movie's half-man/half-ant monster terrorize ticket buyers and setting up large speakers to shake the auditorium, a gag he has dubbed Rumble-Rama. Once the lights go down, havoc erupts. This light hearted love letter to B-movies is a joy for film fanatics and John Goodman's performance as the William Castle wannabe will make you love him even more than you already do.
TIL: Writing in Crisis Magazine, Ronald J. Rychlak relates how, during the Cuban missile crisis, JFK sent a message to Pope John XXIII imploring him to help. The Pontiff responded with a radio address and letter published in newspapers all over the world, including Pravda, in which he begged for peace. Rychlak notes, "With his plea, Pope John XXIII had given Khrushchev a way out. By withdrawing now, he would be seen as a man of peace, not a coward." This, along with the U.S. and Russia agreeing to withdraw missiles form strategic locations, managed to calm things down. As Rychlak explains, "Pope John’s role in the resolution of the Cuban missile crisis is often overlooked, but it was very important. It also helped move the world in a positive direction."
The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981) Overexposure to a variety of household chemicals causes suburban homemaker Pat Kramer to begin diminishing in size. This not only turns Pat into an overnight celebrity (a commercial product if you will), but also brings her to the attention of a cabal of mad scientists who want to shrink the world. They kidnap the now doll-sized Pat for experimentation, but she manages to find an unlikely ally in one of those super-intelligent gorillas mad scientists always have locked up in their labs. This early effort from Joel Schumacher featuring Lily Tomlin's comic take on the classic tale abandons metaphysics for satire of consumerism. The result is no gut-buster, but still makes for good family fun.
TIL: In his encyclical Centesimus Annus, St. Pope John Paul II noted that capitalism is the preferable economic system because, in theory, it encourages producers of goods to be attentive to the needs of others in order to be successful. However, he does warn that capitalism can lead to consumerism, a way of living in which people make consumer goods the source of their identity and the goal toward which their lives are oriented. As Fr. Richard John Neuhaus put it, "Consumerism is, quite precisely, the consuming of life by the things consumed." Or put another way, as we see in the movie's visual metaphor, consumerism eventually shrinks one's personhood until, finally, it simply disappears forever.
Vice Squad (1982) Unable to break the glass ceiling, a businesswoman changes her name to Princess and turns to the oldest form of entrepreneurship to make ends meet. Her new job goes okay until a fellow hooker dies following a savage rape and beating from her own pimp. Princess does her best to stay uninvolved, but soon finds herself coerced into helping the police track down the culprit. This could have easily slid into 80's exploitation obscurity except for one thing, Wings Hauser. The man is legendarily slimy as the world's most vile pimp, Ramrod, and his mere presence forces everyone else to bring it up a notch.
TIL: Victory over Vice was a series of talks given by the Venerable Fulton J. Sheen (and, like most of his stuff, eventually turned into a book) in which he used the seven last words of Christ on the Cross as a counter to the seven deadly sins. For example, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” is a perfect antidote to the vice of anger. Basically, his method boils down to four steps to overcome vices; introspection, avoiding sinful opportunities, willpower, and a right philosophy.
The Stendhal Syndrome (1996) An American detective tracking a serial rapist/murderer through Venice discovers she has the titular disorder, a mental condition which basically causes the brain to short circuit when viewing great works of art. Once her prey learns of the detective's weakness, he uses it to plot against her. Mind games and super weird plot twists ensue. Certainly nowhere near Argento's best movie but, notwithstanding some questionable character decisions (and kind of icky given the film's star is the director's daughter), it's probably his last really decent one.
TIL: Speaking on the effects of art, Jem Sullivan, Ph.D. notes, "There are many, many stories of people who are not believers, who are atheists, perhaps, or just secular people, and something about the beauty that they encounter either in nature or in a work of a beautiful work of art, a piece of beautiful music, brings them closer to God in some way that was unexpected. That’s the interesting thing about beauty: It takes us by surprise and has a hold on our attention for however long we’re engaged in the encounter with beauty. But it leaves us changed. It leaves us transformed."
The Relic (1997) Something is beheading people at the the Field Museum of Natural History in Chicago and removing their hypothalami. With the help of some cantankerous cops, it's up to the institution's evolutionary biologists to determine what's going on, that is if they can literally keep their heads about them long enough to solve the mystery before the night of the museum's annual fundraising gala. With solid acting from the likes of Tom Sizemore and Penelope Ann Miller, not to mention a pretty nifty monster design, this is the kind of dependable B-level creature feature one could often find in cinemas before the millennium changed.
TIL: The act of placing a relic (a piece of a Saint's body) underneath the altar stone of a Catholic Church goes all the way back to Christianity's beginning when, by necessity, Christians assembled in the Catacombs. A letter from the 2nd Century mentions holding mass over the remains of St. Polycarp, noting, "we took up his bones, more valuable to us than precious stones and finer than refined gold. We laid them in a suitable place, where the Lord will permit us to gather ourselves together, as we are able, in gladness and joy.” The practice is not strictly required these days (there's only so many parts of Saints to go around), but it's still strongly encouraged.
The Night Stalker (1972) A number of bloodless corpses turn up along the Las Vegas Strip, leading investigative reporter Carl Kolchak to suspect a vampire is involved. Both his boss and the authorities tell him to back off the story, even after a man breaks into a blood bank and runs off after being shot multiple times. However, undeterred, Kolchak continues to pursue the story in the name of truth. The script is fairly boilerplate for an ABC movie of the week, but Darren McGavin's portrayal of the beatdown, gruff journalist is an instant classic and makes the movie a must watch. No wonder people clamored for more.
TIL: Apologetics, meaning to give a reason or defense of an action, comes from the Greek word 'apologian'. That's the word which appears in the original texts of 1 Peter wherein the apostle encouraged Christians to, much like Kolchak, stand up for the truth no matter what. As he put it, we should "always be prepared to make a defense to any one who calls you to account for the hope that is in you, yet do it with gentleness and reverence; and keep your conscience clear, so that, when you are abused, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame."
The Mutilator (1984) As a child, poor little Ed Jr. accidentally discharges a shotgun into his mother, causing his father Big Ed to have a violent psychotic break. Years later, Ed Jr. and his college buddies head to his family's beach condo for Fall Break (huh?), but someone with a lot of sharp implements lying around isn't happy about their arrival. Could it be Big Ed? Okay, so the Mutilator isn't big on mystery. What it does have, though, is a ludicrously happy opening theme song extolling Fall Break (is that a thing?) and a handful of brutal set pieces guaranteed to please readers of Fangoria.
TIL: Except when performed for strictly therapeutic medical reasons (i.e. cutting off a gangrened limb), the Church considers intentional amputations, mutilations, and sterilizations performed on innocent persons to be a violation against a moral understanding of bodily integrity This pretty much nixes anything from lopping off the hands of thieves to gender reassignment surgery. The only exception granted is for non-therapeutic circumcision. Parents can choose that for their child if they wish since the procedure was established by God himself as a sign of the Old Covenant, and therefore by definition cannot be immoral.
Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966) Ten years following Dracula's dusting at the hands and cross of Van Helsing, two English couples touring the Carpathian Mountains get talked into staying at the Count's castle. After one of the men is sacrificed to resurrect Dracula, it's up to the tough-talking gun-toting Father Sandor to make sure things don't get out of hand. Christopher Lee's second time around as the titular lord of vampires is Hammer at its artistic peak. Lee actually never says a single word during the entire runtime and yet that somehow makes him all the more regal and menacing. Good stuff.
TIL: Prior to Dracula and Ozzy Osbourne laying claim to the title, the Prince of Darkness was one of the many monikers bestowed upon Satan. It doesn't appear in Scripture, though. The nomenclature first appears in John Milton's poem Paradise Lost published in 1667 where, despite the sinister implications of his sobriquet, the devil is portrayed in a way many interpreted as sympathetic. Don't believe it, though, said C. S. Lewis. In his forward to the 1941 edition of Milton's work, Lewis insists Milton "uses all his skill to make us regard Satan as a despicable human being" by focusing on his egotism and monomaniac concern with himself.
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