HE’S BACK. HE’S BIGGER THAN EVER. AND HE WANTS YOUR ETERNAL SOUL.

Being a bad movie fan with an Internet connection can lead you to some weird places. For instance, trying to pull up information on one of Robert Altman’s worst films, O. C. & Stiggs, led me to track down a couple of old issues of National Lampoon (should have known better) which in turn brought me to this ALMOST appropriate for the season movie poster satire…

You know, it’s really not that irreverent if you look at it as a parody of Hollywood’s thought process rather than as another lame poke at religion. But I do have to say, putting Keith Richards in the role of “The Damned” seems like a bit of lazy typecasting. He can also play a pirate, after all.

Still, even this bit of silliness can serve as a reminder that, as the Catechism makes clear, “When the Church celebrates the liturgy of Advent each year, she makes present this ancient expectancy of the Messiah, for by sharing in the long preparation for the Savior's first coming, the faithful renew their ardent desire for his second coming.” And while He probably won’t return as a Godzilla sized behemoth (Although, that would be freakin’ cool!), it’s bound to be pretty spectacular. Or will be, as long as we spend a little time this Advent contemplating whether or not we’re ready for it. Better get to it. IT”S COMING SOONER THAN YOU THINK!

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: THE GONG SHOW MOVIE

The Gong Show Movie (1980)

• Chuck Barris,
• Robin Altman,
• Mabel King

During the 1970s, the Gong Show was a game/talent show phenomenon. With equal measures of parody, camp and pure lowest-common denominator exploitation, it presented a bizarre assortment of talented and untalented contestants (for example, the musician who played his trumpet with his bellybutton) making their bid for stardom, and a ridiculous prize of $516.32, while three rambunctious minor celebrity judges looked on offering scores for acts they liked, or instantly stopping showing disapproval by pounding furiously on a large Chinese gong. The co-creator, producer and acid-witted but smarmy daytime host of this tawdry kitsch pastiche was Chuck Barris (AKA "Chuckie Baby"). This attempt at a serious drama chronicles a day in his hectic life as he tries to prepare a new episode of his crazy show. As he deals with a seemingly unending string of increasingly freaky acts, the pressure begins to get to the sensitive, caring (as portrayed in the film) Barris and by the day's end he becomes a true lunatic. – AllMovie Guide

41% liked it

Unrated, 1 hr. 29 min.

Director: Chuck Barris

 

December 12, 2010: Third Sunday of Advent (Year A)

Anybody familiar with Chuck Barris’ psuedo-autobiography Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind knows the famed television producer plays fast and loose with the boundaries between fantasy and reality. But back in 1980, people didn’t know quite what to make of Chuckie Baby’s satirical experiments in scrambling fact and fiction. Composed of actual outtakes from the TV show (too risqué for broadcast by 70s standards, but hardly eyebrow raising in today’s “look at me, aren’t I shocking” era of desperate celebrities) combined with vignettes of Barris slowly suffering a nervous breakdown due to the show’s intrusion into his private life, the Gong Show Movie feels like the mutant offspring of an episode of Jackass genetically spliced together with a Robert Altman film. So it’s no surprise that The Gong Show Movie was an instant flop.

And yet, for all its self-indulgent floppiness, something still rings a bit true when Barris, finally overwhelmed by the chaotic world he’s created for himself, flees by himself to the dunes of Morocco looking for meaning. In fact, this week’s gospel portrays the people of Jesus’ time doing the exact same thing, prompting the Christ to point blank ask them, “What did you go out to the desert to see?”

The Venerable Charles de Foucauld answers the question this way: “One has to pass through the desert, spending time there, if one is to receive the grace of God. It is there that we empty ourselves, getting rid of everything that is not God, and completely emptying this little house of our souls to leave all the room to God alone. The Hebrews travelled through the desert, Moses lived there before he received his mission, Saint Paul and Saint John Chrysostom were also made ready in the desert… It is a time of grace, a period during which all souls who want to bear fruit necessarily have to pass. They need this silence, recollection and forgetfulness of all created things in the midst of which God establishes his reign and forms a spirit of interiority within them: life in intimacy with God, conversation of the soul with God in faith, hope and love.”

Perhaps that’s one of the reasons the Church offers up so much desert imagery smack dab in the middle of wintery Advent. During the oft-stressful noisy build-up to Christmas, maybe we all need a reminder to withdraw (if only mentally) every now and then so we can empty ourselves and commune with God. Of course, just like in the movie, all the stuff we’ve withdrawn from will eventually show up to call us back into the chaos. Maybe not in the form of The Unknown Comic, Gene Gene The Dancing Machine, and whatever that guy with tow heads was supposed to be like it did for Chuckie Baby, but it’ll show up, you can guarantee it. Only thanks to our little desert jaunts, maybe, just maybe, we’ll be better prepared to handle it.

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: THE WORM EATERS

The Worm Eaters (1977)

• Herb Robins,
• Lindsay Armstrong Black,
• Joseph Sacket

Schlockmeister Ted V. Mikels (The Corpse Grinders) produced this dreadful gross-out comedy featuring lots of bad actors consuming live worms onscreen. After the bouncy title rendition of "Nobody likes me/Everybody hates me/Guess I'll go eat worms," the viewer meets Herman Umgar (Herb Robins, who directed and scripted from Nancy Kapner's story), a worm-breeder with a club foot and a German accent. Umgar sneaks a worm-filled cake into a little girl's birthday party, causing the grossed-out guests to run around in sped-up comic style. Umgar's father was killed by his partner, the mayor's father, in 1939, but Umgar actually owns half the town and the mayor is determined to have the worm-breeder committed and take the town for himself. The first worm is eaten in a plate of spaghetti by a woman named Heidi, who turns into a half-worm mutant from the waist down for no apparent reason. Soon, Umgar has several mutants in a wire pen, gobbling like turkeys. The local lake turns red, and then three fishermen show up in Umgar's bedroom, explaining that they are part-worm and "live in peace under the red tide." They came to find mutant worm-women, and Umgar promises to make mates for them while attempting to maintain his land claim. By the time Umgar is force-fed a whole mouthful of worms and the mutants lead an attack on the mayor, the joke has worn off. – AllMovie Guide

14% want to see it

PG, 1 hr. 34 min.

Director: Herb Robins

 

December 5, 2010: Second Sunday of Advent Year A

Well, okay, it’s got a few good lines (“That’s the sound of worms. I’d know it anywhere.”), a catchy theme song (future film scorer David Newman’s "You'll End Up Eating Worms"), and even a few cult-worthy WTF scenes (Umgar dancing ecstatically through a field of flowers with his favorite worm in his hands). But let’s face it, this is a movie entitled The Worm Eaters, and ultimately your enjoyment of it is going to hinge on whether or not you find entertainment value in watching people eat worms. Worms in cake, worms in ice cream, worms in hot dogs, worms in… well, you get the idea.

Now, having been born with my fair share of Y chromosomes, I don’t mind a bit of juvenile gross-out humor now and then. In fact, I can watch Monty Python’s vomit filled Mr. Creosote sketch time and time again and find it funnier every single time. But The Worm Eaters, with its endless extreme close ups of wide open mouths stuffed full of wiggling invertebrates just doesn’t do it for me.

Maybe that’s why, out of all the deep theological stuff in this week’s readings, my simple mind got hung up on the seemingly throwaway fact that John The Baptist liked to chow down on locusts. Why did we even need to know that? Was Matthew just taking a cheap shot and trying to make us gag before moving on to the more serious matters? Probably not. Since the book of Matthew isn’t very much of a side-splitter, it’s more likely that the reference to Mr. The Baptist’s diet was a kind of short hand meant to tell us something about the character of John.

But what? Well, besides the fact that he had a strong stomach, John’s culinary habits combined with his camel hair wardrobe lets us know he was one of the Nazarites, a sect of Jews whose lifestyle was designed to show they were set apart from others and consecrated to God. In addition to that, a number of the early Church fathers saw John’s choice of locusts as having symbolic meaning. Origen opined that John “was eating locusts because the people were being nourished by a word that traveled high aloft in the air and had not yet passed over the earth.”  St. Peter Chrysologus suggested  that the Baptist’s menu reflected his message of “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand!” “Locusts intended for sinners worthy of chastisement” he wrote, “are rightly considered to be food for repentance, so that bounding from the place of sin to the place of repentance the sinner may fly to heaven on the wings of forgiveness.”

Whatever the reason may be, practical or poetic, it’s nice to know the mention of John’s creepy crawly cuisine was more than just a case of Mathew trying to make us wince in disgust. I can’t really say the same for The Worm Eaters.

THINGS TO COME: MEGA SHARK VS. CROCOSAURUS

Okay, so Mega Shark was no Sharktopus, but who could be really? That’s why we were more than content to spend 90 minutes with the old boy as he threw down with Giant Octopus and Deborah Gibson. And now, he’s coming back, this time to combat the awesome combination of Crocosaurus and… Urkel.

Now I was never much of an Urkel fan. In fact, I recently showed my 8 year old a clip from Family Matters and he ran from the room completely disturbed. But I’m willing to cut Jaleel White some slack because (1) he’s still managing to get work despite having played Urkel for a decade, and (2) this just looks like more of the same brainless goofy fun as its predecessors. I can’t wait!

But I have to, don’t I. At least for a few more weeks. Kind of reminds me of something else, something that’s right on the tip of my tongue. Oh, what could it be now? I don’t know, maybe…

ADVENT!?!

Pope Benedict XVI knows how it is. During his recent reflection on Advent, the Pontiff remarked that "Expectation and awaiting represent a dimension that touches our entire individual, family and social existence… Expectation is present in many situations, from the smallest and most insignificant to the most important… a couple expecting a child; awaiting a relative or friend who comes to visit us from far way… the expectation of the result of some decisive examination… in personal relations the expectation of meeting the loved one.” He didn’t mention anxiously awaiting on the release of a ridiculously bad movie, but it’s gotta be in there right?

Well, maybe… but he did go on to meditate that “we could say that man is alive so long as he expects, so long as hope remains alive his heart. And man can be recognized by his expectations: our moral and spiritual 'stature' may be measured by what our hopes are… in this time of preparation for Christmas each of us may ask ourselves: what do I expect?… And this same question can be posed at the level of the family, the community, the nation. What do we expect together? What unites our aspirations, what brings us together?"

Hmm, if man can be recognized by his expectations, I wonder just what it says about me that I so often look forward to dreck like Mega Shark Vs Crocosaurus? Maybe it’s that if I hope, therefore I am, as the Pope seems to be saying, then even the littlest of anticipations matter, existing as a pale, yet real, reflection of the expectation for something much larger and better, like the things we learn to wait for during Advent. Maybe.

Or maybe I just have bad taste. I suppose that’s possible too.

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: THE MIST

The Mist (2007)

• 
• 

• Thomas Jane,
• Marcia Gay Harden,
• Laurie Holden

Frequent Stephen King collaborator Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption) teamed with the celebrated horror author once again for this tale of terror concerning a small town engulfed by a malevolent mist, based on a story originally published in King's 1985 horror anthology Skeleton Crew. When a thick fog descends upon a rural community and claims the lives of anyone unfortunate enough to be caught outside, a small band of survivors seeks refuge in a local grocery store. Now trapped in a darkened cloud of pure horror, the frightened denizens of the town are forced to fend off an advancing horde of murderous monsters. Punisher star Thomas Jane heads up an ensemble cast that includes Andre Braugher, Laurie Holden, William Sadler, and Marcia Gay Harden. – AllMovie Guide

64% liked it

R, 2 hr. 5 min.

Director: Frank Darabont 

November 28, 2010: First Sunday of Advent (Year A)

The next time you watch The Shawshank Redemption, ignore the unnecessary final shot and just close your eyes as Morgan Freeman gives his final monologue on the bus. "I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.” Just fade to black right there. You don’t need to see if Red and Andy get to give each other a big hug on the beach because it’s the hope they express which is the heart of Shawshank and the true note on which the film should end. I bring this up because in order to really appreciate The Mist, you have to see it as a bookend to Darabont’s earlier film. While Shawshank is a meditation on the necessity of hope, The Mist is an exploration of what happens when people abandon it.

Now, despite that heady introduction, The Mist is still a bona fide B-movie at heart, complete with bug-eyed monsters hell bent on brunching on a beleaguered humanity. And while those humans are all paper thin stereotypes, especially Marcia Gay Harden’s poorly written religious fanatic, it doesn’t matter too much once the tentacles start tearing through the doors. You want people armed with flaming mops fighting mammoth mutant mosquitos? Well, this is your movie.

Unfortunately, the ending sours a lot of people on The Mist. And I’ll admit, on the surface, it’s cruel. Heck, being told you’ve lost your job, your house burnt down,  and your dog has cancer all on the same day is less cruel than the ending of this movie. But if you watch The Mist in the context of it being a kind of anti-Shawshank Redemption, then the ending is exactly what it should be, a perfect allegory on the consequences of giving up hope and succumbing to despair.

Here at the start of Advent, it’s good to remember that hope is not just a feel good motivational word. As one of the theological virtues, the practice of hope actually does something to us. According to the Catechism, hope actually adapts man's faculties for participation in the divine nature. “The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness which God has placed in the heart of every man; it takes up the hopes that inspire men's activities and purifies them so as to order them to the Kingdom of heaven; it keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment; it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude. Buoyed up by hope, he is preserved from selfishness and led to the happiness that flows from charity.” And if we can get a movie like The Mist, which illustrates the repercussions of turning our backs on hope while simultaneously offering up scenes of shoppers assaulted by hideous flesh chomping spiders… all the better I say.

CUTAWAYS: DON CAMILLO

Pick a blog, and I mean any blog, and you’re likely to run across a post dealing with the Pope’s alleged endorsement of condoms. Read them all and draw your own conclusions. But in the midst of all the hoopla, it’s The Deacon’s Bench who scoured the original article which started all of the chattering and dug up a fact which really caught our attention here at the B-Movie Catechism. In short…

What does the Pope watch on TV?

According to the AP, Pope Benedict XVI’s new book will reveal that the Pontiff “enjoys watching TV at home in the evenings with his secretaries and the four women who take care of his apartment, preferring the evening news and an Italian TV show from decades ago "Don Camillo and Peppone" about a parish priest and his bumbling assistant.”

Now, I had never heard of Don Camillo and Peppone, but a quick cruise around the Internet reveals it was a pretty popular series of books, movies, and TV shows in many European countries. And my interest was really piqued when I learned that, along with the priest and his friend/foe the communist mayor (not bumbling assistant, apparently AP can’t even Google correctly), the third major character in the series was the Voice of Jesus which would periodically emanate from the large crucifix in the church, especially when Don Camillo needed chastising for his quick temper. Take this scene, for example, in which the irate Don insists on going through with a procession against the wishes (and threats) of the mayor. While the priest is angry and defiant, Jesus seems a bit relaxed about the whole thing.

That works for me. Thanks for the excellent recommendations, Your Holiness. And it just so happens that the first two Don Camillo movies are available at Netflix, so I know what I’m watching this coming week.

But it got to me thinking (which is always trouble)…

With the scores of remakes of foreign films we’re constantly deluged with here in the States, what would a modern American remake of Don Camillo look like? Well, I have a few ideas.

First off, Don Camillo (inexplicably played by Seth Rogen) would be wracked with conflict about his call to the priesthood AND about the very existence of God Himself. In fact, he would be strongly tempted to leave the priesthood and move in with one of the local prostitutes (played by Jessica Alba) with whom he has fallen in love. This time around, he would be completing the processional as a sign of rebellion against his bishop, who ordered the ceremony be discontinued because it somehow encourages people to question the authority of the Church.

The communist mayor (played by Sean Penn) would no longer be portrayed as an oafish thug, but rather a determined champion of the common man doing his best to deliver the village from the clutches of the despotic power hungry Church AND protect them from the plans of an evil American businessman (played by Alec Baldwin) who recently arrived in the village to exploit the local Maggot Cheese producers.

The dog, who can now speak, would be completely CGI and voiced by John Stewart. The dog would continuously make snarky comments deriding the entire cast for their belief in anything whatsoever, but when confronted about his asinine remarks, would only reply, “What? Nobody takes what I say serious. I’m just a dog.”

The Voice of Jesus would be played by Sara Silverman because, gosh, wouldn’t that be so edgy?

Anyway, that’s my idea of what a modern Hollywood remake of Don Camillo would look like. Feel free to chime in with your own suggestions. Or if you want to come up with a remake of your own, here’s a scene from the second film in the series. Have fun.

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU: VILLAINY!

Every now and then something or someone in the blogosphere gives me a wild hair and I just have to run with it. This time, it’s LarryD over at Acts Of The Apostasy with his recent post on the reaction of the nefarious super-villain group SCHISM to the recent election of Archbishop Timothy Dolan to the presidency of the USCCB. The post is hilarious, but down in the combox one of Larry’s astute readers, after reflecting on the character of Cosmic Girl, noted that he was “a bit afraid of what her costume might end up looking like.” Which got me to thinking…

Now, please forgive the quality, but all I had available at the office this morning was a legal pad and a cell phone to take the picture with. But I think the general idea is there.

For my rendition of Cosmic Girl, I decided to include a few things LarryD didn’t mention, but I was sure would be there. Things like:

A crystal wand to channel the power of the Spirit of Vatican 2.

Wonder Woman style wrist bracelets to symbolism years of male oppression in the Church.

Special vest buttons to symbolize Cosmic Girl’s respect for all religious traditions (though a Christian symbol is conspicuously absent).

And, of course, a nice tweed skirt to make her adventuring all the more comfortable.

So there you have my version of LarryD’s Cosmic Girl. Cower in fear before her villainy!

_________________________________

P.S. It’s all in good fun, folks. While I’m opposed to some of the sister’s ideas, I’m sure the lady herself is probably a sweetheart. And I hope she forgives the unflattering image as my caricature skills are poor to say the least. And please, LarryD, don’t sue for copyright infringement.

HONORING THE HORRENDOUS

As you’ve probably heard by now, prolific film producer Dino De Laurentiis has passed and his funeral will be held this coming Monday at the Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels in downtown Los Angeles. Now if you were a kid in the 70s like me, then you probably became familiar with Mr. De Laurentiis through his efforts to bring the 1976 remake of King Kong to fruition. Yeah, I know. The greatest generation got the classic original with Willis O'Brien's brilliant stop-motion animation, the latest generation got Peter Jackson’s lavishly bloated CGI love-fest, and us… we got a crusading bearded liberal being chased by a guy in a monkey suit. But what the heck, it was the 70s! I saw Dino’s Kong  in the theater and I still watch it today. It’s too much fun not to.

Okay, so not every film the man was involved with was a classic, but he does have some really good stuff in his 500+ film oeuvre, including what many regard as one of the greatest of the old school Biblical epics, Barabbas. He was nominated for over 35 Oscars and won the Irving G.Thalberg Memorial Award for “demonstrating a consistently high quality of motion picture production”. It’s just that for every Serpico to his credit, there’s also a Mandingo. Face it, there’s a reason Michael Medved called him "Dino De Horrendous". But we bad movie lovers certainly don’t hold that against him. I mean, come on, just think of all the things we would have missed without him.

We might never have heard Arnold Schwarzenegger explain that what is best in life is “to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

We might never have gotten to see a greasy underfed Sting prance around in his speedo and menace others with pointy weapons.

We might never have seen Bruce Campbell fight the Army of Darkness.

We might never have gotten to see a greasy underfed Grace Jones prance around in her speedo and menace others with pointy weapons. (Or was that just Sting again in blackface? I’m not really sure.)

We might never have seen Gary Busey get his butt kicked by a priest turned werewolf.

We might never have gotten to see a not so greasy, not at all underfed Brian Blessed prance around in his speedo (and a pair of goofy looking wings) and menace others with pointy weapons.

We might never have seen Barbarella. (Okay, I don’t know if that would have been a good or a bad thing, but at any rate, we never would have seen it.)

All I’m saying is that guys like De Laurentiis understood the universality of film. He knew there was space on the shelf for Federico Fellini’s La Strada and for Stephen King’s Maximum Overdrive, so he got them both made. The way Dino De Laurentis “indiscriminately mixed the high-minded with the schlock” was considered a limitation by critics like The Hollywood Reporter’s Todd McCarthy, but for obvious reasons, we consider it a strength around these parts. God bless you, Mr. De Laurentiis, and may He grant you eternal rest and let perpetual light shine upon you.

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: RAZORBACK

Razorback (1984)

• 

• Gregory Harrison,
• Arkie Whiteley,
• Bill Kerr

Before he directed the cult classic Highlander (1986), music video creator Russell Mulcahy adapted this stylish, tongue-in-cheek horror film from the novel by Peter Brennan. Gregory Harrison stars as Carl Winters, a grief-stricken American husband who has come to a remote corner of Australia to seek answers in the death of his wife, a TV journalist who was investigating a story on kangaroo poaching. Carl meets Jake Cullen (Bill Kerr), a man obsessed with hunting down what he says is an enormous razorback boar that consumed his grandson. Although he was acquitted, most of the locals believe that Jake murdered the boy himself and invented the crazy story about a giant pig. Jake tells Carl that he believes the razorback is also responsible for his wife's death. At first skeptical, Carl becomes a believer when he encounters the beast. He and Jake track it to a dog food processing plant, where the owners are illegally butchering kangaroos for industrial use. The factory operators are also feeding the dog food to the gigantic razorback, increasing its size and carnivorous appetite. Joined by farmer Sarah Cameron (Arkie Whiteley), Carl and Jake set out to kill the powerful mutant.

49% liked it

R, 1 hr. 35 min.

Director: Russell Mulcahy

November 7, 2010: Thirty-second Sunday in Ordinary Time (Year C)

Sure, it sounds like a bad SyFy channel original (as if there are any good ones), but surprisingly enough, Razorback is probably the finest giant flesh eating killer pig movie you’ll ever see.

First time feature director Mulcahy exercises his music video chops (Total Eclipse of the Heart!) to turn the Australian outback into a surreal fog-laden landscape. (Tell me again, why are there junked automobiles in the trees?) And the script by cult favorite Everett De Roche (Long Weekend, Patrick, Road Games) constantly keeps you off-kilter. Forget your safe All-American no-kill list here. Kids, dogs, animal rights activists… they’re all among the first to go. Plus, the mechanical pig doesn’t disappoint. It’s huge, filthy, and despite the fact that it’s on film, quite smelly. In fact, by the time the climax in the rather unsanitary dog food factory rolls around, you might just develop a deeper understanding of why the ancient Jews readily agreed to civil laws which forbade the eating of pork altogether.

Actually, there are a number of theories postulated as to why pork was proclaimed unclean to the Jews, ranging from the obvious health risks presented by porcine parasites to the use of swine in the sacrificial rites of nearby pagans. Whatever the reason, the important thing was that the Jews not eat the stuff. So important that, as we see in this week’s reading from 2 Maccabees, they were willing to face torture and death rather than take a single bite of bacon.

These days, of course, we gentile types can pop open a pack of pork rinds guilt free because Jesus fulfilled the promises of the Old Covenant. And in doing so, the Catechism tells us, He perfected the Jewish dietary law “by revealing its pedagogical meaning through a divine interpretation "Whatever goes into a man from outside cannot defile him… What comes out of a man is what defiles a man. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts."

But that doesn’t mean we should ignore stories like the Maccabeean tale of the seven brothers that deal with “The Law”. In a June 2002 address, the soon to be Pope Benedict XVI noted of Jews who fervently observed the ritual laws, “They were convinced that everything depended on being in the right relationship with God, on knowing what pleases Him and what one can do to respond to Him in the right way. For this reason, Israel loved the law: from it, they knew God's will, they knew how to live justly and how to honour God in the right way: by acting in accord with his will, bringing order into the world, opening it to the transcendent.” That’s a philosophy we can all bring to our own religious practices, regardless of whether or not we get to have a ham sandwich for lunch or not.

SHORT FEATURE: THE EGGS-O-CIST

Considering some of the movies reviewed here, it should be obvious that shame is not really a big concern. That being the case, I am unashamedly ripping off this video which just showed up over on Kindertrauma. Enjoy…. The Eggs-O-Cist!

What the…? So you mean to tell me that Father Merrin & Father Karras died for nothing? All little Regan really needed to get over her affliction was just to get hooked on an hour long infomercial? I knew it! Buying new crap solves everything.

Or maybe it doesn’t.

As Pope John Paull II noted in his encyclical Sollicitudo Rei Socialis, “we find ourselves up against a form of superdevelopment… contrary to what is good and to true happiness. This super-development, which consists in an excessive availability of every kind of material goods for the benefit of certain social groups, easily makes people slaves of "possession" and of immediate gratification, with no other horizon than the multiplication or continual replacement of the things already owned with others still better. This is the so-called civilization of "consumption" or "consumerism," which involves so much "throwing-away" and "waste." An object already owned but now superseded by something better is discarded, with no thought of its possible lasting value in itself, nor of some other human being who is poorer. All of us experience firsthand the sad effects of this blind submission to pure consumerism: in the first place a crass materialism, and at the same time a radical dissatisfaction, because one quickly learns - unless one is shielded from the flood of publicity and the ceaseless and tempting offers of products - that the more one possesses the more one wants, while deeper aspirations remain unsatisfied and perhaps even stifled.”

Papal encyclicals aren’t necessarily infallible, of course, but science seems to back up the Pope on this one. Andrew V. Abela, assistant professor of marketing at the Catholic University of America, writes that “the empirical evidence… indicates that consumerist attitudes are associated with reduced consumer well-being. People who are more consumeristic tend to have lower satisfaction with their lives, a greater tendency to compulsive spending, higher incidences of depression, and also lower ethical standards. Tim Kasser, in his recent book summarizing research in this area, concludes that there are “clear and consistent findings” that people who are focused on consumerist values have “lower personal well-being and psychological health than those who believe that materialistic pursuits are relatively unimportant.”

Given that our economy isn’t doing so well right now, I don’t suppose it’s a popular notion to suggest that we refrain from buying new stuff to replace the old stuff that still works. But if JPII was right, and evidence says he was, maybe we should at least consider it. Me, I was finally thinking about giving in and going Blu-Ray this year as the recent release of The Exorcist in that format is very tempting. But I think I’ll skip it now and stick with my perfectly fine DVD. Besides, do I really need to see every pore on Max von Sydow’s nose or be able to count every chunk in Linda Blair’s vomit? Nah, I think I can find a better use for that money.

CUTAWAYS–NIGHT OF THE DEMONS 2

Need a break from politics? Me too? Republicans, democrats, bleh. You know what this country really needs right now? More old school nuns armed with yardsticks! I bet that would straighten a few people out. Don’t believe me, just ask the demons in the following montage. (WARNING: gooey monster stuff near the end!)

I say give the Sisters 36 inches of cork-backed stainless steel straight edged justice and let’em loose in the halls of Congress. Whap, whap, whap! We’d have this country straightened out in no time flat.

Okay, okay, spare me the chastising. I’m well aware that the above is a cliché and that nuns throughout history, habited or not, have carried out some of the hardest and most thankless ministries the Church has had to offer, often with little thanks and rarely with rulers in their hands. So I’m not trying to perpetuate an old stereotype.

But, man, I’d love to see a congressman, any congressman, take a rap across the knuckles. Just once.

INTERMISSION: HAPPY HAPPY HALLOWEEN IV

Halloween again? Well that came around quick didn’t it? But you won’t hear any complaints around these parts, not with all the monster movie marathons on the tube. Plus, it means we get to offer our annual Halloween costume suggestions based on some of the movies we’ve taken a look at over the past twelve months. (Yes, it’s a bit last minute, but so’s everything else on this blog this year.) Long time readers know that we present this service for those of our fellow Christians who, despite the possibility that Halloween may actually have jack squat to do with paganism, might still feel uncomfortable dressing up in some of the more grotesque fare one can find lining the store shelves.

Of course, I suppose some of our costume suggestions could be considered a bit on the grotesque side also. Take our fist one for example, the severed head from The Brain That Wouldn’t Die. All you need is a TV-tray sized cardboard collar, a sheet hanging down from it for a table cloth, a swimming cap to top it all off and, voila, instant decapitated debutante. If you want to add a bit of a biblical touch to it, just throw on a fake beard and call yourself John The Baptist. It’s almost a 100% guarantee that you’ll be the only one at your church’s seasonal Hallowed Be His Name Festival dressed in this ensemble.

Speaking of costumes nobody ever seems to wear when they go go trunk or treating in their church parking lot, what about the devil, or Mr. Boogaloo, as he’s known in The Apple? Oh sure, it’s a questionable choice, but he is right there in the Bible, and who knows, it might be just the jolt someone needs to be reminded that the Church still teaches the reality of what the Catechism calls that “seductive voice, opposed to God… a fallen angel, called Satan or the devil.” Yep, we still believe such an entity exists. Now maybe he doesn’t actually prance around decked out in heavy mascara and a ton of glitter trying to beguile us with his blatantly non-musical singing voice like Mr. Boogaloo… but then again, maybe he does. I wouldn’t put anything past him.

If that’s a bit over the top, but you still want to be weird for the evening, then you can always assemble an ensemble from Voyage Of The Rock Aliens. This outfit modeled by the inimitable ABCD is just one of the many retro-nightmares to be found in the movie. And it should be easy to put together quickly as most Gen-X’ers probably have some old Chess King clothing tucked away in their attics somewhere. If you can get them to admit to it. At any rate, as cheesy as the outfits are in Voyage Of The Rock Aliens, I’d still choose them over any of the Lovecraftian visions of madness to be found at Bad Vestments. View them if you dare!

And, hey, bad liturgical outfits aren’t just for humans anymore. Just in case you want your cat to hate you for eternity, there’s also… the Anti-Pope Cat costume.

After the night’s festivities are over (and you’ve locked the cat out so it doesn’t kill you in your sleep), why not wind down All Hallows Eve with a tour of some of the creepy offerings Now Showing At A Blog Near You.

The Happy Catholic offers up her list of some of her favorite Halloween recommendations.

Helm’s Deep and Spiritual Popcorn both take a stab, so to speak, at the recent release of Predators.

Father Steve Grunow of Word on Fire Catholic Ministries muses on the status of Catholic culture and Halloween.

I haven’t tried it out yet, but for those with an Android phone, there’s a new game/app called Ghosts’n Zombies where you play a monk sent by the Vatican to eliminate demons from an ancient chapel.

Creative Minority Report wants to know what’s the scariest book you’ve ever read.

The Catholics Next Door went to DragonCon.

And finally, since I’ve taken every opportunity to poop on the movie Legion whenever possible, I suppose it’s only fair to let the director have his say. In an interview with Shock Till You Drop, Scott Stewart explains his mangling of Christian theology by revealing “I was raised Jewish so I was an Old Testament guy with no experience reading Revelations so I read a fundamentalist view, a teaching guide of Revelations. It was nuts.” Sigh. Without even going into what is and is not a fundamentalist, can we just say, Mr. Stewart, that you could have at least spent ten minutes on the freakin’ Internet discovering that the overwhelming majority of Christians don’t hold to scaaary fundamentalist interpretations of Revelation. Which book, by the way, doesn’t have an ‘S’ on the end of its name. Cripes! How many times can I poop on Legion? NOT ENOUGH!

Well, that’s it for this year’s Halloween shindig, see you again next time. Unless, of course, you were unwise enough to invest in that Anti-Pope Cat costume, in which case… good luck. I’ll be sure to light a candle for you in two days when All Souls Day rolls around.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #5 – CAMP BLOOD: THE MUSICAL

Yeah, I know. It’s another slasher movie parody. But wait, this one has musical numbers! Of a sort.

Camp Blood: The Musical is a 30 minute shot-on-video short film which, by the creators’ own admission, was filmed in only two days on a budget of less than $200… most of which was spent on official Camp Blood t-shirts and beer. Despite this (or maybe because of it), the film managed to win the Audience Award at the RI International Horror Film Festival and picked up the honors for best actor and best original song from the LYM Online Horrowshow.

Alas, the following number (which is decidedly a hard PG-13 in content) is not the tune that won. But hey, you know, since the whole setup of this song is to introduce the usual set of slasher stereotypes, why not see if you can guess which of our happy campers turns out to be the Final Girl?

Well, that should have been pretty easy, but just in case you’re still not sure,  I’ll give you a hint: non-girls, whiny goth chicks, and cocaine sniffing trollops don’t typically get to be the Final Girl. That’s because, as we discussed way back in our review of Student Bodies, slasher movies often take the form of Morality Plays, a form of secular theater in which allegorical characters representing vices and virtues face a number of perils, with only the ones who stick to the moral path left standing in the end.

So why do these kids continuously ignore all of the warning signs (not to mention the Crazy Ralphs) in their blind pursuit of premarital sex, illegal drugs, more premarital sex, slovenly drunkenness, and even more premarital sex, especially once they start to notice the body count of those engaged in such pursuits start to rise? Well, most likely it’s because it only took them about five minutes to figure out that all that stuff can be pretty pleasurable. And pleasure’s not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. Any teenager will tell you that.

But as St. Thomas Aquinas points out, “God wills some greater good that cannot be without the loss of some lesser good.” And that brings us to the big philosophical word of the day: concupiscence. (That’s kon-kyoo-pi-suhns for those of you like me who never heard that word come up even once during Sunday School.) “Etymologically, concupiscence can refer to any intense form of human desire.” the Catechism explains, however “Christian theology has given it a particular meaning: the movement of the sensitive appetite contrary to the operation of the human reason. The apostle St. Paul identifies it with the rebellion of the "flesh" against the "spirit." Concupiscence stems from the disobedience of the first sin. It unsettles man's moral faculties and, without being in itself an offense, inclines man to commit sins.”

In a sense, especially in the context of something like Camp Blood, concupiscence can be seen as our human tendency to settle for lesser goods like immediate sexual gratification rather than exercise our reason and put off those pleasures until they can be directed towards a greater good like holy matrimony. And that’s the challenge for us parents and teachers out there, isn’t it? Not to convince kids that the pleasures they’re chasing after aren’t good, but to show them that they’re not good enough. But how do we do that?

Well, your guess is as good as mine. But it was interesting to note in a 2005 New York Times article that “Catholic teenagers were far less apt to affirm belief in a personal God, to report having ever undergone a very moving, powerful worship experience, or to say their faith was extremely important in shaping their daily lives or major life decisions.” Maybe we can start by letting our kids see those things in our own lives.

Or we can just show them something like Camp Blood and say, “See, bad kids die!” Me, I’ve tried both.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #4–MAD MONSTER PARTY

I can only think only think of a handful of reasons anyone reading this blog hasn’t seen Mad Monster Party already. Maybe you didn’t know it existed. That’s fine. Or possibly you didn’t know it was available on DVD. That’s okay, too. Or perhaps as part of your spiritual walk, you’ve given up all forms of secular entertainment, even those geared towards children. That’s perfectly acceptable. But without one of those excuses or something equally valid, if you haven’t watched this Halloween treat yet, I may just have to declare you anathema.

Oh sure, it’s hardly the best of the Rankin and Bass productions, but come on, Mad Monster Party has all of the classic Universal Monsters (not to mention Phyllis Diller and a zombiefied Peter Lorre), features a freaky jazz soundtrack by Maury Laws, and stars Boris Karloff, who even sings! It’s just too much fun for any self respecting monster kid to pass up. Here’s the title track.

Mad Monster Party - Title Song
Uploaded by EegahInc. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

Okay, so maybe it’s a weird song for the Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer crowd, but I guess the little tykes have to learn about selling their souls to the devil some time, right?

Okay, maybe not.

But the song does make you think, however. With who knows how many stories having been told over the centuries of people who bartered their souls to Satan, have you ever wondered if that’s something you could actually do? You know, agree to some contract (written in blood or not) and hand over your soul to the devil? Well, the Catechism tells us that “the human person, created in the image of God, is a being at once corporeal and spiritual… The unity of soul and body is so profound that one has to consider the soul to be the "form" of the body: i.e., it is because of its spiritual soul that the body made of matter becomes a living, human body; spirit and matter, in man, are not two natures united, but rather their union forms a single nature.” So, as Catholic Answers apologist Michelle Arnold explains, “While it is a mortal sin to attempt to sell your soul to the devil, it is impossible to do so. The soul, as the substantial form of the body, is an inalienable possession of the individual. It cannot be sold, stolen, folded, spindled, or mutilated. All one would have to do to return to a state of grace after attempting to sell one’s soul would be to go to confession.” Which is nice to know.

Of course, just because we can’t physically sell our souls doesn’t mean we can’t do so metaphorically. As Prof. Peter Kreeft explains in his book, Catholic Christianity, “He who sins is a slave to sin (see Rom 6:16). Sin is using our freedom to sell ourselves into slavery and addiction to sin. We forge the chains of our bondage with the power of our freedom.” So if your little ones happen to watch Mad Monster Party and ask you what it means to sell your soul, just give’em Kreeft’s explanation and save the heavy philosophy for later. But if they also ask you to explain how you could sell your soul at that party last night… well, you’re on your own there. Good luck.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #3 – BIG MEAT EATER

It’s the story you never knew you wanted to see! A scientifically inclined butcher accidentally creates a stockpile of radioactive meat scraps which not only has the power to raise the dead, but also attracts the attention of alien invaders who want the new element “balonium” for themselves. Oh, and just for good measure, there’s a gargantuan homicidal cannibalistic janitor turned butcher’s assistant who wants to kill and eat the whole town. AND it’s a musical!

Here’s the title song. Um, you vegetarians out there might want to give it a pass though, as there is much gratuitous mashing and mangling of meat in this clip.

Blech! That clip is almost enough to make a fellow swear off eating animals altogether. If only their charred dead flesh weren’t so tasty and full of proteins!

Oops. Was that insensitive? My apologies to any vegetarians reading this. But, you know, it’s not like eating meat is a sin. As Father George Rutler wrote (quite tongue in cheek) in a 2003 letter responding to Danel Paden, director of the Catholic Vegetarian Society, “Taste is one thing; it is another thing to condemn meat eating as “evil” and permissible only “in rare and unfortunate circumstances.” Paden disagrees with no less an authority than God, Who forbids us to call any edible unworthy (Mark 7: 18-19), and Who enjoins St Peter to eat pork chops and lobster in one of my favorite revelations (Acts 10: 9-16). Does the Catholic Vegetarian Society think that our Lord was wrong to have served up fish to the 5,000, or should He have refrained from eating the Passover Lamb? When He rose from the dead and appeared in the Upper Room, He did not ask for a bowl of Cheerios, nor did He whip up a meatless omelette on the shore of Galilee. Man was made to eat flesh (Genesis 1: 26-31; 9: 1-6), with the exception of human flesh.” Well, thank heavens for that last part.

Still, just because the Catechism assures us that “God entrusted animals to the stewardship of those whom he created in his own image. Hence it is legitimate to use animals for food and clothing”, that doesn’t necessarily give us carte blanche to go about it in any way we please. As the soon to be Pope Benedict XVI noted when questioned by a German reporter in 2002, “Are we allowed to make use of animals, and even to eat them? That is a very serious question. At any rate, we can see that they are given into our care, that we cannot just do whatever we want with them. Animals, too, are God's creatures. Certainly, a sort of industrial use of creatures, so that geese are fed in such a way as to produce as large a liver as possible, or hens live so packed together that they become just caricatures of birds, this degrading of living creatures to a commodity seems to me in fact to contradict the relationship of mutuality that comes across in the Bible.” So, there would seem to be legitimate moral reasons over which one might choose vegetarianism that have nothing to do with being an animal rights whacko.

Just remember, whichever diet you choose, you’re still under the obligation to take care of yourself. “Life and physical health are precious gifts entrusted to us by God.” the Catechism reminds us, “We must take reasonable care of them.” So, if you choose a meatless existence, you still need to make sure you're getting enough proteins from other sources. And if you go the other route, preferring a menu of all creatures great and small, well… take a look at our big meat eater Abdulla up there. There are wrong ways to go about being a carnivore too.

THE B-LIST: QUESTIONABLE MUSICAL MOMENTS #2 – ROCKULA

Rockula is the poignant tale of a young vampire who once failed to save the love of his life and was thereafter cursed to see her reincarnated over and over, only to be murdered every single time… by a pirate with a rhinestone covered peg leg wielding a large hambone. Okay, so it’s not really that poignant, but it is insanely loopy. Besides, who needs mopey serious vampires when you can watch this movie instead and see such sights as the legendary Bo Diddley jumping around on a stage during a rap number dressed like Goldmember or synth wizard Thomas Dolby portraying the world’s most narcissistic coffin salesman?

The prize for most bizarre appearance by a pop star in the movie, however, probably has to go to Toni Basil, that nice lady who’s been entertaining us B-movie fans ever since she first danced The Pony in Bert I. Gordon’s immortal classic Village of the Giants. For Rockula, she really lets the weird hang all out, as in this scene where her son the vampire has reluctantly brought home the latest version of his girlfriend to meet his mother.

You know, I wonder if this is how my kids see me? Um, not that I would ever do anything like dance around the living room in front of their friends wearing silly Halloween costumes. (Not that you’ll ever know about or be able to prove, anyway!) But rest assured, I’m sure I’ll do something to embarrass them over the years, so I just hope they’ll have picked up enough wisdom along the way to at least provide me with the same begrudging respect the undead Ralph shows towards his mom in Rockula. Even though she is a flaming loony.

Over the centuries Ralph seems to have learned, quite correctly, that a basic level of respect for one’s parents isn’t based on their personality, coolness, or even the material goods they provide. As the Catechism explains, “Respect for parents (filial piety) derives from gratitude toward those who, by the gift of life, their love and their work, have brought their children into the world and enabled them to grow in stature, wisdom, and grace… As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them.” Now keep in mind, honoring a parent isn’t the same thing as loving them. If a parent has abused you, abandoned you, or some other such thing, you may not be able to feel love for them at the moment. But the command is still there to honor them.

That’s a pretty tough demand, really. But as Fr. John Hardon wrote in his Pocket Catechism, “Underlying this obligation is the virtue of piety, or devotion to the authors of one’s being. Thus filial piety is an earthly expression of the heavenly duty to honor God, who is the primary Author of all created beings.” So let’s all keep that in mind the next time mom makes an entrance in front of our friends wearing that bustier she picked up at Hot Topic and begins to pop and lock. Humiliating or not, she’s still ours.