THINGS TO COME: THE CATECHISM CATACLYSM

With movies like Warrior and Machine Gun Preacher hogging all the attention around the Christian blogosphere right now, it would be easy to overlook some of the really low budget religious themed offerings popping up on the festival circuits right now. For instance, there’s Kevin Smith’s Red State which, truth be told, just sounds too stupid to even talk about. But there’s also Todd Rohal's The Catechism Cataclysm, which creeps into limited release on October 19th and VOD one week later. I have to admit, the title sounds promising, but with a theme song entitled “GOD WILL F*** YOU UP”, I’ve got my doubts.

Basically, The Catechism Cataclysm tells the tale of the world’s most infantile priest who, after being forcefully sent on leave, tracks down the loser he used to idolize in high school and convinces him to go on a canoe trip. Buddy comedy mayhem ensues for awhile until two Japanese girls named Tom and Huck show up with their mute pal Jim and things start to go really, really weird.

Look, I like priest comedies as much as the next Catholic. Even some of the ones that are purposely antagonistic towards my religion, like Father Ted, can have some funny moments. So I don’t want to dismiss this movie right away. But when you’ve got folks like Steven Rea from the Philadelphia Inquirer saying things like “It seems hopelessly without a point - unless the point has something to do with dropping a Bible into a dirty toilet.” and Leslie Stonebraker of the New York Press musing that “rather than use this premise as a set up for bible satire, the film relies on diarrhea jokes and uninspired buddy-bonding to carry us through an ill-plotted tale of damnation and redemption” then, well… let’s just say I’m not optimistic. Oh well, at least Bless Me Father is streaming on Netflix.

STILL VOICES #006

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: THE LAST LOVECRAFT: RELIC OF CTHULHU

The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu (2011)

• Kyle Davis,
• Devin McGinn,
• Matt Bauer

Jeff is an ordinary guy that is stuck at a dead end job with a boring life, but when a strange old man gives him an Ancient relic and tells him that he is the last bloodline of H.P. Lovecraft, He and his friend Charlie embark on an adventure to protect the relic piece from falling into the hands of the Starspawn and his minions that wish to reunite the relic and release Cthulhu back into the world.

54% want to see it

Unrated

Director: Henry Saine

 

September 18, 2011: Twenty-Fifth Sunday in Ordinary Time (Year A)

What with flicks like The Dunwich Horror and Dagon, we’re certainly no strangers to Lovecraft inspired movies here at the B-Movie Catechism. But Lovecraft inspired comedies? Yeah, not so much. I suppose that’s because tales of near omnipotent cosmic aliens whose very existence causes madness and mutations in those who perceive them just doesn’t seem like the kind of material designed to induce belly laughs. But you know what, The Last Lovecraft manages to pull it off for the most part. It does so, like a number of recent movies, by taking the template of Sean of the Dead and replacing certain superficial elements while keeping the overall tone. So, instead of Sean’s circle of underachieving working class Londoners, Last Lovecraft gives you a handful of underachieving aging comic book fanboys. And instead of zombies, you get fishmen. Gooey fishmen. Suckered fishmen. Hapless half-breed gill-slitted fishmen. Lots and lots of fishmen.

Now, it’s true that The Last Lovecraft never quite generates the same level of emotional investment in the characters that Sean of the Dead does, but the humor mostly makes up for it. If you’re at all familiar with H. P.’s mythos, then you’ll probably find plenty to smile about. There’s the cliff notes style animated history of the elder gods versus the dinosaurs, the sequence in which the boys train to battle Cthulhu using swimming pool noodles as tentacles, and, of course, the reclusive Captain Olaf, who lives in an RV in the middle of the desert (because there’s no water around) and beguiles strangers with his charming tales of “whole heapings of fish rape”. But even if you’re not up to speed on the entire Lovecraft library, you can still laugh at the all too real stuff such as the portly comic book freak in his XXL “my other pet is a shoggoth” t-shirt who tries to flee from the fishmen only to run out of breath after about 20 yards.

Okay, so that last one sounds a little mean, but it’s all in self-deprecating fun. The movie actually lovingly plays up to the fantasy of every comic book geek in the world… the chance to defeat a great evil and save the world. In that aspect, the movie leans more towards August Derleth’s interpretation of the Cthulhu mythos than it does to H. P. Lovecraft’s original vision, at least according to the various works cited on the Cthulhu Wiki. “Common themes in Lovecraft's fiction are the insignificance of humanity in the universe and the search for knowledge ending in disaster. Humans are often subject to powerful beings and other cosmic forces, but these forces are not so much malevolent as they are indifferent toward humanity. Lovecraft called this viewpoint Cosmicism, a doctrine which holds that humankind's religious beliefs are a mere conceit and that ultimately humanity is alone and defenseless in an uncaring universe.” In contrast, “Derleth had his own take on the mythos and tried to make it conform to his own Catholic values and dualism. Instead of a universe of meaninglessness and chaos, Derleth's mythos is a struggle of good versus evil… Derleth further distorted Lovecraft's vision by concocting a parallel to the Christian narrative of Satan warring against Heaven, pairing the devils of Lovecraft's mythos (the Old Ones) against a race of benevolent Elder Gods with humanity's fate hanging in the balance.”

Well, whether Mr. Derleth distorted or (gasp) improved on Lovecraft’s Yog-Sothothism is an argument I’ll leave to the frothing fanboys, but the comparing and contrasting of the two approaches is telling in some respects. You see, a lot of the horror in Lovecraft hinges on the sheer alien nature of the old ones and the inability of the human mind to comprehend them. What you don’t understand will drive you mad. But things don’t quite work that way when you overlay Christianity on top of it all. And it’s not because religion offers answers to everything. You see, while the Catechism makes it explicitly clear that God “calls man to seek him, to know him”, this week’s first reading reminds us that our knowledge of God has its limits. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways, says the LORD. As high as the heavens are above the earth, so high are my ways above your ways and my thoughts above your thoughts.” In a certain sense, excepting what small portion of Himself He’s reveals through Christ and The Holy Spirit, the eternally omnipotent, omnipresent, omnibenevolent, omniscient, Christian God who exists both inside and outside of time and space is just as ungraspable and alien to the human mind as any fictional elder god poor old Lovecraft’s fevered little brain could ever cook up.

The difference is that while Cthulhu and his pals, consistent with Lovecraft’s real life atheistic worldview, couldn’t give a rat’s ass about humanity and see us only in utilitarian terms, the vast unimaginable creative force behind the universe that is God knows each and every one of us individually. And while that’s scary in its own right, especially if you’re up to something He doesn’t like, it’s also comforting because, as this week’s responsorial Psalm points out, “The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and of great kindness. The LORD is good to all and compassionate toward all his works. The Lord is near to all who call upon him.” So go ahead and keep searching for God, keep trying to grasp what little of himself He has revealed to us, even if there’s no way in this life you’ll comprehend but a fraction of it all. Trust me, the amount of peace and love you’ll find in that little bit is more than enough to bring about a continuous tentacle-free transformation in your life. Really, given the benefits, the only madness in searching for God is not searching at all.

THEY’RE BAAAAACK!

It’s time again for the annual Catholic Cannonball Awards (or as we like to call them around here, the no-chance-in-hell-of-winning awards) over at the Crescat. Looks like this year we’ve been nominated for Best Under Appreciated Blog (not true, but thanks anyway) and Best Bat Shit Crazy Blog (not sure about the best, but I concede the rest). Hop on over if you have the time and vote for someone. Oh, I think you can vote daily, so be sure to visit more than once and spread some love around.

STILL VOICES #005

This one’s in honor of yesterday’s release of… Lego Star Wars: The Padawan Menace. Seriously, it’s great, you should watch it immediately. And it absolutely won’t tick you off like some high priced super fantastical special edition Blu-Rays I can think of.

SHORT FEATURE – JUST YOU, JUST ME

You know, after all the garbage I had to deal with last month, you can’t blame me for thinking I might catch a little break this month. Alas, life had to get in just one more slap in the face today. But you know what, sometimes I just can’t seem to get too worked up about things. It’s like the Catechism says, “true happiness is not found in riches or well-being, in human fame or power, or in any human achievement - however beneficial it may be - such as science, technology, and art, or indeed in any creature, but in God alone, the source of every good and of all love.” And having internalized that truth as best I can, well, sometimes I just feel so grateful and full of God’s happiness that I get a little giddy, no matter what’s going on. And that’s okay, because as the Bible tells us, there is a time to weep and a time to mourn, but darn it… there’s also a time to dance.

“Dear Lord, I do not know what will happen to me today. I only know that nothing will happen that was not foreseen by You, and directed to my greater good from all eternity. I adore Your holy and unfathomable plans, and submit to them with all my heart for love of You, the Pope, and the Immaculate Heart of Mary. Amen.”

STILL VOICES #004

REMEMBERING

The World Trade Center makes an appearance in the background of Robot Holocaust. Trust us, it’s the only culturally relevant thing in the film. This and hundreds of other similar images can be found at The World Trade Center in Movies. (H/T to Kindertrauma) Peruse, remember, and, perhaps, offer a small prayer.

Eternal memory. Eternal memory. Grant to your servants, O Lord, blessed repose and eternal memory.

STILL VOICES #003

THE B-LIST: SIGNS, SIGNS, EVERYWHERE A SIGN

For obvious reasons, we love one-sheets around these parts, particularly when it comes to exploitation movies. In fact, if you’ve seen the posters for some of the films we discuss on this blog, then you know the advertising artwork can often be better than the movies themselves. I mean, look at this! What’s not to love?

But as campy and outlandish as some of our homegrown one-sheets can be here in the states (especially the ones produced before Photoshop practically killed the art), they pale in comparison to what the folks in Ghana started cranking out in the 1980s. If you don’t believe me, then just take a gander at this list of 20 of the most awesome movie posters you may never have seen before.

If these remind you of fairground art, you’re not that far off. During the early 80s, the advent of the video cassette allowed entrepreneurial Ghanaians to create mobile cinemas (basically a TV, a VCR, and a generator) which moved from town to town exhibiting films the populace couldn’t otherwise see. And in order to advertise these travelling roadshows, the distributors hired artists to hand paint posters. Unfortunately, about all the artists had to work with were some oil paints, a bunch of old flour sacks for canvas, and a few film stills from a movie they’d never even heard of. Oh, and they also had a ton of imagination. So that Cujo poster may not be exactly accurate as far as the movie (or real life for that matter) is concerned, but man is it ever undeniably cool.

You know, back in my teens when I was hanging out at the local multiplex, I assure you I gave little thought to the idea that half way across the world people were crowding into a small tent somewhere in Ghana to watch Raiders Of The Lost Ark on a fuzzy TV screen. They may as well have been on another planet. Fortunately, age often takes care of that kind of ignorance. But with such vastly different life experiences, it does make a person wonder sometimes how the peoples of the world will ever be able to come together in mutual understanding. And then you remember…

Of the approximately 16 million Christians in Ghana, only around five million of them are still Catholic. But as the video above demonstrates, one of the special things about the Catholic Church is the uniformity of the mass. Yeah, yeah, I know, uniformity, how boring right? But it serves a particular purpose. As the Catechism reminds us, “As early as the second century we have the witness of St. Justin Martyr for the basic lines of the order of the Eucharistic celebration. They have stayed the same until our own day for all the great liturgical families… The liturgy of the Eucharist unfolds according to a fundamental structure which has been preserved throughout the centuries down to our own day. It displays two great parts that form a fundamental unity: - the gathering, the liturgy of the Word, with readings, homily and general intercessions; - the liturgy of the Eucharist, with the presentation of the bread and wine, the consecratory thanksgiving, and communion.”

So what that means is that if someone like me were to travel to Ghana, I might have no clue as to why these guys are carrying a dead person around in a large fish…

… but thanks to the maintaining of a centuries old structure, I could walk into a Ghanaian mass on Sunday morning and instantly be able to participate despite the cultural and language barrier. In essence, the sameness of the mass around the world links us together as children of God and becomes to the rest of the world an outward visible sign of the universal Church. Not a bad idea to keep in mind the next time you’re feeling a little bored with that same old mass.

STILL VOICES #002

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU

Somewhere back around 485 BC, a Greek physicist-philosopher named Parmenides postulated the theory that a void in nature cannot exist. Although the veracity of that statement has been a source of argument ever since, it hasn’t stopped anybody from using the idiom ‘nature abhors a vacuum' to express the idea that empty or unfilled spaces are unnatural and nature will rush to fill them whenever they occur. I’ve no idea if that’s true in every case, but I couldn’t help but notice that during my recent hiatus, reviews of bad movies started popping up all around the Catholic blogosphere.

For instance, no sooner does D.G.D Davidson get back to blogging over at the Sci-Fi Catholic than he decides to go see the low budget ‘found footage’ thriller Apollo 18, only to find “that the most entertaining part of the movie… was sitting next to a NASA buff who could tell me everything Apollo 18 got wrong.”

Meanwhile, Matt Archbold takes some time at the National Catholic Register to discuss the dismal box office failure of the first self proclaimed overtly pro-atheist movie, The Ledge, a movie so wretched it couldn’t even “pull the atheists out of Catholic comboxes for even 90 minutes.” Riffing on Matt’s thoughts, Carl Olson at Ignatius Insights reaches the conclusion that not only are so many atheists “rebels without a cause… now, apparently, they are moviemakers without an audience.”

Drawing in a much larger audience, but apparently being only slightly less stinky, is Shark Night 3D, which gets a thorough going over at Fr. Dennis at the Movies. Amidst all the redneck carnage, the good father does manage to find two insights in the film, but not without asking himself, “Am I reading _way too much_ into this film?” (Maybe, Father, but that’s just the kind of thing we appreciate around here.)

Now, after all that, if you’ve still got room for a little more bad cinema, then head on over to the Word On Fire blog. It seems that while Fr. Robert Barron has been busy watching Woody Allen and getting the Catholicism project out the door, the task has fallen to Fr. Steve Grunow to sit through the reboots of both Conan (where he ponders the Christian alternative vision to Nietzsche (even though the movie doesn’t bother to do the same) and Fright Night (in which he notices a tiny bit of subtext regarding the banality of suburban ennui).

Surprised that Word On Fire would waste time of B-movies? Don’t be. Heck, even the venerable First Things is getting into the act with Ethan Cordray asking THE question of our time, “What’s with all these dang zombies?”

You know, if all these nice folks keep up these kind of viewing habits, I’m gonna be out of a job. If all this encroaching on my territory continues, I might just need to get ready to defend myself. Fortunately, inspired by the movie Priest (Seriously? I thought the only thing Priest inspired was vomit.), the Den of Geek’s Nick Horton decided to spend a day training as a Christian style warrior monk. And while the “monks” doing the teaching are a bit suspect, the Tower Manuscript from which the sword and buckler techniques were derived is quite real, having been penned by a German cleric sometime in the 1300s. So it looks like I’ve got some practicing to do. See you later, assuming I don’t skewer myself between now and then.

STILL VOICES #001

While I was filling out the Thirty Movies, One Day, Six Words Each meme the other day, I realized that my every post didn’t necessarily need to be as verbose as they typically are. So I thought, what would happen if I combined a single film still with a short bible verse? Could be interesting. Or dumb. But I’ll try to keep them interesting. To start out this new series, here’s one for the ladies.

SHORT FEATURE: HELL’S BELLS

After watching The Sentinel, you couldn’t blame a person for thinking about hell just a little bit. Well, at least those of us who still believe such a place exists anyway. According to the 2008 Pew Forum survey, only 59% of the general population still considers hell real, which isn’t all that surprising considering not everybody in the country is religious. But what is odd is that only about 60% of Catholics accept hell’s existence despite the fact that the Catechism makes it perfectly clear that “the Church affirms the existence of hell and its eternity.” Explain that one to me. Maybe part of the reason is that hell has been reduced in the public mind to images like this…

Satan. What a jerk, huh? Still, if you’re gonna work for a guy like that, you can’t really be expecting a nice benefits package can you? But even with that, there’s certainly not a whole lot in Disney hell to convince people of its reality, much less to try and avoid it. You know, maybe Cardinal Ratzinger’s Introduction To Christianity can offer a more sobering take on the subject. When considering how to explain what hell is, the future Pope Benedict XVI had this to say, “No one really knows the answer because we all live on this side of death and are unfamiliar with the experience of death… One thing is certain: there exists a night into whose solitude no voice reaches; there is a door through which we can only walk alone – the door of death. In the last analysis all the fear in the world is fear of this loneliness. From this point of view, it is possible to understand why the Old Testament has only one word for hell and death, the word sheol; it regards them as ultimately identical. Death is absolute loneliness. But the loneliness into which love can no longer advance is – hell.”

Whether it’s accompanied by a fiery pit or not, a hell of loneliness is definitely one people can believe in. In fact, it’s one we’ve all had a taste of right here on earth. And it’s one we can begin to fight, right here and now. Yes, the Church needs our tithes and our talents. But what it also needs is for us to notice the people around us who are feeling trapped and alone and to reach out to them, let them know someone is there, advance our love into their loneliness as the Pope would say. It really takes so little to turn a taste of hell into a touch of heaven.

THE B-LIST LIST: THANKS FOR THE MEME-RIES

Over at her Shredded Cheddar blog, Enbrethiliel recently passed along a movie review meme that I just can’t help but take a shot at. It’s called Thirty Movies, One Day, Six Words Each. Of course, the trick here isn’t just to choose 30 films and review them in six words each, but to make sure they’re this blog’s kind of movies, if not in budget, at least in subject matter. And just to make it more challenging, I’m going to try and throw in some six word catechesis as well. But enough talk, let’s get started. (And remember, even though we’ve reviewed some of these movies in the past, this is not a recommended watch list. A few of these I’m not proud of having seen.)

#1 -- One of Your Favorite Movies
(But Not Your Favorite Favorite)

PRINCE OF DARKNESS
Satan studied quantum physics, who knew?
(Religion and science coexist quite nicely.)

#2 -- A Movie You Hate
(Or Just Plain Really, Really Don't Like)

LEGION
I’ll never stop pooping on Legion.
(Better catechesis would stop these movies.)

#3 -- A Movie You Watch With Friends

 

FLASH GORDON
Cheese with a side of cheese.
(Savior of the universe? Job taken.)

#4 -- A Movie That Pleasantly Surprised You

 

THE GATE
Entertaining creepfest not just for kiddies.
(Unless you turn, become like children...)

#5 -- A Movie That Disappointed You Terribly

 

BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA
B.S. Dracula you mean. Not Stoker's.
(C'mon, call a monster a monster.)

#6 -- A Movie from Your Childhood

 

THEY CALL HER ONE EYE (A.K.A. THRILLER: A CRUEL PICTURE)
Rape. Murder. Addiction. Prostitution. Eye gouging.
(Monitor what your kids watch. Seriously.)

#7 -- A Movie from Your Childhood That You Hated

 

IT'S ALIVE
Just the commercial gave me nightmares.
(Oddly pro-life given the subject matter.)

#8 -- A Movie You Watched on a Date

EVILS OF THE NIGHT
My date chose it, blame her!
(Passing the buck, just like Adam.)

#9 -- A Drinking Game Movie

HOUSE BY THE CEMETERY
Bob. Bob. Bob. B-o-o-o-b. Bob? Bob!
(Jesus loves little children. Even Bob.)

#10 -- An Action Movie

 

ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (THE ORIGINAL)
Even the women are tough guys.
(Remember, fortitude is a cardinal virtue.)

#11 -- A Comedy

 

STUDENT BODIES
Best death by eggplant ever filmed.
(Premarital sex is bad for you.)

#12 -- A Romantic Comedy

PSYCHOS IN LOVE
Grape hating sociopaths find wedded bliss.
(Hey, at least they got married.)

#13 -- A Thriller/Horror Movie

 

LAKE MUNGO
Found footage film that actually works.
(All that is seen AND unseen.)

#14 -- A Sci-Fi/Fantasy Movie

 

MESSAGE FROM SPACE
Most honorable Japanese Star Wars rip-off.
(I prefer God's call, no walnuts.)

#15 -- An Indie Film

GINGER SNAPS
Lycanthropy? Puberty? Teenage girls. No difference.
(Kids ignore you. Teach them anyway.)

#16 -- A Documentary/Biopic

GOTHIC
Byron and Shelley ala Ken Russell.
(God is truth. History? Apparently flexible.)

#17 -- A Musical

 

PHANTOM OF THE PARADISE
Dr. Jekyll meets Faust meets Tommy
(The devil is a liar. Duh!)

#18 -- An Adaptation of a Book, TV Series, Etc.

THE HAUNTING (1963)
Best haunted house movie ever? Possibly.
(St. Dymphna, pray for us all.)

#19 -- A Movie Made before 1967

METROPOLIS
Every frame could be a painting.
(Head, heart and hands? That’s Church.)

#20 -- A Worthy Sequel/Remake/Reboot

INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS
Ain’t paranoia if they’re after you.
(Insert your modern atheist joke here.)

#21 -- A Sequel/Remake/Reboot That Wasn't Worth the Celluloid It Was Filmed On

ROB ZOMBIE'S HALLOWEEN
Impossible to review without using profanity.
(How some Catholic's see the "Reformation".)

#22 -- A Movie That Made You Cry

BEN
Dying rat, dying crippled boy, tearjerker.
(Love animals, but not like humans.)

#23 -- A Movie You Walked Out Of
(Or Straight Up Stopped Watching)

SARAH SILVERMAN: JESUS IS MAGIC
No laughs after twenty minutes. Stop.
(Thoughtless chatter,  immoderate laughter. Venial sins.)

#24 -- A Movie You Watched for Comfort Food

 

PANDEMONIUM
Guaranteed smiles each and every time.
(Glad hearts make cheerful countenances. Proverbs.)

#25 -- A Well-Liked Movie That You Don't Care For

AVATAR
James Cameron’s Dancing With Space Wolves
(Be stewards of nature, not worshippers.)

#26 -- A Movie You Love That Many Do Not

 

STARSHIP TROOPERS
Failed satire. Everybody missed the joke.
(No religion in this society? Hmmm.)

#27 -- A Movie You Can Quote Extensively

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA
Chinese have a lot of Hells.
(One hell is enough, avoid it.)

#28 -- A Movie with a Celebrity Crush

RETURN FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN
Telekinetic space teens vs. Bette Davis!
(Can’t regain innocence, can nurture chastity.)

#29 -- The Last Movie You Watched

THE MONSTER CLUB
Good old reliable Amicus anthology fun.
(Minor prophets. Short stories, big lessons.)

#30 -- Another Favorite That's Not Your Favorite Movie

DEAD & BURIED
Classy horror with Twilight Zone vibe.
(Actually, Christians aren’t staying dead either.)

Well, that was long, but a few more quick notes: (6) My sister took me to see this at a drive-in when I was in the second grade. God bless her, she regrets a lot of things these days. (8) In all fairness, my date asked to leave after 15 minutes, which I gentlemanly obliged. (22) In my defense, I was only six when I saw this in the theater. My sister cried too. (23) Really gonna have to do a post about laughter sometime soon. (26) Okay, love’s a bit strong of a word. (28) C’mon, what eleven year old didn’t fall for Kim Richards in this movie, ugly red suit and all? (29) Remember, the Pope recommended the minor prophets for light vacation reading.

And for a last bit of useless trivia: It’s been conjectured that in scripture the number thirty (3 x 10) often marks THE right moment. For example, Joseph was 30 when he became Vizier of Egypt, David was 30 when he ascended to the throne, and Jesus was 30 years old when he began His ministry. Be that as it may, it’s certainly the right moment to end this post. See you next time.