PULP CATHOLICISM #053

THE B-LIST: 5 FRANKENSTEIN POSTERS BETTER THAN I, FRANKENSTEIN

For Aleteia this past week I reviewed the new pro-life drama, Gimme Shelter. Despite the glowing reviews from Bishops around the world, I have to admit I was hesitant to watch it because of a few reasons, not the least of which was the presence of Vanessa Hudgens in the lead role. Fortunately, though, it turns out she can actually act, so it all worked out. Besides, my only other choice for the week was I, Frankenstein. I know, you’re probably thinking that sounds like just the kind of movie I’d want to watch given the nature of this blog. But really, take a look at the one-sheet for the movie…

Now, does that hunk of photoshopped crapola inspire anyone in anyway to want to see I, Frankenstein? No, it didn’t me either. What in the world happened to fun movie posters? It used to be that a decent poster alone could be enough to make you want to empty your pockets and buy a ticket. Just take a look at the following Frankenstein posters and you’ll see what I mean.

Frankenstein Conquers The World (1965)

Frankenstein Island (1981)

I Was A Teenage Frankenstein (1957)

Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell (1973)

Frankenstein Meets The Space Monster (1965)

Now those are real posters! They make these films look like a blast. Who wouldn’t want to see these movies after looking at those things. I know I did, because I’ve seen them all now. My only regret is that I didn’t get a pair of them there space shield eye protectors the last poster promised. I could sure use those for some of the movies I watch around here.

Now I’m sure you’ve heard the old saying that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Well, for the most part it’s true. I don’t know exactly how many people shelled out a few bucks to see any of these epics but it has to be more than went and saw I, Frankenstein this past weekend. That movie bombed hard. And I would have to guess that part of the reason is because the advertising for the thing was joyless. Look at that poster for I, Frankenstein again. Could it make the film look any more like a slog than it already does? I don’t know, maybe if they added a picture of Bill Maher standing in the background or something.

People respond to a joyful presentation. Just ask Pope Francis. In a homily back in May 2013, The Pontiff poked a little fun at Christians who look dour all the time. “Sometimes these melancholic Christians' faces have more in common with pickled peppers than the joy of having a beautiful life.” His Holiness noted. “If we keep this joy to ourselves it will make us sick in the end, our hearts will grow old and wrinkled and our faces will no longer transmit that great joy, only nostalgia and melancholy which is not healthy.”

Of course, Pope Francis wasn’t implying we should walk around all the time grinning like an idiot. “If we want to have fun all the time, in the end it becomes shallow, superficial, and also leads us to that state where we lack Christian wisdom.” he explained, “It makes us a little bit stupid, naive, no?… Joy is something else. Joy is a gift from the Lord. It fills us from the inside.” And being filled with that joy, it should show up on our faces whenever possible. And in those sad times when it’s not, it can still be expressed in our demeanor. Trust me, just like with the movie posters, people will respond better to a happy package.

PULP CATHOLICISM #052

Hey, everybody! Believe it or not, this post marks the 52nd Pulp Catholicism cartoon. That means I’ve been posting one of these things every Wednesday for a year now. They haven’t all been great, but at least they’ve been consistent, right? As I mentioned in a previous post, if page hits are any indication, Pulp Catholicism is actually one of the more popular things I do here at The B-Movie Catechism, which is kind of odd since this is ostensibly a movie/television blog and not a web-comic. But hey, if you like’em, I guess I’ll keep cranking them out till the well runs dry (or until enough people beg me to stop). My thanks to you all for putting up with me while I scratch my cartooning itch. I’ll see you next time.

WEEKLY NEWSREEL

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea, welcome to another edition of the Newsreel. Despite all the budget cuts around the globe, some scientists are still securing grants to conduct studies. Let’s take a look at a few, why don’t we.

DATELINE: LONDON - According to a semi-serious study published in the British Medical Journal, “James Bond's famous catchphrase ‘shaken, not stirred’ may have stemmed from his inability to stir his drinks due to an alcohol-induced tremor affecting his hands.” Basing their assumptions on Bond’s alcohol consumption in Fleming’s original novels, the researchers determined that 007 drank more than four times the recommended limit of alcohol and probably had the shakes because of it. “We have shown that Bond's alcohol intake is of sufficiently high frequency and duration to cause such cerebellar damage,’ the researchers said. ‘He was unlikely to be able to stir his drinks, even if he would have wanted to.” We suppose that’s just another reason the Catechism suggests we cultivate the virtue of temperance to help us “avoid every kind of excess: the abuse of food, alcohol, tobacco, or medicine.” After all, we wouldn’t want a vice to cause us to develop the shakes right as we’re trying to disarm that nuclear warhead in the depths of Fort Knox.

DATELINE: QUEENSLAND – By comparing the demographics of the survivors of the Titanic and the Lusitania, researchers at the Queensland University of Technology have determined that “the time people have during survival situations might affect whether they behave selfishly or socially.” According to the study published in The Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, male passengers who had a longer time to consider their impending doom tended to act more chivalrously and in line with social expectations, whereas those who had little time to think things over seemed to follow an every man for himself course of action. As the article explains it, “when facing danger, a person's brain creates a surge of adrenaline, helping them to react quickly. This fight-or-flight reflex may last a few minutes. Not until the immediate threat has passed or the brain hormones stabilize do higher-order thoughts, such as social considerations, come back into play.” From a Catholic standpoint this seems reasonable, as the Church, following Aquinas, recognizes self preservation as a fundamental good. The Catechism notes that “love toward oneself remains a fundamental principle of morality. Therefore it is legitimate to insist on respect for one's own right to life. Someone who defends his life is not guilty of murder.” But quoting the Gospel of John, it also reminds us that “greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” In short, while the men who abandoned ship on the Lusitania shouldn’t be judged too harshly, those who remained on the Titanic so women and children might live are to be praised.

DATELINE: THE INTERNET – A massive online survey of 39 people indicates that humans may use the same aural clues to determine the emotional states of babies as they do that of dogs. According to the results, “shorter calls—whether human or dog—were regarded as more emotionally positive than longer calls; and higher pitched samples were rated as more emotionally intense than lower pitched sounds for both species.” Why bother testing the obvious, you might ask? Well, “by following these same simple rules, they conclude, it may be possible to develop easily recognized artificial emotions in social robots.” Yes, it looks like scientists are already doing their best to find a way to make Spike Jonze’s Her a reality. You can read the reviews by Sr. Helena & Catholic Skywalker to find out why that might not be such a great idea.

And on that cryptic note, we’ll leave you, as always, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.

NOW SHOWING AT A BLOG NEAR YOU

Ugh. The January movie season is underway, which means it’s time to put awards season behind me and once again start reviewing exceptionally average motion pictures. Case in point, Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit, which I took in for Aleteia this week. Watch it. Forget it. Move on.

But while not every new release is Academy Award material, it turns out that some films you’ve never heard of actually are. Peter T. Chattaway at Filmchat has the scoop on the Christian indie that managed to sneak into the Best Original Song category this year. You can listen to the song here. It’s a straight up worship piece, so I would expect it to fall on mostly deaf ears amongst Academy voters.

Speaking of things people probably don’t want to hear, it appears K. V. Turley at Crisis Magazine has gotten wind of the upcoming NBC remake of Rosemary’s Baby. Just what we needed, right, another unnecessary reimagining? Who knows, maybe it’ll actually turn out be a quality production. But even if it is, the whole exercise brings to Mr. Turley’s mind a few sobering thoughts about curiosity and the supernatural.

Not to be outdone by Turley’s lack of enthusiasm for a single movie, Foxfier at Catholic Stand takes a look at an entire genre and finds some awful examples of theology that are popping up in modern vampire stories. While you’re there, you might want to check in on Foxfier’s colleague, Bob Kurland, who takes some time to ponder the nagging question, “Does Yoda have a soul?”

Ah, Star Wars, it never stops providing fodder for articles. If you’re in the mood for something a little less blockbustery, then perhaps you’ll want to check out Joss Whedon’s Cabin In The Woods, which Enbrethiliel over at Shredded Cheddar finds has some interesting connections with The Holy Innocents.

Stepping away from movies for a minute, If page hits are any indication, it would seem my Pulp Catholicism cartoon series is one of the more popular items here at the B-Movie Catechism. But I’m hardly the only one out there having fun with Catholics and cartooning. If you haven’t run across Jeff B. Harris at Sword of Peter yet, be sure to stop by and check out his work.

And finally, just for fun, the multi-talented Roo Raymond has started producing a series of songs based on old B-Movies for the No-Budget Nightmares podcast. A ballad inspired by Boardinghouse? A composition for Cannibal Campout? These flicks are tough enough to make it through as they are, much less sit down and write songs about them. Be sure to stop by and show Roo some love for his effort.

That should keep you busy for awhile. See you next time.

PULP CATHOLICISM #051

SHORT FEATURE – FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been catching up on some of the Oscar bait still floating around cinemas, flicks like American Hustle and Saving Mr. Banks. Both movies have performances in them deserving of nominations, but you can never tell who will finally get the nod. That’s because studios will spend anywhere from $200,000 to a few million dollars in promotions just to help secure an individual nomination, and if your performance doesn’t have such a campaign behind it, then you can pretty much forget hearing your name called on Oscar night no matter how good you were. The promotional wars have escalated so much in recent years that some people believe they’ve gone too far…

All that money and effort for a little gold statue. Well, that and somewhere between a 40 to 50 percent increase in box office returns after your film gets nominated. Everybody has their own idea of a proper reward, I suppose.

Even we Christians have an award in mind if we’re honest about things. That being said, however, it’s one that’s quite a bit better than a statue or a few million dollars. Quoting  St. Augustine, the Catechism tells us that “desire for true happiness frees man from his immoderate attachment to the goods of this world so that he can find his fulfillment in the vision and beatitude of God… There will true glory be, where no one will be praised by mistake or flattery; true honor will not be refused to the worthy, nor granted to the unworthy…  God himself will be virtue's reward; he gives virtue and has promised to give himself as the best and greatest reward that could exist.” I’ll take that over a statue any day.

BMC MOVIE OF THE WEEK: STALKER

“Russian director Andrei Tarkovsky's Stalker, an allegorical science fiction film like his earlier Solaris, was adapted from the novel Picnic by the Roadside by brothers Boris Strugatsky and Arkady Strugatsky. The film follows three men -- the Scientist (Nikolai Grinko), the Writer (Anatoliy Solonitsyn), and the Stalker (Alexander Kaidanovsky) -- as they travel through a mysterious and forbidden territory in the Russian wilderness called the "Zone." In the Zone, nothing is what it seems. Objects change places, the landscape shifts and rearranges itself. It seems as if an unknown intelligence is actively thwarting any attempt to penetrate its borders. In the Zone, there is said to be a bunker, and in the bunker: a magical room which has the power to make wishes come true. The Stalker is the hired guide for the journey who has, through repeated visits to the Zone, become accustomed to its complex traps, pitfalls, and subtle distortions. Only by following his lead (which often involves taking the longest, most frustrating route) can the Writer and the Scientist make it alive to the bunker and the room. As the men travel farther into the Zone, they realize it may take something more than just determination to succeed: it may actually take faith. Increasingly unsure of their deepest desires, they confront the room wondering if they can, in the end, take responsibility for the fulfillment of their own wishes.” – rovi’s AllMovie Guide

January 12, 2014: Feast of the Baptism of the Lord (Year A)

In the opinion of Mark Adomanis, as stated in a 2013 article for Forbes Magazine, “Russia is a country that, quite obviously, has a lot of problems. Its political system is repressive, its economy is riddled with corruption, its population is aging (or, depending on your interpretation, dying out), people drink a lot,  the railroads are in bad shape and the roads in worse, and the weather sucks. As if that litany of terrors wasn’t enough, Russia also has the great misfortune of having rude and unhelpful dry cleaners. Given all of those problems, it’s a small miracle the country still exists at all.” The sad thing is, Adomanis was actually writing that article to point out how much better Russia is today than it was just a few short decades ago. You know, back around the time Andrei Tarkovsky made Stalker.

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say Stalker is bleak, so much so that the setting alone is probably enough to encourage thoughts of suicide in some people. Tarkovsky modeled the Zone to which his protagonists travel after the area surrounding Mayak, the Russian nuclear weapons facility which suffered an accident in 1957 and subsequently dumped untold amounts of toxic waste into the nearby countryside. According to one document, “hundreds of square miles were left barren and unusable for decades and maybe centuries. Hundreds of people died, thousands were injured and surrounding areas were evacuated.” When a group of scientists were allowed into the region in 1992, they declared the area the most polluted spot on Earth. So the movie has that going for it visually.

Of course, the director is Tarkovsky, so all the barren desolation is some of the best looking barren desolation you’re likely to see. The man’s an artist, after all, and this is an art film. Oh, I know Stalker’s always located in the sci-fi section when you try to find it to rent, but that’s just a technicality. Other than the conceit of the room that inexplicably grants wishes and a couple of scenes of a glass being moved across a table by telekinesis, there’s nothing particularly sci-fi about the film. What there is a lot of talking. Talking about life, philosophy, politics, love, and lots of other serious stuff. Talking while sitting on rocks looking at the sky, talking while leaning against half collapsed buildings, talking while lying in streams watching debris float just beneath the surface. That, my friends, is art.

And it’s imperative you know that it’s art before you press play on Stalker, because it’s three full hours of art. So if you’re hoping for three hours of robots, time travel, and aliens, don’t bother with Stalker. But if three hours of talking, albeit good looking talking, sounds like something you’re in the mood for, then this is the movie for you. Don’t get me wrong, it’s really interesting talking, full of big ideas, existential angst, and metaphysical musings. Oh, and there’s enough allegory to write a thesis on. I mean, come on, the main characters are the Professor, the Writer, and the Stalker. So if you guessed there’s a lot of arguing about the conflicts between science, art, and religion, award yourself a kewpie doll. But still, it’s a lot of talking.

If you can stick with it, though, you might just find the slog worth it. There’s a reason Stalker has a rare 100% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, and it’s not just because we movie critics are pretentious snobs (well, not all of us anyway). The imagery and the ideas stick with you, and there’s so many notions thrown out there that you can revisit the movie multiple times and find a new train of thought to follow each time. One scene can set you off musing for hours. Take the moment when the trio finally makes it to The Room, for example. At points along the journey, they’ve been discussing a previous stalker named The Porcupine who made his way through the Zone with the intention of asking the Room to restore his dying brother’s health. Instead, The Room fulfills The Porcupine’s secret desire for wealth, at which point he commits suicide out of guilt (guilt, mind you, not simply because of the setting). The men come to understand that The Room grants a heart’s true longing, not necessarily a person’s spoken wishes. With that knowledge, they’re faced with the dilemma of whether or not they should actually enter The Room, lest their hearts reveal the truth about what they really want most in this world.

It’s a sobering scenario to contemplate on this day celebrating the baptism of Jesus. As the Catechism notes, “Jesus' public life begins with his baptism by John in the Jordan… The baptism of Jesus is on his part the acceptance and inauguration of his mission as God's suffering Servant.” And his mission passes on to all who are baptized in his name. “By Baptism they share in the priesthood of Christ, in his prophetic and royal mission… Having become a member of the Church, the person baptized belongs no longer to himself, but to him who died and rose for us. From now on, he is called to be subject to others, to serve them in the communion of the Church, and to ‘obey and submit’ to the Church's leaders, holding them in respect and affection… ‘Reborn as sons of God, [the baptized] must profess before men the faith they have received from God through the Church’ and participate in the apostolic and missionary activity of the People of God.”

But what would The Room actually reveal for those of us who have been baptized were we to venture into The Zone to find it? Would our heart’s desire really be to carry out God’s mission, to do the things it requires? Or would there be other stuff in there which we’ve put first? What would The Room show us? Would we really want to find out, or would we find ourselves like the Professor, the Writer, and the Stalker, frozen outside the doorway in fear of discovering what our heart’s truly treasure? A bleak thought? Maybe. But it is a Tarkovsky movie, after all. They can’t all be shiny robots and laser beams.

PULP CATHOLICISM #050

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 12: JOURNEY OF THE MAGI

“A cold coming we had of it, just the worst time of the year.”

So begins T. S. Eliot’s poem Journey of the Magi. Now we don’t usually do poetry here at The B-Movie Catechism. If we’re going to have any culture around these parts, we prefer it to start in a petri dish and then rapidly evolve into a city destroying mutant of gigantic proportions. Bonus points if it’s represented by a guy in a rubber suit instead of CGI.

But considering it’s the Feast of the Epiphany, which in part commemorates the visit of the three wise men, and the fact that the country is currently getting hammered by a polar vortex (look kids, the news channels have learned a new term and they’ve already run it into the ground), Eliot’s words seemed more than appropriate. Here’s the author himself reciting his work…

The poem is only 47 lines long, but Eliot packs a heck of a lot in there. These three lines alone…

Then we came to a tavern with vine-leaves over the lintel,
Six hands at an open door dicing for pieces of silver,
And feet kicking the empty wine-skins.

…reference communion, the Passover, the betrayal by Judas, the soldiers casting lots at the foot of the cross, and the new covenant via way of verses from Matthew we just discussed. Mostly, though, the poem is about a disgruntled old pagan who has recognized that the birth of Jesus has changed something fundamental about the world, but can’t quite put his finger on what. “Were we led all that way for Birth or Death?” he questions, not understanding it was both. Perhaps it is as A. David Moody suggests in his book Thomas Stearns Eliot: Poet, the magi’s lament “that this was all folly” “becomes a commonplace Christian paradox when we know that they were seeking Christ. We are under some pressure to supply the meaning they missed.” Jesus did his part, now we have to do ours. We’ve had our Christmas, now comes the time to work.

That sounds good anyway. But really, what do we know about fancy-schmancy poetry around here? Edwin Morgan’s The Loch Ness Monster’s Song is much more in line with our sensibilities.

Sssnnnwhuffffll?
Hnwhuffl hhnnwfl hnfl hfl?
Gdroblboblhobngbl gbl gl g g g g glbgl.
Drublhaflablhaflubhafgabhaflhafl fl fl –
gm grawwwww grf grawf awfgm graw gm.
Hovoplodok – doplodovok – plovodokot-doplodokosh?
Splgraw fok fok splgrafhatchgabrlgabrl fok splfok!
Zgra kra gka fok!
Grof grawff gahf?
Gombl mbl bl –
blm plm,
blm plm,
blm plm,
blp.

Ah, now that there’s poetry.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 11: I AM NOT NICE!

Ah, Christmas. Even a curmudgeon like myself softens up a bit at Christmastime. It’s like Bill Murray said in Scrooged, “It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we... we... we smile a little easier, we... w-w-we... we... we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be!” Now, if you think that’s hyperbole, then just take a look at this clip from He-Man & She-Ra: A Christmas Special. It seems even ol’ Skeletor isn’t immune to the charms of the season…

Of course, Skeletor being Skeletor, he doesn’t really want to cop to being a nice guy, even if it’s just for Christmas. I mean, even though his plans always fail and he has extremely poor judgment in choosing henchmen, he still needs to protect his credibility as the big bad on Eternia. So that explains why he insists on not advertising his lapse into niceness.

But what’s the deal with Jesus in today’s reading from the study of the Gospels in a Year? We see two blind men approach him and beg to be healed, which he does, but then, “Jesus sternly charged them, ‘See that no one knows it.’ But they went away and spread his fame through all that district.” That seems a little odd, doesn’t it? Skeletor’s reluctance to have his good deeds broadcast is understandable, but you would think Jesus would be okay with a little publicity. After all, it might help with spreading that whole “I’m the Messiah” thing.

Now some modern scholars have interpreted this seeming pattern in Jesus’ behavior (he does it multiple times in the Gospels), one which they have dubbed the “messianic secret”, as a result of later generations inserting these passages into Scripture to explain why Jesus wasn’t recognized by everyone as the messiah during his lifetime. And they had to do this because these scholars purport Jesus never actually claimed to be the messiah in the first place. The problem with that idea is that not only does Jesus actually once command a person to go and tell everything that happened, meaning the pattern was inconsistent, but even when he did instruct people to be silent, most of the time they blabbed anyway. So what would be the point of inserting something later, then saying it didn’t really work? Eh, sometimes modern scholarship just comes down to wishful thinking.

Pope Benedict XVI had a better idea. He thinks Jesus did this because he absolutely did know he was the messiah. “He knows in fact that to liberate humanity from the dominion of sin he must be sacrificed on the cross as the true paschal lamb. The devil, for his part, tries to divert his attention and direct it instead toward a human logic of a powerful and successful messiah.” In short, Jesus didn’t want too much fame to sidetrack the whole reason he came here for in the first place, which was the cross. “This is why he often admonishes the apostles and the sick people whom he heals to not reveal his identity to anyone… because the fulfillment of his mission is at stake, on which our salvation depends.”

Of course, the Pope wasn’t speaking infallibly when he gave his interpretation, but hey, it makes more sense than desperate contortions like the “messianic secret”. Heck, even Skeletor’s reasoning made more sense than that stuff.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 10: THE SOUND OF THE CITY

Depending on your frame of mind, one of the true pain and/or pleasures of watching a lot of old exploitation movies is how dated they seem. Me, I love it, especially when a film is trying desperately to be timely and relevant, but is already hopelessly out of date before it even hits the theaters. I mean, how can you not get a kick out of the painfully ‘hip’ dialog in 1950s juvenile delinquent movies like High School Hellcats or Untamed Youth? Or how about all those flower power flicks of the 60s like Psych-Out and Gas-s-s-s? But on trolling around message boards dealing with this topic, a suggestion came up for one movie in particular that I’m truly at a loss as to how it could possibly be topped in the dated part. Just take a gander at the film’s opening title sequence… IF YOU DARE!!!

If you suddenly feel the irresistible urge to go scrub your eyes with steel wool, I completely understand. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Okay, you’re back, good. So, where to begin? Steve Guttenberg? The roller skating? The disco music? STEVE GUTTENBERG ROLLING SKATING TO DISCO MUSIC!?! Just how locked in the year 1980 can one movie get? Oh yeah, there’s the fact that it’s the pseudo-biographical story of the formation of The Village People. Dear Lord, I bet even homosexuals, at least those under the age of 25, look at this thing and say to themselves, “Oh my, that’s a little too much.”  Can’t Stop The Music has to be the queen (no pun intended) mother of all dated movies.

If you’ve just got to incorporate easily dated references into your story, then you need to at least make sure the themes are timeless. Take Saturday Night Fever for example. It couldn’t reek more of the late 70s if it tried, and yet, along with addressing the time period it was made in, the movie also manages to address the general malaise and dissatisfaction that settles in when one chooses a life of hedonism.

You know who was good at pulling off that kind of thing? Jesus. In today’s reading from the study of the Gospels in a Year, Jesus is being grilled by the disciples of John the Baptist about why the Apostles don’t fast. “And Jesus said to them, ‘Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come, when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast. And no one puts a piece of unshrunk cloth on an old garment, for the patch tears away from the garment, and a worse tear is made. Neither is new wine put into old wineskins; if it is, the skins burst, and the wine is spilled, and the skins are destroyed; but new wine is put into fresh wineskins, and so both are preserved.”

Now the wineskin reference was a little dated even as Jesus was making it. Ceramic amphoras were the preferred method of storing mass quantities of wine at the time (that’s probably what was being used at the wedding in Cana) and barrels were already making an inroad. But the wineskins served the greater point. As the Ignatiius Bible Study explains it, “Fermenting wine is accompanied by a build-up of pressure. If kept in skins already used and dried out, the wine would certainly burst them. Jesus thus illustrates the impossibility of inaugurating the New Covenant while maintaining the Old. The abundance of New Covenant grace cannot be contained within the structures of the Old Covenant (cf. Jn 1:16). A new kingdom is needed to contain it - one fashioned to endure for ever.” So you see, even though the reference was to something of its time, the message was timeless. That’s how you do it. No Steve Guttenberg required.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 9: JOHANN GAMBOLPUTTY

I’m pretty sure there’s a law somewhere which states that every blog must reference Monty Python at least once a year. That being the case, let’s just go ahead and get it out of the way right here at the beginning.

So why do I bring up Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern – schplenden – schlitter – crasscrenbon – fried – digger – dingle – dangle – dongle – dungle – burstein – von – knacker – thrasher – apple – banger – horowitz – ticolensic – grander – knotty – spelltinkle – grandlich – grumblemeyer – spelterwasser – kurstlich – himbleeisen – bahnwagen – gutenabend – bitte – ein – nürnburger – bratwustle – gerspurten – mitz – weimache – luber – hundsfut – gumberaber – shönedanker – kalbsfleisch – mittler - aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?

Well, because we’ve just had the the optional feast day for the Holy Name of Jesus, that’s why. And as we’ve discussed before a couple of times, over the course of the years Jesus has collected a lot of names for himself, as exemplified by the impressive list found in the Litany of the Holy Name of Jesus, names such as Lord – Christ - God the Father of Heaven - God the Son, Redeemer of the world - God the Holy Spirit - Holy Trinity, one God - Jesus, Son of the living God - splendor of the Father - brightness of eternal light -King of glory - sun of justice - Son of the Virgin Mary - most amiable - most admirable - the mighty God - Father of the world to come - angel of great counsel - most powerful - most patient - most obedient - meek and humble of heart - lover of chastity - lover of us - God of peace - author of life - example of virtues - zealous lover of souls - our God - our refuge - father of the poor - treasure of the faithful - good Shepherd - true light - eternal wisdom - infinite goodness - our way and our life - joy of Angels - King of the Patriarchs - Master of the Apostles - teacher of the Evangelists - strength of Martyrs - light of Confessors - purity of Virgins - crown of Saints – Lamb of God.

So if nothing else, Jesus has the name thing in common with Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern – schplenden – schlitter – crasscrenbon – fried – digger – dingle – dangle – dongle – dungle – burstein – von – knacker – thrasher – apple – banger – horowitz – ticolensic – grander – knotty – spelltinkle – grandlich – grumblemeyer – spelterwasser – kurstlich – himbleeisen – bahnwagen – gutenabend – bitte – ein – nürnburger – bratwustle – gerspurten – mitz – weimache – luber – hundsfut – gumberaber – shönedanker – kalbsfleisch – mittler - aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.

Of course, if you don’t have time to go through a long litany, simply sticking with the name of Jesus is okay too. It is, after all, as the Catechism notes, “the one name that contains everything…  The name ‘Jesus’ contains all: God and man and the whole economy of creation and salvation. To pray ‘Jesus’ is to invoke him and to call him within us. His name is the only one that contains the presence it signifies. Jesus is the Risen One, and whoever invokes the name of Jesus is welcoming the Son of God who loved him and who gave himself up for him… The invocation of the holy name of Jesus is the simplest way of praying always. When the holy name is repeated often by a humbly attentive heart, the prayer is not lost by heaping up empty phrases, but holds fast to the word and ‘brings forth fruit with patience.’ This prayer is possible ‘at all times’ because it is not one occupation among others but the only occupation: that of loving God, which animates and transfigures every action in Christ Jesus.”

So, if you need to say a prayer but you’re pressed for time, just stick with the name of Jesus, it works every time. Of course, if your own moniker is rather lengthy, you might want to stick with pronouns. Going with something like, “Hi Jesus, it’s me, Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern – schplenden – schlitter – crasscrenbon – fried – digger – dingle – dangle – dongle – dungle – burstein – von – knacker – thrasher – apple – banger – horowitz – ticolensic – grander – knotty – spelltinkle – grandlich – grumblemeyer – spelterwasser – kurstlich – himbleeisen – bahnwagen – gutenabend – bitte – ein – nürnburger – bratwustle – gerspurten – mitz – weimache – luber – hundsfut – gumberaber – shönedanker – kalbsfleisch – mittler - aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm.” seems like it would defeat the purpose.

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 8: SAPPY NEW YEAR

For whatever reason, I never developed the habit of making New Years resolutions. Knowing myself as I do, I always figured my efforts would end up like this…

In her book Promise Land: My Journey Through America’s Self-Help Culture, Jessica Lamb-Shapiro suggests that the act of making New Years resolutions goes all the way back to the ancient Babylonians who would make vows to their deities to carry out certain moral tasks like returning borrowed farm equipment to a neighbor. The Romans picked up the habit as a way of honoring Janus, the two-faced forward and backward looking god for whom January is named. Their resolutions consisted mainly in promising to be good to others.

When Christianity came to the forefront after Constantine, the focus turned from simple resolutions to prayer and fasting, especially once the Church began celebrating The Feast of the Circumcision of Christ on the first of January (changed to the more palatable Solemnity of Mary, the Mother of God in 1969). Of course, in their rush to avoid looking Catholic at all costs, Protestants (in particular the Puritans of all people) eventually abandoned the Church celebrations, instead focusing on a reflection on the year just past and contemplating what to do in the year to come. In short, they inadvertently turned the holiday back towards its pagan origins. You know, kind of like they’ve done with their well meaning fall festivals at Halloween.

So, does that mean Catholics shouldn’t make New Years resolutions? No, of course not. We’ve been “baptizing” pagan things for almost 2,000 years now. But if we really want to see change in ourselves over the next year, remembering to throw in a bit of the old prayer and fasting might not be a bad idea because, as St. Paul put it, those “weapons of our battle are not of flesh but are enormously powerful, capable of destroying fortresses.” Wonder how Heckle and Jeckle would have faired if they had added a bit of that to their efforts?

THE TWELVE CLIPS OF CHRISTMAS: DAY 7: FLAUTING DANGER

So a few days ago in my study of the Gospels in a Year, one of the really famous sayings of Jesus popped up. I’m sure you know how it goes.

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?… Therefore do not be anxious, saying, What shall we eat?' Or What shall we drink?' Or What shall we wear?' For the Gentiles seek all these things; and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things shall be yours as well. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day.”

I wonder if Picard had those verses in mind during this mash-up from ST:TNG…

Okay, maybe he took it a bit far. The notes from the Ignatius Study Bible remind us that these verses simply point out that “Christians must prioritize the pursuit of holiness in their lives.” God must always be the first of our concerns. However, “this is not an excuse for laziness in practical matters (2 Thess 3:6-13).” If the Borg show up, it’s probably a good idea to put the flute down and deal with the situation.

PULP CATHOLICISM #049