Monday, June 29, 2009

CUTAWAYS

You know, it’s gotta be tough these days for any old-school Devil worshipers still out there. I’m not talking about them there new fangled Satanists who are really just hedonistic egoists with no real belief in a supernatural God or Devil. I mean the original guys, the ones who pledged allegiance to an actual entity and might actually want to perform the occasional virgin sacrifice to their dark master. Imagine what it must be like for them…

Almost enough to make you feel sorry for them, isn’t it? Almost. After all, what do the heathens expect after a couple hundred years of creeping secularism? And it’s getting worse. Recently released results from a study of middle schoolers performed by the University of Texas Health Science Center at Houston found that “by age 12, 12 percent of students had already engaged in vaginal sex, 7.9 percent in oral sex, 6.5 percent in anal sex and 4 percent in all three types of intercourse.” Christine Markham, Ph.D., assistant professor of behavioral science, says “These findings are alarming because youth who start having sex before age 14 are much more likely to have multiple lifetime sexual partners, use alcohol or drugs before sex and have unprotected sex, all of which puts them at greater risk for getting a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or becoming pregnant.” Wow, either these scientists are uptight Puritans, or youngsters having sex might actually be a bad idea. Either way, though, what’s there to do about it? I mean, kids are going to have sex no matter what, right?

Well, not exactly. One study by the Center for the Advancement of Health suggests that sex education can help cut down on early sexual behavior, at least before the age of 15. Which is great except for the fact that such programs, if successful, would seem to have the unintended consequence of increasing the number of virgins available for Satanic rituals. Fortunately, there is a solution to both problems. In what can only be called a shocking discovery, a 2003 study by the NICHD (a sub-branch of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services) found that “religion reduces the likelihood of adolescents engaging in early sex by shaping their attitudes and beliefs about sexual activity.” Who would have ever thought that belief systems which strive for holiness might actually decrease risky sexual behavior among children? But science says its true, thank God! And best of all, since most religions actively combat all forms of Satanism (modern egoism, ancient wacko cults, whatever) on both spiritual and philosophical grounds, we’ve got that problem covered as well.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi! Today I was chatting with a deacon aspirant & my husband quoted a line from a very campy movie--which the man not only caught, but had just watched with his family in the last few days. We discovered a mutual interest in really bad movies. Made me think of you....("Nah, he couldn't be EegahInc" I concluded) but you're still on my prayer list about that.

Xena Catolica

PaperSmyth said...

I've come to this page many times now wishing to make an insightful comment, but I think all my insightful comments on premarital sex have been used on my teen. (Pearls before swine? Let's hope not.)
Anyway, I do appreciate the post. I'm keeping you in prayer.

EegahInc said...

Ah, unrelenting women! If it weren't for you, we men would probably never get off the sofa :)

I don't talk too much about my personal life on the blog, but the truth is, along with my obvious personality flaws, we have a child with Asperger's. That's a condition related to Autism, but without any mental impairment. While it's nowhere near as difficult to deal with as Autism, it still requires (in my son's case) physical and behavioral therapy, and can be very exhausting. We're still in the early stages of learning how to deal with it. So, while I'm certainly not ruling anything out down the road (that's God's call), right now I think any commitment on my part to something like the Deaconate would be unfair to my wife.

That was probably too much information, but I'd hate for everyone to think I took their prayers lightly or was just blowing them off.

Now back to my regular silliness!

PaperSmyth said...

I've got a friend who's child has Asperger's. You are indeed, in my opinion, up for a challenge.

You are right that the deaconate takes a lot of work: my father is a deacon. (That's TMI! I could be giving scandal to the church just mentioning that!) Just keep praying... you are on my prayer list for "family serenity" an "family unity." If the deaconate is part of your calling, that's great. Only God knows. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate your blog. (Even if I've never seen some of these flicks.)

Anonymous said...

I don't mean to nag! Really. I'll pray for you & your family & you do your job. I wouldn't want to give scandal, either, but I know a number of deacons & when and if it should please God that you can do formation, you'll find there are other deacons (and their strong wives!) with special needs kids. And a few who like the same movies you do (rather fewer). Meanwhile, I'll nag some saints & let you get on with B-Movie catechizing.

Xena Catolica

EegahInc said...

Great, now I just sound like a jerk.

Which is normal, so everything's fine.

PaperSmyth said...

You do realize I MEANT I was giving scandal by my less-than-stellar behavior as a deacon's daughter, right?

Your silliness is just fine. And you do NOT sound like a jerk!

D. G. D. Davidson said...

Never mind their bugging about the diaconate. I'll only bug you about writing a book.

EegahInc said...

A book! From a guy who can only manage one or two simple blog posts a month? You must have been reading that Encyclical on Hope again.