Tuesday, October 28, 2014


That’s right, boys and ghouls, it’s that time of the year again. Every Halloween season, the B-Movie Catechism offers suggestions for cheap and easy to make costumes based on some of the movies we’ve discussed over the past twelve months, either here or over at Aleteia. We provide this annual service for those Christians who are tired of dressing up as a nun or an Old Testament prophet, but would still like their disguises to reflect their beliefs in some way.

hh stalker

Let’s begin with Stalker, the bleak allegorical sci-fi flick from Russia which ponders the question, if a place existed which could reveal the thing you wanted most in this world, would you actually want to go there? Dressing up as a character from Stalker is easy. Just rummage through the clothes in your attic, put on anything you find that is grey or dull brown, and then make sure you don’t smile for the rest of the evening. Then, at each home you visit, find a puddle or pile of dead leaves to lie down in. When the owners come out and ask what it is you think you’re doing, respond in a world-weary monotonous tone, “Wondering if the true desire of my heart is Christ?” That way, you’ll give them something to think about, and they’ll give you as much candy as you want if you’ll just go away.

hh divergent

If you’d prefer something with a little more pep, then perhaps you’d rather dress up as one of the Dauntless from Divergent. Just throw on something black, apply a few temporary tattoos and you’re pretty much done with the visuals. To complete the illusion, all you and your friends have to do is run onto people’s lawns screaming like maniacs and turning somersaults (bonus points if you enter the yard by leaping from a moving car). If the homeowners don’t gun you down first, you can explain how your wardrobe and actions reflect the Dauntless code of freedom from fear. If they don’t want to join in, just tell them to trust in God and fear no evil.

hh this night

Speaking of evil, part of the fun of Halloween is mocking it by dressing up as one of the monsters or bad guys. That being the case, who better for a Christian to caricature than that dastardly uber-atheist Coffin Joe, villainous star of the classic Brazilian terror tale This Night I’ll Possess Your Corpse. Pick up some costume jewelry, press-on nails, and one of those vinyl capes from the Dollar Store and you’re almost there. To finish off the ensemble, just grab the beard and cardboard top hat from that presentation your kids made on Abraham Lincoln and you’re good to go. When someone answers the door, rather than the usual trick or treat, instead launch into a twenty minute rant on the non-existence of God… and then beg for forgiveness as He smites you.

hh golden

If plain old atheism isn’t evil enough for you, then maybe a full-on demon would be a better target to make fun of. Hey, it worked out for Eddie Murphy in The Golden Child, didn’t it? To outfit yourself as Sardo Numspa, emissary of Hell, all you really need is one of those dandy looking dinner jackets your grandfather has some stuffed in the attic somewhere. Oh, and the complete inability to say the letter “J,” that’s essential. If they all laugh at you because of your accent, well, that’s the point. After all, the ghosts and goblins of Halloween should be seen as ineffectual as they will most certainly be overcome by the power of Christ as witnessed through the lives of the saints and souls we celebrate on the two following days.

hh zombie

Finally, for those who want something a bit more traditional, the makeup from Hard Rock Zombies shouldn’t cost more than a few bucks to throw together. At least I’m pretty sure that’s all the filmmakers spent on it, anyway. A little white face paint, one of your old heavy metal T-shirts from the 80s, and a mullet wig (please tell me you’d need a wig) is all that’s required to turn you into a hair raising head banger. If someone points out that you look a little quaint compared to today’s more modern walking dead, tell them not to worry, all zombies, no matter what they look like, are just a representation of a false resurrection anyway. Then let them know you’d be happy to discuss the true resurrection with them. Or eat their brains. Whatever works for them.

Hope this helps all of you who were stuck for costume ideas this year. Happy Happy Halloween everyone.

No comments: