THE B-LIST: SIX HORRIBLE HAIRSTYLES FROM THE FUTURE

I reviewed “The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1” for Aleteia this week and I’m sad to report that while Elizabeth Banks is back as the ineffable Effie Trinket, her wigs are not. That’s right, for reasons explained in the movie, connoisseurs of questionable coiffures will have to do without Banks’ ridiculous retro-future hairstyles.

You know, if the movies are any indication, we’re all going to look like a bunch of complete buttheads in the days to come. For some reason, Hollywood is under the impression that once the future rolls around, everyone will forget how to look in a mirror and just do whatever to their hair. Don’t believe me? Well then, just take a look at some of the most horrible hairstyles Hollywood believes are awaiting us in the days to come…

1. The Cosmic Comb Over from The Fifth Element

Sorry guys, but it looks like in the future they still haven’t discovered a cure for male pattern baldness.

2. The Mountainous Mullet from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

Wow, that’s a lot of hair gel for a feral kid. Apparently the only things to survive the apocalypse will be cockroaches and hair products.

3. The Lady Logan from Space: 1999

Oh, Maya, the widow’s peak is classic vamp, so no complaints there. But let’s be honest, Wolverine sideburns on the ladies just don’t work.

4. The His & Hers Satellite Dish from Babylon 5 & Star Wars

Okay, I understand that these hairstyles are meant to communicate status and authority in their respective societies, but how is someone supposed to sleep in these things? Take it from a Catholic, if you need to visually communicate your position via your head, you’d be better off just wearing a really tall hat.

5. The “What Is This Brush You Speak Of?” from Star Trek

Look, even if your society doesn’t have plastic available to make a comb, I’m pretty sure you could run a fish bone or something through your hair after the first few leaves got tangled up in there. This isn’t fashion, it’s plain old laziness.

6. The Hasselhoff from Manborg

Well, the name speaks for itself, doesn’t it?

Now look, I’m not saying you can’t wear any of these hairstyles if that’s what you desire, as the Church has no set standards for hairstyles. Sure, St. Paul makes mention in his first letter to the Corinthians that men shouldn’t have long hair (which, at that time most likely meant way past their shoulders) and women should keep their hair covered, but that wasn’t intended to be dogma. Paul was simply advising the Corinthian Christians to avoid looking like the men and women in their city who were prostituting themselves (often in pagan temples) at that time. So he wasn’t warning against a particular hairstyle for all time, but rather teaching the common sense notion that a follower of God shouldn’t take on the appearance of the ungodly. Basically, don’t send mixed signals.

So, go ahead and wear one of these horrible hairdos (or hair-donts, if you will) if that’s what you really want. Last time I checked, looking stupid wasn’t a sin.