WEEKLY NEWSREEL: 3 1/2 TIME-OUTS TUESDAY (VOL. 17)

Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic, and all you other Christians at sea. It’s time for another Weekly Newsreel sponsored once again by the fine folks at Acts of the Apostasy, home of the 3 1/2 Time-Outs Tuesday. It’s getting weird out there. Now off to press.

I

DATELINE: NORTH AMERICA – Much hoopla has been made (and rightly so) over the recent poll by the New York Times and CBS News which showed that a whopping 57% of Americans oppose the HHS mandate requiring religious institutions to provide contraception and abortion-inducing drugs. But buried in those results lies the question, just who are the 34% of Americans who actually believe the government has the right to force religious institutions to violate their teachings? Well, in what may be a related story, the latest Angus Reid Public Opinion Poll reports that “people in the United States are more likely than Canadians to consider that Bigfoot is real… In the online survey of representative national samples, three-in-ten Americans (29%) and one-in-five Canadians (21%) think Bigfoot is “definitely” or “probably” real.” So, basically, there’s only a 5% difference (margin of error anyone?) between the number of people who support the HHS mandate and the number of people who believe a secret society of super intelligent ape like beings are roaming the forests of North America. Coincidence? You be the judge.

II

DATELINE: UTAH –  In other woodland news, a study out of Brigham Young University has determined that firing a gun is no more effective in keeping people from injury or death during bear attacks than not using a firearm. After analyzing 269 incidents of bear-human conflicts, “The researchers found no statistical difference in the outcome (no injury, injury or fatality) when they compared those who used their gun in an aggressive encounter (229 instances) to those who had firearms but did not use them (40 instances).” Given the data, the scientists reached a conclusion that only science could possibly provide, that the best way to survive a bear encounter is not to have one. So, after thousands of years of Judeo-Christian teaching, someone still felt the need to fund a study just to prove that it’s wise to avoid the near occasion of bears. Sigh.

III

DATELINE: SOME DARK CORNER OF THE WORLD IN WHICH YOU LIVE – In keeping with the animal theme (sort of), if you know someone who has been looking for that special drink to go along with their extensive collection of tentacle rape anime (and if that someone happens to be you, quit reading this and get your butt to confession immediately), then let them know their long tortuous search is over. The good folks at J-List are now offering their popular Tentacle Grape soda for sale over the Internet. The drink is a regular sell-out at sci-fi conventions, but now you can order yours any time of the day in six-packs or convenient singles. So, not only does pornography (as the Catechism reminds us) offend against chastity, pervert the conjugal act, do grave injury to the dignity of its participants, and immerse all who are involved with it in the illusion of a fantasy world… but now it can rot your teeth out as well. Isn’t that special?

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Frankly, we got nothing after Tentacle Grape. Sometimes after surfing the Internet, you just have to call it a day and go take a hot scalding shower. “Cleanse me with hyssop, that I may be pure; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”

And with that, we sign off for another week, as is our custom, with the immortal words of the great Les Nessman. Good evening, and may the good news be yours.