Wednesday, October 08, 2008


The incomparable Goldentusk, ladies and gentlemen, absolutely one of our favorite finds on YouTube. All of his movie themes are great, but we’re particularly fond of this one. Not only does he manage to recap the entire plot of Halloween, but he also manages to throw in one of the better critical theories regarding what the character of Michael Myers represents. Plus he’s just darned funny.

Of course, the fact that we’re showing a Halloween video means it must be that season of the year. That's right. It's time, once again, for the annual Hallowed Be His Name Fall Festivals at your finer protestant churches! And just like last year, we here at The B-Movie Catechism are offering up five wardrobe suggestions based on some of the classic movies we've reviewed this past year sure to make you the hit of the harvest. We provide this service for anyone looking for unique costume ideas, but primarily for those who want to indulge in some cosplay but are hesitant due to the King James Version’s probable mistranslation of 1 Thessalonians 5:22 which reads "abstain from every appearance of evil". That verse in particular is one of the primary things which has led many of our protestant pals to cast a wary eye on some of the customs of Halloween. But rather than quibble over whether or not the more accurate translations of “abstain from every form of evil” or “avoid every kind of evil” actually leaves the door open for wearing that Heath Ledger Joker outfit this year, we here at The B-Movie Catechism would rather just go ahead and give you some costume ideas which are guaranteed 100% eeeevil free. Let’s get started.

roller boogie Hey kids, grab those old quads out of the attic and feather your hair, and you too can become a card carrying member of the the ROLLER BOOGIE tribe! Now we know that most people (rightfully) associate disco with snorting cocaine and having anonymous unfulfilling sex with polyester clad strangers, but that’s only true for the landlocked dancers. Once the skates are strapped on, it’s a whole different story. All you’ll feel the need for is speed. You might be hell on wheels, but just like Terry and Bobby and the rest of the gang, you’ll still be one clean teen.

ator If you’ve been wondering what to do with that old faux fur PETA  splattered red paint on, then wonder no more. Just combine it with some dollar store swords and axes and you’re ready to hit the town as part of that pair of happily married scourges of evil, Ator and Sunya from ATOR: THE FIGHTING EAGLE. As an added trick, after you’ve gotten your treats of course, whichever one of you is Ator can lean over and give Sunya a big smooch and blurt out, “Hey, have you guys met my sister?” (Warning: Trick not as shocking in Alabama.)

darkstar We know that the standard issue Dickies spacewear worn by the crew of the good ship DARKSTAR isn’t all that interesting, so forget about it. Instead, the apparel of choice from this film belongs to the everyone’s favorite little beach ball alien. All that’s required for this costume is one of those orange department of correction trash bags and a pair of rubber gloves. Trick them out with some yellow polka dot accents and you’re ready to innocently wreak havoc on the neighborhood. Like our extraterrestrial pal, however, don’t purposely destroy anything (like, say, the whole planet). That way you’ll make sure you’re only culpable for the consequences of your actions and not the intent.

ratpfink If RAT PFINK AND BOO BOO can make their costumes out of stuff they found at the laundromat, then so can you. If you don’t want to be saddled with the moral ambiguity of Batman and are willing to accept about 0.000001% of the budget, then this is the superhero get-up for you. Sure, you’ll miss out on having wonderful toys like a batmobile, bat-cave, batarang, bat-etc. But in exchange you’ll get clarity of conscience and a chance to hang out with Kogar the swingin' ape. Money can’t buy you that.

motelhell Vincent and Ida from MOTEL HELL. Admit it, if you don’t already own this ensemble, you at least know somebody you can borrow it from. Now these costumes may seem like an odd choice, as the Smith siblings tend to muddy up their religious beliefs with their homicidal tendencies. But we figure since Halloween only comes around once a year, why not let it all hang out and spend an evening being the kind of freakish irrational intolerant violence-mongering freakshow that  asshats like Bill Maher think you are all year long anyway. When All Saints Day rolls around the next morning, you can go right back to saying prayers for Bill and all the other little boys who never got over having their knuckles rapped in Catholic school.

Well, that’s about it for this year; hope we’ve been helpful. For more Halloween goodness be sure to head over to ChristianHalloweenFan run by Lint Hatcher, author of The Magic Eightball Test: A Christian Defense of Halloween and All Things Spooky. See you next year. Happy Happy Halloween everybody!


Anonymous said...

I used to have a silver jacket as a kid in the 80's. If I could find one, I'd go as a Moonrunner from The Warriors. However, I suppose that film isn't B-movie enough.

Anonymous said...

Incidently, I don't know if you are a MST3K fan, and if you are, you probably already know, but MST's riffing lives on as Cinematic Titanic.

EegahInc said...

I don't think anyone would squawk if I squeezed in The Warriors somewhere down the road.It's definitely cult enough.

I had heard of Cinematic Titanic but haven't bought one yet. I have bought some of Mike Nelson's Rifftrax, though, and most of them have been pretty good.