Demonic dolls, malevolent mirrors, cursed cars; these things are a dime a dozen in horror movies. You can watch them pretty much whenever you want. But if you’re like me, sometimes you have a hankering for something just a wee bit different than your everyday dastardly doohickey. Well, not to worry, The B-Movie Catechism has got you covered. Here are seven of the weirdest evil objects in movies for your viewing pleasure. Well, at least for your viewing anyway.
The Evil Dollhouse from Amityville Dollhouse (1996)
We’ll start with a no-brainer. I mean, if you’re going to buy your kid a toy that looks exactly like the most famous haunted house in the country, you’re just asking for trouble, right? Parents, let this be a lesson. Even when your kids relentlessly beg for something, it’s okay to say no sometimes.
The Evil Television from The Twonky (1953)
You might also want to monitor how much time your kids spend in front of the television. Just how much TV is bad for you is debatable, but I’m pretty sure if your boob tube has grown legs, is walking around, and has taken complete control of your life, it’s time to pull the plug.
The Evil Laundry Press from The Mangler (1995)
Speaking of moving machinery, the next time Stephen King complains about the quality of anything, just remember he’s the one who wrote the short story The Mangler is based on. The man’s books creeped me out a lot back in the day, but even then, this wicked wringer just didn’t do the trick.
The Evil Elevator from The Lift (1983)
One of the best taglines ever. You would think this would be as silly an idea as The Mangler, but this obscure little Dutch horror has developed quite a cult following over the years. There’s not an actual psychological term for the fear of elevators, but whoever out there has it should probably avoid this one.
The Evil Bed from Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)
And just like that, we’re right back to the ridiculous. Here’s an idea. If you run across a bed that has eaten a number of people, don’t lie down in it. How hard can it be? This bed can’t even move around like The Twonky or The Mangler. Just walk away.
The Evil Refrigerator from The Refrigerator (1991)
Now this is a little easier to understand. At least in this scenario there’s no other way to get to your pizza rolls than to open up the fridge and stick your hand into it. Still, after the first few times the awful appliance gobbles someone up, you would think they might consider the possibility of switching to canned foods. Oh well, what do you expect in a movie about a killer refrigerator. It can’t get any sillier than that.
The Evil Tire from Rubber (2010)
Suckers! It can always get sillier. This is the touching tale of a tire that develops Scanner like powers and leaves a trail of exploded heads across the desert while pursuing the girl of its dreams. It’s never explained, it just is. Much like the movie Rubber itself.
If these films are any indication, just about anything can turn evil. In real life, the Church doesn’t actually have a lot of official statements on the subject beyond a sentence in the Catechism which notes, “When the Church asks publicly and authoritatively in the name of Jesus Christ that a person or object [emphasis mine] be protected against the power of the Evil One and withdrawn from his dominion, it is called exorcism.” So at the very least there appears to be some official recognition that an object can become the focus of outside evil forces just as a person can.
Now, that doesn’t mean your toaster is someday going to gain awareness and bite your hand off. It just means that, for whatever reason, the demonic can become fixated on a physical object. Really, such an idea should be no big shock if you accept the notion that there’s a spiritual dimension to reality, which as a Christian you should. So if you start getting bad vibes from some knickknack sitting around your house, play it safe and toss it, not because you’re worried it may come to life and eat the kids, but simply because on the off chance there is something malevolent lingering around the thingy, you don’t want it to start taking notice of you.
P.S. It is not nice to pretend you sense evil in one of your spouse’s ugly keepsakes just to force them to get rid of it.
7 comments:
Some of my favorites are here. I loved Lift and its remake, and Rubber. You neglected Robert Urich in Killdozer (well ok, that may have been possessed by an alien), and the wonderful episode Paradise Towers in Doctor Who with BOTH killer garbage disposals and garbage trucks. I collect these.
I'd also like the cite the evil lamp from one of the 'Amityville' sequels (can't remember which one off hand). It fries parrots, electrocutes people, and can even walk around (leaving a conceptually unfortunate smear in its wake). Just goes to show you that you need to be careful what you pick up at those rummage sales.
I thought of Killdozer, but decided it would fit better with evil vehicles, which deserves a post all its own. The lamp from Amityville 4 is a good one. Maybe I'll do a sequel to this post.
there's an old Muppet/Sesame Street sketch with a newsman reporting a rash of reports of couches and appliances attacking people...
Two minutes which are probably better than half these movies put together :)
Don't mind me, just dropping by with a story idea:
Have you thought of covering The Leech Woman, that great old B-movie? Seems pretty appropriate to the relatively old issue of stem cell research, though I suppose that's been done. Of course, transitory happiness at the expense of another's well-being is often the story behind sin.
Oooh, Leech Woman. I haven't seen that in a long time. Let me see if I can dig it up.
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