Good evening Mr. & Mrs. Catholic and all you other Christians at sea. Sorry about the pants thing, but if Britney and Lindsay can do it, why not us? Maybe our first story has a clue. Now off to press
DATELINE: VENICE - GO AHEAD AND CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN IT
Making the rounds at The Venice Film Festival, IMDB News overheard actress Keira Knightley commenting on the recent behavior of other young female starlets. "I'm not going to get blind drunk and then stumble out and fall over an puke up in front of people. I'm not saying I don't do that in private, but I try not to. The whole celebrity thing is not magic. They're real people proving they're s**ttier than everybody else because they don't even wear knickers." Perhaps Ms. Knightley once heard someone quote The Catechism where it states that "modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden." That probably goes double if it's supposed to be hidden by knickers. And while the Catechism doesn't explicitly address puking up in front of people while drunk, it does point out that modesty is considered an integral part of temperance, so we're pretty sure it's covered in there somewhere.
DATELINE: ISLA NUBLAR - FILM FRANCHISE NEARS EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT
Speaking of things that might potentially cause your gorge to rise. Contradicting rumors continue to fly over the expected plot line of Jurassic Park IV. Bloody-Disgusting.Com reports that the producers may be backing off of a story which features Laura Dern's character from the original movie running afoul of a government agency training dinosaurs to carry weapons. While this story would almost certainly highlight the Catechism's teaching that "the dominion granted by the Creator over the... animal resources of the universe cannot be separated from respect for moral obligations" as the beasts inevitably turn the weapons on their masters, let's face it, this just sounds like a bad Sci-Fi Channel movie waiting to happen. On the other hand, if Michael Bay was to film a live action remake of Dino-Riders...
What else is there to say after you learn the guy who made Bladerunner is adapting Monopoly? Not a thing. Just remember as we close another Newsreel that today's gossip is tomorrow's bible study. And as the great Les Nessman always said, "Good evening, and may the good news be yours."
DATELINE: VENICE - GO AHEAD AND CALL IT LIKE YOU SEE IT, BECAUSE EVERYONE HAS ALREADY SEEN IT
Making the rounds at The Venice Film Festival, IMDB News overheard actress Keira Knightley commenting on the recent behavior of other young female starlets. "I'm not going to get blind drunk and then stumble out and fall over an puke up in front of people. I'm not saying I don't do that in private, but I try not to. The whole celebrity thing is not magic. They're real people proving they're s**ttier than everybody else because they don't even wear knickers." Perhaps Ms. Knightley once heard someone quote The Catechism where it states that "modesty protects the intimate center of the person. It means refusing to unveil what should remain hidden." That probably goes double if it's supposed to be hidden by knickers. And while the Catechism doesn't explicitly address puking up in front of people while drunk, it does point out that modesty is considered an integral part of temperance, so we're pretty sure it's covered in there somewhere.
DATELINE: ISLA NUBLAR - FILM FRANCHISE NEARS EXTINCTION LEVEL EVENT
Speaking of things that might potentially cause your gorge to rise. Contradicting rumors continue to fly over the expected plot line of Jurassic Park IV. Bloody-Disgusting.Com reports that the producers may be backing off of a story which features Laura Dern's character from the original movie running afoul of a government agency training dinosaurs to carry weapons. While this story would almost certainly highlight the Catechism's teaching that "the dominion granted by the Creator over the... animal resources of the universe cannot be separated from respect for moral obligations" as the beasts inevitably turn the weapons on their masters, let's face it, this just sounds like a bad Sci-Fi Channel movie waiting to happen. On the other hand, if Michael Bay was to film a live action remake of Dino-Riders...
DATELINE: LOS ANGELES - ADVANCE TO ABSURDITY, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200
What else is there to say after you learn the guy who made Bladerunner is adapting Monopoly? Not a thing. Just remember as we close another Newsreel that today's gossip is tomorrow's bible study. And as the great Les Nessman always said, "Good evening, and may the good news be yours."
5 comments:
Speaking of biolab produced monsters wielding weapons... there was a short story by sci-fi writer Stephen R. Donaldson called "Animal Lover." If nothing else deserves to be turned into a B-Movie, that neat little tale does. Of course it wasn't the neocon-global-warming-denier-war-mongering-Bush-administration behind the grenade tossing monkeys but a egotistical misanthropic scientist. So, modern hollywood might not be interested.
Interestingly enough, it is a fact that most animals don't wear knickers.
Miguel
Ah, but what if it were an egotistical misanthropic neocon global-warming-denying war-mongering Bush-appointed Surgeon General who was behind the grenade tossing monkeys?
And he didn't wear knickers!
Ooh! Ooh! Dino-Riders! You know what we really need? We need Michael Bay to make the movie Dino-Riders vs. Dinosaucers...in Dinotopia!
Without knickers!
Oh man, how I love cheesy dinosaur sf.
Man, look at my last few comments around here. I need to lower my caffeine intake because I'm becoming a spazz.
Dinosaucers! Forgot all about that one. But who are we kidding. Unless Jurassic Park IV actually gets made with that storyline all we'll probably ever have are the Goombas from Super Mario Brothers.
Since Dinosaucers was basically a rip-off of Transformers except with dinosaurs, maybe Bay could make Dinosaucers vs. Transformers.
Seriously, though, there needs to be a good Dinotopia movie, and the Hallmark special doesn't count.
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